Difficult situation with DM

[Fuzzyspringroll]

Hi,
I moved to the UK when I was 19, moved in with DH and did my degree there. We moved around a bit and eventually bought our first house, got married and had DS.
Last year, we moved back to my home country. It was DH's idea...personally, I'd have rather moved to Canada...or Spain. I'm slowly starting to come to terms with the "reverse culture shock". Our work-life-balance is better. We've just bought a house but it still needs a lot of work. My DF is doing a lot of it and my DM is also trying to help. Her favourite thing to do is to tidy up and clean, so that's what she's doing. It drives DH nuts because stuff constantly gets moved and he's getting annoyed about never finding things in his own house.
I know, we should be grateful for the help and we are but she has a habit of never listening and just doing what she thinks is best. She then gets upset when I say anything because she's "only trying to help".
DH lost it the other day and while I agree that he's overreacted a bit, my DM is now "deeply disappointed" with him and doesn't want to see him again. He moved stuff back to where he wanted it to be, which she considers to be "terribly disrespectful" and a "sign of complete hatred" of her. So far, DH has always been too polite to say anything. He also doesn't speak the language very well, yet, so I'm always dealing with everything.
We had a long conversation yesterday and...

• She's upset that I've chosen to speak English with DS. It's apparently disrespectful because that's not the language of this country and we are isolating ourselves and I'm just trying to show off and nobody will want to be friends with me. (DS attends a local nursery four days a week. He understands both languages but is currently only responding in English with some words in the other language thrown in every so often. He's 2. It wasn't a problem that I used to speak in my first language with him when we were still in the UK.)
• They've given us loads of stuff and we aren't being grateful enough. (I haven't actually asked for any of the stuff and currently have a massive wardrobe in my house that doesn't fit anywhere.)
• She's spent ages cleaning the house we had rented and I haven't told her how thankful I am. (I had told her not to. The landlord was going for a total refurb and cleaning it was a complete waste of time. It was clean enough when we left. It didn't require a deep clean.)
• We didn't move here for them. (Well, no...we didn't. I find that a really odd complaint.)

AIBU to think my DM is a drama llama, needs to back off a bit and not make everything about herself? I've started to look on Rightmove and on jobsites for a way to move back to the UK. (Or perhaps Spain...)

I'd be moving away again. That or just thank her for the effort she has put into cleaning your house and tell her that you can manage from here on in. Don't have a situation where she can come and go into your house - don't give keys. Surely she had a life before you moved back so encourage her to get back to doing what she used to do. Why on earth did your Dh want to move there anyway when you weren't even pushing for it?

Exactly what @Drum2018 said. You need boundaries, fast!

We moved because I was getting frustrated in my job. It's a lot easier to do the job where we are now. DH had similar feelings and seems a lot happier in his current position. Brexit was making everything confusing and it just seemed like a "now or never" kind of situation.
We're also ttc again and I know maternity benefits here are a lot better than in the UK.
I'm trying to put in boundaries but she keeps making me feel like I'm the unreasonable one. I've started to try and just ignore her. DF and DSis seem to just enable her, though. Nobody else ever seems to tell her that she's wrong...

Don’t give her keys!

Clear boundaries now

Oh yes, just ignore her. Of course she’s not going to like you having boundaries. Do you have any siblings or are you the only focus?

I have a sister as well, who is also living close. They have a much better relationship, though, and spend loads of time together.
I never had that with my mum..not even as a child or teenager.
She's very focused on what other people think, so worried that they might think I'm stuck up (or her not being the perfect GM because she doesn't spend ages watching my DS like some of her friends). She's worried about what our new neighbours might think, so keeps cleaning outside. (Nobody else does...)
She's started a row with our neighbour because he keeps parking outside our house, so she keeps moving bis trailer outside his house. I couldn't care less where he parks his trailer. It's on a road, not in our drive.

She sounds dotty to be honest.
You will need to have a chat with her.
Try to keep the emotion out of the conversation but make it very clear that if she wants to clean, that is fine, but she doesn't get to move DH's documents/paperwork around, moving your neighbours trailer is off the cards and if she can't stick with that, she can just come for a short visit to see your DS and do nothing other than that. She is not expected to clean for you and if she keeps it up, you will have to give strong consideration to moving away (could be in the same country or elsewhere) but she won't be dropping in like she is doing. You appreciate and thank her for whatever work she has done so far, it is appreciated but going forward, these are the rules. Stick to them or don't but if she doesn't, the consequences will be that you'll move away.

I think this is is way of showing her love to you (cleaning, giving you furniture)

Yes you need boundaries in place but honestly she doesn't sound that bad compared to some mothers you hear about on here.

She sounds harmless though very annoying!

You say you never had much of an relationship with your mum and she's closer to your sister? Maybe this is why you are so irritated with her and feel unable to have a discussion about your feelings?

ElizabethMountbatten, not really, no. Our new house is about half an hour from where they live and that was already really difficult for her to accept. Ideally, she had wanted us to move to the same village, which would have been my personal nightmare.

Ukgift, I get that. I know that's how she's trying to show her love but she just comes across as really controlling. We've had a house and life in the UK. I'm not 19 anymore and she still treats me like I am a teenager. She knows better, whatever it may be. It's just rather tiring, to be honest.
It's not that I'm not able to talk about my feelings. It's her, who immediately feels under attack and starts having a strop when I say anything. I'm immediately considered to be ungrateful and inconsiderate. At the same time, she complaints that we can't have a normal conversation. It's like walking around on bloody eggshells around her.

You need distance OP, whether you achieve that by moving again or just firm boundaries is up to you but the current set up is patently too much.

It sounds like whatever you do/say will be wrong/not enough anyway so you may as well start putting some boundaries in place, if she's constantly displeased with you anyway at least it will be for a reason that benefits you! Do it for your DH if you can't do it for yourself

You need very firm boundaries if you’re going to continue living near your DM. Her behaviour is very interfering and it will damage your marriage if you let her continue in this vein.

My DM can be controlling as well. I’ve found in recent years that firmer boundaries have made a real difference. She’s always been very interfering where our DDs are concerned and I’ve had to learn to put my foot down. It’s hard to do at first, but your DM can only really interfere if you allow her to do so.

We can't move away, yet, since we've just moved in. The house will gain quite significantly in value after it's been done up, so it would be good to wait a little while.
Besides, we still don't know how Brexit will pan out and that's making things rather difficult.
She's quite opinionated with regards to how we are raising DS but I've learnt not to listen to her. I think she's disappointed because he's quite close to both DH and I and she used to leave my nan to care for me when I was a baby. It's been hard for her to understand that this won't be the setup we're happy with. I secretly hope that my sister falls pregnant soon so that shes got another grandchild to focus on. DSis will also be much more receptive for her parenting advice. 🤷‍♀️
In the meantime, I'll focus on starting and completing my MEd, in the hope that there will be a job for me when we're ready to return to the UK.