To cut off contact with grandparent

[Clairebear93]

My mum is an absolute nightmare and is abusive, mostly emotionally/verbally and on occasion physically.

Had an awful childhood which I'm sure if it was nowadays SS would be involved. She is emotionally unstable and would fly off the handle all the time, hit and punish us in cruel ways (pick what she was going to hit you with etc), now she's older (in her 60's) and we're not small children anymore she just takes offence to everything and plots on how to trigger you and start trouble and arguments between my siblings. I have no doubt she's got a drinking problem, has undiagnosed (as far as I know) mental health problems and feels the victim all of the time.

I cut off contact for around 4 years after struggling with her (mostly at a distance) for my adult life. My sister convinced me to just manage it and not let her get to me, so I've tried that but since I had my son 6 months ago I just don't have the headspace for it and I have started avoiding her. Recently she's got in a physical fight (after drinking - nobody got hurt) with my younger sister after saying horrific things about our dad (this is a trigger she uses on me too) that he's not able to defend himself on. Same week, has then gone to my brother to have a serious talk with them and he's been honest about how her behaviour affects him and how he doesn't feel comfortable with her drinking around his children and used this fight, and other examples of extreme dysfunctional behaviour (which usually involves my sister - they drink too much together) and she's gone and told my sister he's said all this stuff about her and she's fallen out with him and feels he's judging her and feels attacked and has cut off contact and my brother is upset by this. Nothing has changed in her behaviour and has told him she doesn't want to talk about this again, so a complete con to cause trouble and make him look like a bad guy which he's upset about. I thought that at the very least I'd have my siblings and neices and nephews to call family but this just separates us all (I live a comfortable 30 miles away) and she can just carry on with herself. My sister isn't making good choices, but it's her life to make them and I believe saying anything wouldn't help her, or her situation. My brother is judgemental, (arent we all) but he's younger and thinks everyone should live like he does.. I think if you have a problem then be supportive and lead by example which would be more helpful in my sisters case. They are both tied to my mum for childcare (my sister heavily). I would rather leave my child at home alone than in her care, and feel it's not a case of if but when she will hit my child.

I wouldn't say I'm struggling, but having a baby has just put me on a tightrope and anything that takes too much effort is getting ignored. I've returned to work as well and I just do not have the headspace for all this. I feel seeing as my sister is refusing (and is raging angry) to ever speak to him again that I get to leave this mess too and concentrate on my family.. But we grew up with adults falling out with each other and not seeing cousins etc and I really wanted better. I know I can't force it in anyway but I feel strongly about cutting my mum off and hoping my siblings reconcile enough for their kids to have a relationship with each other and mine.

I know this sounds horrific to some, but this is all very normal for me. My husband says he'll support me whatever and fully understands my problem. I'd only recently stopped getting anxious about the things that might happen when she's around me and have been managing not to get drawn into her drama, nodding and smiling through her half stories/lies and not biting whenever she tries to set me off.

This is pretty long, but this is the short version of it and only a look back over this month.. I don't like her, I don't trust her and I don't want to see her. How do you have a relationship with that? How can I allow my child a relationship with someone like that? She will make me feel unreasonable about this as it's not a direct argument with me and she's done nothing wrong to me etc.. I'm just tired of thinking about her and her BS!

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and have had to deal with so much trauma.
Whilst undoubtedly your mum has had her own suffering and sounds like some serious mental health issues of her own it is not your responsibly to either solve or placate them.
Right now it sounds like you need to go extremely low or no contact. I wouldn’t think twice about it tbh.
Put yourself and your baby first, if DM showed a tiny bit of remorse and got herself into therapy for the multitude of issues then perhaps there is room for recovery of a relationship somewhere down the line but as it stands you are gaining nothing and losing a lot by maintaining contact.
It’s very very hard when it’s family who do this to us, because anyone else and we’d walk away long before it gets to this stage. Unfortunately that societal and cultural expectation of family being “most important thing / everything” tricks us into believing we must endure even the worst treatment in its name.
Right now you have to prioritise yourself and your baby. I hope you can do that soon

I think you know what is the best thing to do for you and your family unit. Give your child the best chance to grow up Without abuse.
It sounds like your brother has a healthy attitude, but unfortunately is tied to your mum for child care.
What do you think you will do?

@grumpos I'm new here so don't know how things work but I hope you get this. Thank you for your reply it made me feel better and I thought it was all very kind.

My brother has allowed contact with his children so it feels a bit late to be cutting it off, he going to be sorting alternative childcare arrangements very soon and is expecting another child as well so things I expect will be different there. It's all so sad because all he (and I think we all want) is a good relationship with her. We are lucky to have mostly grown up into ok adults. I do worry about my sister as a parent sometimes though, which is my brothers issues with her - but she's a single parent to 4 so it's not the same experience as we have, and again I think support not judgement is what would help but we're both busy so not always possible which is why she relies heavily on our mum.

I have tried talking to my mum about past and present problems I have with her behaviour and it's pointless. When I didn't speak to her for 4 years she'd tell everyone she didn't know why I didn't talk to her, after calmly explaining to her the last time we spoke - Obviously it makes me out to be a bad person. So for now I'd like to just fade away but if I keep ignoring her she will turn up on my doorstep so it's not a permanent solution.

Focus on your baby & husband. Sad as it is sometimes it's better to cut ties with people, even our family, in this case your mother. Give your siblings time to settle down and hopefully their rift will heal. I wouldn't want my child around your mothers behaviour and I'm sorry you had that growing up. Look at the beautiful little family you have created and go forward with them.