Fed up of being the third wheel

[tellmeitsnotjustme]

I adore my family. My mum is an artist and shares her love of art with my brothers, my dad is a sportsman and also shares his love of sports with my brothers. If they're not running a marathon they're on a climbing wall. If they're not at an art gallery they're talking about local art exhibitions. I always try and join the conversation but I can't. It's hard work and I can't keep up.

I love music. I am a musician, and try and talk about my skills and my love for sounds, but as much as they listen, they're not interested.

I'm a single mum to a 6 month old and am all consumed by my son. I get no help from his dad who isn't interested, and I spend most of my life now on my own with my baby. I get better conversation out of him than anyone else.

I am feeling incredibly low. Very lonely. Like I'm always the third wheel. Like I don't want to see my family anymore as they love each other more than they probably love me.

I feel isolated. I have friends but it's not the same. I wish I had that bond with my family. I feel like an after thought. I AM an afterthought.

Does anyone else feel like this? I'm so sad. I even tried taking up art and sport but failed miserably as it's not me and felt like even more of a screw up.

I'm really pathetic. I bake cakes, do favours, make nice personalised cards, buy thoughtful gifts, and essentially I know I'm the glue that holds the family together. I arrange family dos, parties, loads of stuff. None of it would happen without me, yet I feel so unappreciated because nobody actually says anything kind to me. I'm just... there.

Hello, I didn’t want to read and run. It’s sounds tough and I can relate somewhat to what you are saying.

However having a six month old baby is all consuming like you said, and hard work. So unless you felt like this before the baby, then maybe give it some time. I know I had similar feelings towards some family and friends when I had DD1. A feeling of not being connected properly. But now DD is older it has got much better. I guess the gaps that were always there widened a bit as we got used to our new dynamics. But we have now found an easy way with each other again.

You're feeling taken for granted. They'd miss your input if you stopped organising get togethers.
Can you see that this is what you have in common? They might talk amongst themselves about shared interests but I bet they all know that they couldn't do without you.

I just wish they would tell me sometimes. I think it's me. I am literally taken for granted by EVERYONE. I am too thoughtful and go too out of my way. It sounds stupid but I have always suffered with 'you're too nice' syndrome. I care far too much about orders, but also far too much about what others think of me. I feel so down and like I have nobody.

How about taking an interest in art or sport? You sound a bit self-pitying. Why do you think you're the glue that holds the family together?

@ArgyMargy I'm not usually self pitying. I'm being quite honest on here about how I feel because it's anonymous. I wouldn't in a million years voice this to anyone else. If I wasn't around, my parents wouldn't have had 50th birthdays, we wouldn't have gone on our family holiday, we wouldn't have regular meet-ups. I arrange EVERYTHING. My birthday this year, everyone bar my mum forgot to phone me.

I probably am self pitying a bit but am also suffering from PND which makes it all a whole heap worse.

*50th birthday parties

@ArgyMargy I did say I had taken an interest in sport and art in my initial post though?

Fuck them OP, you have your own little family now, you and your baby, and please do not pander to the things that interest them, to gain their affection. If they cannot cherish you or your baby then, screw them, it's their loss.

Loneliness is just such a horrid feeling.

@tellmeitsnotjustme sorry yes you did. You also mentioned being "all consumed by your son". Perhaps your family find that a bit dull? If they're not that into you, try focusing on your friends instead - particularly the ones with small children, with whom you have lots in common. It sounds like you've done enough for your family.

Oh bless you my love. I have no real advice but didn't want to read and ignore. I'm so sorry you feel like this and I'm sure your parents would be horrified if they knew that's how you feel. Do you have a better relationship with either one of them? Could you perhaps show them your post on here if you'd find it difficult to get across what you want to say in a conversation?

I am in a similar situation, as in that's how I feel. I have decided to break away just a little from family, in the time/effort and emotional energy, and totally from most other people, the ones I feel are dragging me down, and just have a couple of good friends.

I think having a 6 month old is potentially a very lonely time. I know I felt isolated and miserable (but for different reasons). I found as my dd got older life became more delightful as she learnt to walk and talk and became ever more lovely company.
I would invest in your friendships and stop organising things for your family. Maybe meet up for shorter times with only one at a time so that you have to talk to each other.

I feel for you OP.

But I think TV and movies have given us a distorted view of family life. In my experience (six siblings) it's mostly indifference. I dont really see my family anymore, we just all drifted apart and moved country and continent. I think mostly, families are just some people who share a house for a while. That's it. A bit like an old flat mate. You wouldn't pop over to see the random weird girl who lived with you during uni, or expect her to be some sort of emotional support. Same with family. Don't rely on them. It's not your fault, or theirs, it's just not like TV.

It's shit though. I don't have any real advice. Just that I feel your pain. My only family is my DH. He's not perfect, but I know I can absolutely rely on him. 15 years, and he has never once not been there for me.

It's shit, but I had to go out and find my family for myself.

You will too. In time.