To have a word with his girlfriend or say nothing .

[spottymug]

My friend John .. let's call him.. is 30+ . He is seeing Anna for the last year . Anna came straight out of a seven year relationship a broken mess , her words. She endured a relationship of neglect, apathy and low level abuse. Anna pursues John relentlessly and they have met once or twice a fortnight since . Anna is besotted . She has told him fromday one that she loves him and wants babies ASAP. Anna is sweet and so lovely . She works hard and has built herself a nice life away from her abusive neglectful
Family. She is b low contact with them .
John , on the other hand , has a massive job, social Life, group of friends, amazing family, loads of hobbies etc. They come first .

Here's my dilemma... I have a real
Problem with the way John treats Anna as I feel that she is very vulnerable.. much younger than him with an upsetting back story and also that he knows she is clearly besotted and treats her as a very low down option in his life . He asked my opinion on his situation and i was honest with him. He didn't Like it as he is always trying to convince me what a great guy he is .

I have lost a lot of respect for him and have detached from our friendship for many reasons but him Showing how he treats Anna is one of the reasons . I really despise it.
She is so kind and loving and drops everything for him, does his shopping , puts up with him picking up and dropping her like a hot potato . This has gone on for a year or more .

As they move into their second year together, I have an overwhelming want to advise her that she is wasting her time . I am so much older than her and I feel a certain protectiveness over her, like a mother to an older child.

The reason I haven't posted on this before is because I always thought that it was absolutely none of my business and let them kick in with it etc. But now, what has happened is that John has started to message me in an inappropriate way. Suggestive, continuos, flirty and a bit creepy to say the least. I have put an immediate stop to this . I am Married , very happily , with a family and my respect level For him is now at nil. Do I say nothing or what would you do. She is not my friend but I do know her and I feel terrible pity for her .

I think as much as you'd want to tell her, you're highly likely to come out of this the bad guy.

You've shut him down, he knows you have his number. You know you won't be the only one he's messaged inappropriately, and you know that whilst she's "in love" with him, she won't listen rationally to what you have to say.

As awful as it is, I'd distance myself from him entirely, let the friendship go and accept that who he is now isn't someone you can be around.

I wouldn’t say anything, she is “besotted” and he will turn her against you. Probably say you are jealous of Anna, you want John for yourself etc.
Be there for her. She will need you, maybe not soon, but eventually.

Stay out of it

I would stay out of it, but be there if she needs me. Sometimes in a situation like this you can't do right for doing wrong, but i doubt that at this moment in time she would appreciate your input.

Block him. Be a friend to her. Sounds like she'll need it.

It's hard because I do understand why you want to tell her. He sounds like a prick.

But unfortunately, if she is besotted like you say, she will likely turn against you before him. People in this situation tend to only realise when they are ready to, not because other people are telling them so.

Become more her friend and less his. Ask her if she uses MN and tell her the relationship boards are brilliant.

Tricky because you won’t fair well here. She is besotted with him meaning if you go in all guns blazing insulting him and trying to get her to see sense, it will backfire. She has to learn the hard way I’m afraid, everyone does.

I have had friends who have been cheated on multiple times and they turn a blind eye to their friends informing them it has happened. They either don’t want to believe it or know it’s true but are too afraid to leave.

Even with the very best intentions, getting involved in other people's relationships never ends well.
If she's besotted, she'll likely ignore your advice and you'll be painted as a trouble stirrer. Unfortunately.

I should addfor context that i truly believe that John is either closet gay or asexual. He simply does not like sexual intercourse or related activity with women. She knows this and has said it's ok . She does enjoy sex however, according to him so I imagine that this is also a sacrifice for her . I was very shocked to hear this but his argument is that he has been honest and she has been accepting . That in itself makes me so sad for her, that she is willing to foresake that part of her to be in a relationship with him . His culture and family would never accept homosexuality so I think he has put this right to the back of his mind . She may be a beard? He desperately wants to fit in to his societal norms that surround him and can be quite vocal regarding sexual innuendo . A man in denial?

Absolutely do nothing. It will backfire, she will have to figure it out herself. Just drop him as a friend. If you are intensely invested then show her the texts, tell her what you think and then run but only do this if you are burning your bridges. Then at least she has a heads up.

I could never do that to her as the texts are suggestive and flirty and fawning . They would really break her heart twice over . Plus, I told him To do one and sort his relationship out with himself and his girlfriend , in not the kindest of words , by finishing with her and allowing her to find a genuine boyfriend who loves her for who she is .

I think if you know Anna, then you should tell her.

I'd absolutely hate to invest time and love into someone with a man like John and have no-one tell me. It's her life. She could be away focusing on herself and finding positive relationships as opposed to accepting shoddy treatment.

She's obviously not able to assert what she wants and needs right now and if she does stay with him after she finds out, then theres nothing more you can do.

You're in an awkward situation OP!

I don't really know what to do but appreciate all the advice very much. I certainly won't tell her my thoughts on his sexuality although of her blinkers were off, I'm sure she could see . I suppose as women/ mothers , we are protective . It doesn't sit right with me. She is mid twenties and really has had a shit life ... moved out at17 into a house with a man ten years her senior , who didn't give a toss about her . So many family issues, you could t begin to imagine . I see the attraction of John... from the outside, it looks like he's got his shit together , and domestically she could have a great life with him. Maybe deep down she does know all of this and chooses to hang in there in the hope that she will have stability and security in her life for once . She gets her needs met here and so does he ! He rolls her out to all the family get togethers so I believe that she may be a cover for him. I really really hope not! I'm sickened with him though . Really disappointed and surprised.. I never knew this side of him existed for r that he was capable of being so cruel to a woman