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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To send a "peace offering" rather than spend £700 on tickets

25 replies

Needadoughnut · 25/05/2019 09:38

I really don't like my sister, in fact if I'd never see her again that'd make me really happy. (Well maybe that's an exaggeration but I'd certainly would be more at peace with myself). Every time I see her I end up in tears. She's nosey and thinks that all of the advice she gives is always right. I can't stand her attitude and I know she'll never change. She's also very strange with money (to the point of denying some inheritance to my mum as it wasn't in the will, but my uncle -her brother- told her something else). She recently had a baby, we were chatting and then talked about my mum's visit when mine is due (in November). It all went downhill from there and well I went back to the same place of never wanting to see her again. I'm supposed to go and visit her in Switzerland but at £700 for 4 days I simply cannot afford it. My husband who is lovely and woke up to comfort me while I was crying in the wee hours had the idea of sending her a letter and something for the baby. What would you include? I guess a babygrow some bottles and a letter. I still don't know what to write in the letter but I guess for the sake of both babies she should try to respect my views and that if she has nothing positive to say, to simply not say it. Any other ideas? She does love me, but the way she shows it just simply don't work with me. In a way I'd like her to understand that if she loves me (which she does) she would keep her distance and let me be. I just want to get out of this place of dreading telling her I'm not going and be back in my "limbo". Of course I want to meet my nephew but my MH comes first.
I genuinely can't think of happy moment between us in the past 15 years. For my mum it was very hard to understand this but after last year she finally got it.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 25/05/2019 09:41

Either send the letter or send a gift .
I don't think it's appropriate to send such a heartfelt letter which could result in upset on her side and also send a gift as it might influence how she feels about the gift.

mbosnz · 25/05/2019 09:44

I wouldn't gnaw on old bones in the letter. It won't do any good. I'd just be saying circumstances have changed and regretfully I won't be coming to visit, but here's a gift for the babe.

bridgetreilly · 25/05/2019 09:44

Not a babygrow and bottles. A teddy or something that the child can love, rather than something functional it will grow out of.

You do not have to go and visit her. Write the letter now and send the present. Decide how you want your contact with her to go in future and do that. Don't let her dictate what you should be doing.

Needadoughnut · 25/05/2019 09:54

Thank you! I never thought of the teddy but that sounds like a great idea. The bottles are more her as she was desperate to get some Tommee tippies but they don't sell them over there.

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 25/05/2019 09:54

I agree with the teddy or something, bottles would be an odd thing to send.

Just send her a text separately to say you can't afford to travel to her, otherwise the gift is rather a poisoned chalice.

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/05/2019 09:55

Oh cross post, if she's asked for bottles then definitely a good idea!

Ilove31415926535 · 25/05/2019 09:55

I'd send a card with the present, something along the lines of
'Dear Sis,

Sorry I can't make it across to see you this time, but looking forward to catching up at cousin Claire's wedding next year.
Be sure to send loads of pics of new child, and hope they enjoy the teddy/clothes/blanket/new car enclosed.

Love doughnut'

Do you need her to read a letter from you? Or would you be better served to write it, but not send it? I guess I'm asking, will it make any difference, or will it cause more falling out and bad feeling?
It sounds as if you've got good family support from your Mum and DH, you don't need to deal with negativity from your sister, especially if it's impacting your MH. Flowers

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/05/2019 09:56

Don’t ever give bottles unless requested. I think a nice babygro or a small soft toy with a card is sufficient.

Pinkprincess1978 · 25/05/2019 09:57

I don't think it will help going over old ground. Send a gift - a you or something they can grow into and a nice card explaining that due to your own baby coming you can't afford to visit and leave it at that.

It's perfectly reasonable for siblings to grow apart. I have a few siblings and a couple I hardly ever see, one I'm really close to and he is only really close to me as they just can't be bothered with forcing relationships that aren't there - they can't get rid of me as I'm scrappy and I insist on being in their lives 😂

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/05/2019 09:57

I see she wants bottles, in which case it’s fine but get something nice too.

TheInvestigator · 25/05/2019 09:57

Sorry to pick up on one point, but if the will didn’t include your mum, then how is that your sisters fault? She executed the will as it was written? If so, then it’s not her fault if the person went around promising things they didn’t actually have written into their will.

Needadoughnut · 25/05/2019 10:07

It was not in the will itself but an insurance policy (my sister was the beneficiary) but as my mum tells me it was very hard to change as it was an old policy from a the job he retired from. The argument made sense too, my uncle split all his assets 50/50 between my sister and I (as best as he could) the insurance policy brought balance to it so to speak. On that matter she said that "I only got close to my uncle so I could get some money" when in reality he was a real father figure to me. My mum has changed everything so I don't have to deal with my sister in the future. One house is my name, the other is in my sister's. Rather than having wills. Also my mum was the executioner of the will and the notary said she didn't have to do anything of the options my uncle gave her (splitting between my sister and l) and she did. So it supposed her that my sister would give her that insurance money from "good will".

OP posts:
bellabasset · 25/05/2019 10:12

Get a special card to welcome the baby, you could send a Steiff year bear, which is designed for small children and has the year embroidered on a paw.

Cantthinkofausername1990 · 25/05/2019 10:33

I understand your position with strained sister relationships in my family. I have cut ties with one sister altogether since January and am much messed stressed since then.
I'm due a baby in the next few weeks and to be honest I don't want anything from her, but if it was her that was expecting I would probably still send a personalised teddy.

magicBrenda · 25/05/2019 10:38

Sorry I’m confused.

Who are you supposed to be visiting in Switzerland? And who is the letter for?

stucknoue · 25/05/2019 10:47

A nice teddy is perfect perhaps with something classically English outfit wise. But surely you can get to Switzerland cheaper, is it because you have to stay in a hotel? If so tell her you can afford flights but accommodation is so expensive, she then has the choice of you staying with her or perhaps she has friends you can stay with.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 25/05/2019 11:04

Send her a beautiful thoughtful gift, and a card
Deal with the problems you have between you at another time

viques · 25/05/2019 11:07

I would both send the baby a personal gift, eg a teddy as already suggested,and send her the bottles for herself as they are what she wanted and mentioned. Neither are expensive gifts for a new baby /sister even with postage.

No letter, just a normal baby card. At some point when you are face to face and preferably at a time when neither of you are hyped on emotional baby hormones you can talk about your relationship.

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 25/05/2019 14:00

I don't understand why you have to have a relationship now just because you're both having children. My mum and her sister didn't get on but forced a relationship 'for the kids' and how many awkward days out and big arguments we were exposed to! Not many happy memories on that front!

Whatareyoutalkingabout · 25/05/2019 14:02

I mean, you said you'd happily never see her again - that's a pretty extreme level of dislike. Do you want your kids to be a part of this sort of relationship and be exposed to the negativity and upset that you don't like? If you genuinely want a relationship with her then I'm not judging, I'm just a bit confused how at the beginning you say you'd happily never see her again and the next you're planning trips abroad to see her and sending lovely gifts and writing heartfelt letters. Just seems odd.

Needadoughnut · 25/05/2019 14:06

@stocknue our closest airport is Newquay with no real to connect from it. Second choice is Exeter at £250 per ticket (I need two, plus fuel and parking) it totals around £700. The cheapest ones are from Luton but would have to pay for hotels pre/post flight and fuel. There's no real way to do it that is "cheap".

OP posts:
Needadoughnut · 25/05/2019 14:09

@Whatareyoutalkingabout no I really don't want them to see that negativity but everyone around me is like "motherhood will change her" . I know it also breaks my mum's heart so it's mostly for her and for the innocent baby who has nothing to do with this.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 25/05/2019 14:58

I am in the exact same position as you. I have distanced myself from my sister as she is constantly unkind and puts me down. I don't bother with her and I feel great. Look after yourself and protect your mental health. Just send a present but no letter.

Needadoughnut · 25/05/2019 16:16

I got her a baby record book and a card so far. We thought of a Care Bear but the blue one is "sad". I plan to send it on Tuesday so still some days left to find that teddy or whatever else I can find.

OP posts:
viques · 26/05/2019 16:32

Why didn't you get her the things she had specifically asked for?

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