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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to go "out out" in the countryside

25 replies

gherkinfiend · 25/05/2019 17:59

Totally expecting to get flamed for this. Live in a city and all or friends decided to move to more leafy green areas not too far but with minimal public transport and a about £50 in a taxi. Since then they seem to have decided that every single social event needs to be in the sticks. Fair enough and we can't really make it because as well as transport there's childcare involved.

What really irks me is that someone (from out in the countryside) will organise an event in our city. We'll be able to go, arrange childcare and then one by one our friends will say they can't make it and eventually it'll be us and the organiser and they'll cancel it. We'll usually then cancel our childcare as dh will be tired from work and won't fancy just forcing ourselves to do something for the sake of it/save up childcare point for when we need it. Then on the joint what's app group all the people who were too busy to go out will have instead all gone out to pub where they are instead.

I know IBU to expect them to trek to the city where we are but to arrange something we can go to, then cancel last minute but then still all meet up without us, then spam it all over a messaging group they know we're in (with accompanying social media posts about "we're having the BEST day" "with my fave people in the world") is a bit a) childish b) insensitive etc. It was also behaviour like this that led to me developing bad PND.

Dh cgaf but has a lot of social interaction with his job and I've tried muting conversations etc but then we'll get another invite and it'll all start over again. It's SO frustrating.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 25/05/2019 18:04

I think you need to question your future with these friends to be honest

arethereanyleftatall · 25/05/2019 18:06

This may well be one of those friendships which just drifts apart because of logistics.
You can't get to them without hassle, they can't get to you without hassle.
To be honest, we moved out about an hour from London, there's still restaurants, bars etc here, no point trekking in to London.

userabcname · 25/05/2019 18:09

This is the problem with friends who don't live locally! Unless you alternate or are prepared to meet half way (which it sounds like you are but they aren't), I'd just decline future invitations and definitely wouldn't organise anything. The friendships will probably fizzle out but honestly if they are so uncompromising and silly then it's probably just as well.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2019 18:10

It sounds as if you are pretty much the only townie left. If they were really your friends and getting together was a must they’d invite you to stay over with your kids and plan things to do together.

SerenDippitty · 25/05/2019 18:14

I know IBU to expect them to trek to the city where we are but to arrange something we can go to, then cancel last minute but then still all meet up without us, then spam it all over a messaging group they know we're in (with accompanying social media posts about "we're having the BEST day" "with my fave people in the world") is a bit a) childish b) insensitive etc. It was also behaviour like this that led to me developing bad PND.

That’s shitty behaviour tbh.

gherkinfiend · 25/05/2019 18:16

We've been through big cycles of drama over it and basically trying hard not to engage but I was basically sent photos directly today of them having a jolly. We can't move because of DH's job (not that I would move for a group of people anyway!) but it just seems so pointed and hurtful.

I'm mid-30s so it shouldn't bother me and I know I should rise above it blah blah blah but it hurts!

Another friend who lives in a slightly different area just messaged me saying same thing had happened to her.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 25/05/2019 18:24

I’d be tempted to send a sarcastic reply along the lines of ‘shame you couldn’t make it that night to the planned dinner, we were so looking forward to catching up. But seems like you managed to get out after all, but don’t worry our babysitter only charged us half for not having to work as we’re getting used to people cancelling on us last minute’.

Missingstreetlife · 25/05/2019 18:26

Make some new friends, these are going to be occasional, not your best mates. It stings but you will feel better when you are not waiting around for them

Pipandmum · 25/05/2019 18:28

Oh I did have a friend who moved out and as she had little kids and I didn’t I was happy to trek out to visit her. Then I had kids (hers now middle school age and her mother had moved in) but suddenly it was far too much of an effort for her to come to me but she’d be happy if I went out to her with my baby and toddler...

gherkinfiend · 25/05/2019 18:30

Dh has left a snarky comment (my hands are clean Grin) on our behalf. It's difficult because it's dh's friends who I've come to view as mine and there's some family cross over as well. There's a few personalities involved that rule the roost and I've got a feeling this is their orchestrating.

Not sure where to find any new friends though. BlushHmm

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 25/05/2019 18:33

I would be looking to distance myself from the friend group to be honest. You have drifted apart which is inevitable in the circumstances. I would be concentrating on my own life in the city and making friends where I had more in common.

WhiskeyJarro · 25/05/2019 18:39

They're out of order. Myself and DH moved away from a group of friends and we go and visit them and they make the effort to visit us. We all have DH and it isn't easy but we all put the effort in. These people aren't being very nice at all - cancelling then rearranging something for just them? That's really mean actually.

AlexaAmbidextra · 25/05/2019 18:46

These people aren’t your friends. There needs to be give and take. I’m in the country, one of my friends is in London. We take turns. One time I travel to London, the next time she comes out to me. Fair all round.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 25/05/2019 18:48

Presumably you would have been welcome at their get-together out in the sticks, but didn't go because it was inconvenient, just as it was inconvenient for them to travel up to town?

This is just what happens when people get older and move away from the city - they build new lives elsewhere, and those who decide to stay put have to find new friends and activities to fill the gap.

YANBU to feel put out by it, but it is an inevitable process, and not a personal rejection. They should stop fannying around changing plans, of course.

Haggisfish · 25/05/2019 18:51

Or can you look for an Airbnb or rental close by so you can go for the odd weekend?

Cherrysoup · 25/05/2019 18:52

I would have to leave a twatty comment re not really appreciating the pictures and comments, thanks ever so much, after having been cancelled on. In reply to pictures sent direct, I would definitely respond with this sort of comment. At best, they’re inconsiderate, at worst, they’re deliberately trying to piss you off, particularly if it’s those who ‘rule the roost’ sending the photos. Wankers.

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/05/2019 18:52

It's just the same logistics nightmare you have. I would love to have a night out with work colleagues but public transport is dire and taxis cost a fortune. It's no more an insult to you than the fact you don't want to head over to them for a night out is an insult to them.

UnaCorda · 25/05/2019 19:06

No reason you should be flamed - they sound like crap friends. (In fact they don't even sound like friends.)

Nearlythere1 · 25/05/2019 19:23

ooh, what did your DH say?!

Newhandbag · 25/05/2019 19:52

Delete yourself form the what's app group and don't use social media, sorted!

Justbreathing · 25/05/2019 20:54

This happens in life. People take the easy option
You’re the difficult option

Group friends impo aren’t really friends. You have friends within them, but they’re together from group mentality. Which works only in certain circumstances.

thegreatcrestednewt · 25/05/2019 20:59

Of, they are not friends. Good for your dh for commenting. How old are they, 8? Nasty and childish. I’d leave the WhatsApp group and contact individual friends from the group if you want to stay in touch with them.

Charley50 · 25/05/2019 22:41

I don't think the pics etc are done deliberately to piss you off. It's just that WhatsApp is used to communicate. You need new friends local to you and then just to go stay at one of theirs once every few months if you want to maintain the friendships.

Sickoffamilydrama · 26/05/2019 12:37

@gherkinfiend try www.ladiescircle.co.uk/
The whole point of it is to make friends, I've always struggled to make friends as an adult when you are all working etc. I've made loads of friends being in Circle that I'd never have meet otherwise.

Livpool · 26/05/2019 13:08

Your 'friends' sound rather mean and petty, with the messages. I'd phase the relationship with them out.

You will meet new friends without having these people and their plans hanging over you

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