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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think love is not enough?

24 replies

clairemcnam · 24/05/2019 13:36

In a relationship, the fact that you love one another is not enough to make it work, or to stay together. I am not talking about abusive situations. Some people love one another but are simply incompatible.

OP posts:
UnicornBrexit · 24/05/2019 14:12

Like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton?

There is alwys compromise, the best relationships are built on it.

Original poster
clairemcnam · 24/05/2019 14:18

Compromise of the sort needed to live with another person is fine. But if people are fundamentally too different, then no compromise can not sort it.

OP posts:
Fluffiest · 24/05/2019 14:23

I agree. You need love and you need agreement. I love lots of people, deeply. I want them to be happy, I care about them, and I enjoy their company.

But I married DH because we have agreement. We agree on what's right and wrong, we have agreement on what will make our joined life fulfilling. We have agreement on having children, where we want to live, how we should treat one another.

You can love lots of people but you will only walk in agreement with a very few.

ThatCurlyGirl · 24/05/2019 14:25

100% true.

SlinkyDinkyDoo · 24/05/2019 14:28

Agree

OurChristmasMiracle · 24/05/2019 14:30

No love isn’t enough. You need trust too. If I can’t trust you then I can’t be with you.

Original poster
clairemcnam · 24/05/2019 14:33

Yes I think you need similar values as well as love. So even if you love each other, it is a recipe for disaster if one of you values hedonism with partying, drinking and drug taking, and one of you hates hedonism and is very religious. I know that is an extreme example. But I hear and read women saying - but I love him. In reality the answer to that is a so what? If you are not compatible, it is not going to work out long term.

OP posts:
GreytExpectations · 24/05/2019 14:36

Yes, of course YANBU. Love is a very strong emotion and it definitely is not enough to make a relationship work. You need to be compatible in many other ways.

Outoutout · 24/05/2019 14:38

Successfull relationships are based on needs, not wants.

You might WANT a 6 foot, blue eyed Adonis, with perfect teeth, a six figure salary, and a barn conversion in Billericay. But you may NEED a guy who is just ordinary, ordinary job, ordinary life, a guy who treats you like the most important thing in his world. A guy who keeps you balanced and who will always always be there for you.

And I don't think people fall in love, I think they fall in lust. I don't think most people know the difference.

CocoLoco87 · 24/05/2019 14:41

A barn conversion in Billericay does sound nice though...Grin does it come with the Adonis or do you have to pay more?

Original poster
clairemcnam · 24/05/2019 14:43

I agree generally people fall in lust. Lust is fine for choosing a boyfriend, but not enough to actually marry and have kids.

OP posts:
CocoLoco87 · 24/05/2019 14:45

I agree on pp about agreement. You agree not to cheat, to have 3 kids, to get a barn conversion in Billericay, not to have a pool boy, to share finances etc. And you trust each other to stick to all the things you agree on.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 24/05/2019 14:45

You need a lot more than just love - trust, compatibility, similar values, respect etc x

Orangecake123 · 24/05/2019 14:47

Yep I first heard this in lana del rey's song "born to die", it's 100% true. There needs to be respect and kindness too.

TeacupDrama · 24/05/2019 14:49

I think a fuller understanding of love beyond the erotic is needed while I know most people here are not religious the passage from Corinthians 13 often read at weddings does sum up quite well what love is
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

love is not just sexual it is about being kind to each other, trusting , building up rather than pulling down, not humiliating not dragging up past mistakes over and over again, having each other's back,
you need the love of friendship/ companionship as well as erotic love to make it long term, I think those you mistake erotic love for enduring love end up with a series of 2-3 year relationships because they never move to the deeper level

mydogisthebest · 24/05/2019 14:50

I think friendship is just as important as love. I am amazed at how many couples don't really seem to get on as friends.

DH is my best friend and I am his. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else. I miss him when we are not together and, a lot of the time, when I am with other people I find myself thinking "I wish DH were here". We get on so well and have silly little jokes that we both get. I see or hear something and think if DH were here we would be laughing about this together.

When I say to some friends about us being best friends they seem surprised or even horrified. Years ago I asked one of my friends how her honeymoon had been. She replied that it was ok but it had got boring with just the two of them! They had never lived together before marriage. Unsurprisingly they are no longer together

TeacupDrama · 24/05/2019 15:14

@mydog I agree probably saying the same thing a different way, you don't need to spend every minute together and I do sometimes socialise without him but we are a team, we are not identical but we have similar values

TheZebraCrosser · 24/05/2019 20:22

Trust and like are equally as important.

Love = lust for most people anyway.

JustHereforHarriet · 24/05/2019 20:24

Isn’t love part of all that stuff? I didn’t love DH until I knew we shared a lot of common ground for example. Is love not the sum of all round assessment of compatibility?

Laiste · 24/05/2019 20:26

Would two people so fundamentally different actually ever fall in love though?

Love surely stems from a certain amount of basic compatibility. Otherwise it is 'just' lust.
Lust is a different animal altogether.

Original poster
clairemcnam · 24/05/2019 20:30

Laiste Sometimes people say love when it is really lust. But people do separate who really love each other, but who are just not compatible.

OP posts:
Laiste · 24/05/2019 20:41

It's a tough debate. The definitions of 'love' and even 'compatibility' are different for different people.

Friends of mine have left their partners over (what seemed to me to be) minor quarrels.

In contrast i put up with a ton of shite from DH in the early days. Was i in love or lust? Even i don't know! It was worth it anyway. 14 years on and we're inseparable and he's amazing. I feel he's the one putting up with me these days Grin

Grumpos · 24/05/2019 20:44

How can you love someone if you don’t like them, enjoy spending time together, find them irritating, horrible or boring....who are these people that accept rubbish relationships under the guise of “but I love him”....It’s more likely that it’s not love keeping them in the relationship, perhaps history, chemistry, denial, stubbornness..?
Also sometimes love changes doesn’t it, it’s not uncommon for people in long term relationships to find that their intimate love has become one of friendship or brotherly / sisterly. I think that is one of the saddest things, when you do actually love someone deeply but you know the relationship isn’t ticking the boxes it should Sad

Sparklesocks · 24/05/2019 20:44

I think it depends on the context, but yes sometimes other factors are at play

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