To be angry at my Mum for her drinking ?

[ohcarriemathison]

My mum is in her 60's and a barely functioning alcoholic.
She is just holding down a 4 day a week post but has had a lot of sickness. The most recent resulting in her going to half pay as she had used up her full pay sickness entitlement.

Her whole life revolves around alcohol.
She knocks back wine in one gulp.
She sneaks vodka into her drinks.

I just find it so terribly sad and depressing.

I always visit at all the special occasions. Take my children to see her. Try and be a good daughter but also try to address her drinking and smoking.

The denial she has around smoking and drinking is quite astounding.

My biological Dad committed suicide many years ago and I feel she has checked out of life really.

AIBU to feel angry with her ?

Although this anger only hurts me really.

I think it can be hard to see our parents as people who need help rather than the parent we need them to be. Your mum cannot fulfill her role to you and your children as she is ill. It’s impossible to treat someone who won’t acknowledge her illness and accept help. But for you, maybe some support or counselling or reaching out to one of the organisations for the families of alcoholics may help you cope with what her illness does to you?

I would be angry too. It is upsetting when someone you love is on a self destruction. It's sad because she will miss out on seeing her g.c. grow up. Poor woman, she could be depressed. Would she even consider seeing her g.p. to get help.

You aren't unreasonable to be angry but you know it won't change anything if your mum won't change.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery so I do know the damage that alcoholism can do to families but from the other side.

Contact al-anon. They exist as a support group for people in your position. I am sorry that you're going through this.

My biological Dad committed suicide many years ago and I feel she has checked out of life really.

Alcohol is an emotional crutch. Any (recovering) alcoholic will tell you that. I don't think the rise in drinking is in anyway coincidental to the increase in level of stress in modern day lives.

We only have to look at FB memes and MN posts so see the reliance people place on alcohol. 'had a hard day/long day that the office/kids playing you up/need to unwind its friday/... have a drink, that'll cure it' . It isnt a healthy mantra to live by.

You wont get your mother to stop drinking, shes 'depressed' and using it as her crutch to get through life as best she can.

There isn’t really much you can do apart from work out what your own boundaries for your and your children’s relationship with her are and stick to those. Adjust them whenever you or your children need to. And possibly get specialist advice on how to discuss the situation with your children as they grow older and need to understand what is happening.

I feel very sorry for you, and I agree with @alittleprivacy.

It's an illness, not a choice, although I understand the anger.

If you're close, I'd offer support and suggest a GP appt, AA, CBT, and help find resources. If she's unwilling to seek help, that's on her.

It's draining. The best thing you can do is tell her you're there for her but decide for yourself how much you can/are willing to give in support.

Then work on protecting yourself –tools to stop yourself getting angry and upset by her behaviour. Know that it's out of your control and your anger isn't helpful to you or her (although it's understandable! It's likely she's feeling guilty already.). Alcoholism is such a complex disease. Find help for yourself, too –someone to talk to, if you can.

You have my sympathy. Really shitty situation, poor you, poor kids and poor mum. Don't stop trying to help her so she knows she has a life line but your family need to come first. Do a little research about support and understanding for you, I believe there is a great support group for families of alcoholics... I just can't remember the name off hand. You are not unreasonable to be bloody angry you are being robbed of your mum. Addiction is so bloody awful and destroys so much more than the person with the problem. Good luck with everything.

Hi, thanks for peoples replies.
I had contacted Al Anon a few years back and the women I spoke to was so lovely.
Will contact them again.
I'm going to try and not feel angry at my mums drinking and accept she can't help it and let her know that if she ever did want help then I would be there for her.
I have broached her drinking with her before but she gets really angry with me then will blank me for days then act as if nothing has happened.