Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask when does it become verbal bullying among kids?

7 replies

HappyLifeError404 · 23/05/2019 18:53

DD is in Yr8. She is a generally happy child, usually gets on ok with most people, kids & adults. Young for her age in that she's not that fussed about boys or being cool. She'd still rather be playing on the trampoline or doing handstands.

She does a club a couple of times a week, and the kids there are a bit different to her - she takes the club fairly seriously and might even have a future in it if she wants it - has done some competitions. The others are mostly there just to have fun, which is fine. They aren't interested in doing well at school (DD is - she's not a genius, but she tries to do her best), they are interested in boys & makeup & fashion & being cool. They spend a fair bit of time during these sessions mucking about and talking about these things, whereas DD wants to learn more and do well.

The relationships with all the girls in the sessions have previously been quite amiable, but more girls have joined, and now it's getting a bit cliquey. There are a few girls in particular who have started to be a bit unpleasant - telling my DD that what she's doing is lame (she's working on another comp piece), that things she says are lame, and excluding and laughing at her. It seems to be slowly escalating.

I'm so torn - part of me wants to go charging in, and ask the session coach to deal with it (not sure what the reaction would be), but another part of me wonders if I'm being overprotective, and should be encouraging DD to develop some resilience and techniques to deal with unpleasant people. It's not helped by me not really having these issues as a kid - so it's hard to know how to tell DD to deal with it, as I never had to.

So my AIBU is to wonder where the line is - what is just kids being kids, and what is bullying? Where is that crossover? What point do you step in? I guess it's a bit of a WWYD too!

It's just such a bloody shame - DD loves these sessions, and they're being a bit spoilt by unpleasant kids.

OP posts:
ASauvignonADay · 23/05/2019 18:55

I think you can do both! Challenge it and also teach resilience and strategies to cope - we all meet unpleasant people in life and it's important to learn how to manage it, but absolutely report it and talk to the coaches.

Jamiefraserskilt · 23/05/2019 18:56

Teach her to say
"That was unkind, why would you say that?" REALLY loudly.

InACheeseAndPickle · 23/05/2019 18:58

I agree with PP I think you can do both. I wouldn't go charging in but I think it's fine to mention it to the coach, I do some volunteering with a kids group and would want a heads up if this dynamic was forming. I would also help DD counter this kind of nastiness. How does DD feel about it? Is her confidence being affected?

HappyLifeError404 · 23/05/2019 19:15

Thanks for your thoughts.

DD is getting a bit upset about it. No tears that I know of, but she's really fed up and feels like an outsider in a group she's been in longer than all but one of the others. She's already got this image in her head that she's not going to be part of most groups (school and outside), because she's not cool enough. :(

The last time she had a session, she was texting me during breaks, saying what was going on, and which kids were doing it.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 23/05/2019 19:39

I think that’s horrible, and unless it is nipped in the bud, will spoil her enjoyment of the club. What I would be tempted to do is take her to another club, because that sort of “not fitting in” bullying is insidious. The girls will insist they didn’t say anything nasty, and your DD will feel isolated. The other way forward is - depending on the club - for her to ignore all of them. Don’t talk to any of them, because they’re not nice girls.

ShawshanksRedemption · 23/05/2019 19:48

That is a bullying behaviour. They are intentionally bullying your DD by excluding her. It's called "Relational Bullying" and is particularly carried out by girls towards their peers.

I would certainly flag this up with the club organiser so they are aware, but I would also build resilience and self-esteem with your DD. Hopefully she has some good friends that will stand by her at this club so she doesn't feel totally ostracised.

HappyLifeError404 · 24/05/2019 17:29

I don't want to move clubs except as a last resort - DD is doing really well in her sessions, and this is the best club in the area, with an exceptional trainer. There are other good clubs, but it would mean a heck of a journey - or closer to home, but not so good, which if she did want to go professional when she is older, would not be good for her.

Turns out there's another aspect to the behaviour - the other girls will gang up together if my DD speaks up against them, and all start saying that she has a warning, and she'll have to leave the club if she keeps on. This is not based on the instructor or the club, this is the girls themselves.

I've been chatting with DD about it, but she's struggling to stand up to them. I shall have a quiet chat with the trainer next session she has.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread