Telling aggressive ex....

[greentruck]

I've found out I'm pregnant (contraceptive failure) to a man I've only recently started seeing.

Ex and I only split a couple of months ago, we have 1 DC together.

He's known to get very aggressive and lose his temper (he did when he heard that he was seeing someone else) so I'm completely panicked about his reaction when he finds this out.

How do I even go about this? Tell him now? Tell him in a couple of months? How do I even tell him?

Or do I not, and just wait until he notices or even hears elsewhere?

I've got no idea how to go about this, I feel so stuck.

I would wait until you tell everyone else, he doesn't deserve any special treatment. His reaction is his problem, just don't do it face to face for your own safety

You need to be thinking more of your DC than him tbh. Forget him, you need to consider how this will effect your DC... How has the guy you’re seeing reacted as well?

Your ex is the least important person in this scenario.

Congratulations

Just make sure it comes from you, so once you’re ready to tell people prioritise him being one of the first after close friends and family! I suppose he does deserve to know his DC will have a brother or sister, but also his reaction will be exaggerated if he feels you didn’t respect him enough to let him know. Just be the bigger person and try to not let his reaction get to you.

@Pinkvoid 100% agree and have thought about DC a lot in the decision.
The guy I'm seeing has reacted really well, never felt so supported.
My priority is DC and things remaining stable for him but I'm so panicked that

1. I'm going to feel unsafe when he finds out and reacts
2. He's going to try and 'take' DC from me as he'll 100% throw it at me that I'm completely irresponsible for allowing this to happen and he'll try and say I'm pushing DS out

I'm just terrified!

@Beebeezed I don't let his general tantrums or reactions get to me, they go over my head - I just really don't trust his temper with something this big & for him not to get violent or go to courts or anything!

I think you should speak to Refuge or Women’s Aid for advice. Good luck.

@Bigmango thank you!

Keep evidence. If he texts you an abusive text, keep screenshots. If he gets angry face to face, have reliable witnesses to back you up in court if necessary (and to protect you at the time). Make sure your life is in order and you have nothing to hide so if he does threaten court so what?! Let him! ensure you have the upper hand and never react to him, so that if it ever does to get to court you are the bigger person. Lots of people get pregnant after only being with people a short while, it’s not a crime. However him threatening you (or worse) is a crime and you need to be able to back these claims up if necessary. My friend was in a similar situation as you, and screenshots of texts l from her abusive ex helped her a lot in court. She didn’t reply to them (which riled him more) so was clearly the bigger person in the situation and the outcome worked in her favour

@Beebeezed thank you

Congratulations! Don't let him paint you as irresponsible by not approaching is as a mistake. If I were you I'd start to set the scene that things are getting more serious with new partner and let him begin to come to terms with that idea, and then tell him much, much later - as late as you can. He doesn't deserve to be told early and you will want the stress for as short a period as possible. With the extra time that you buy yourself, I'd speak with the organisations listed by pps and start to plan how you can make sure you will be safe and secure and make sure there is nothing that he could use against you if he does try to take your daughter from you through the court. (I'm sure there's not but it will put your mind at rest just to go over everything).

Oh and I agree with a pp - keep evidence of everything and be really careful how you interact with him via text. You know the situation, he doesn't, so you have an advantage here. You can make sure you always talk to him calmly, reasonably and politely, and keep all messages where he doesn't do the same to you to use as potential evidence incase you do have a problem with him trying to take your daughter.

@Whatareyoutalkingabout thank you!

I know it's not nice to think about but if it were me I think I'd just abort.

I mean it was a an accident, with a guy you barely know (heck they are all lovely...in the beginning) and you're already a single parent with one d-bag ex partner tied to you through now via that child for life. Haven't you enough worries already? xD

@TeaForTheWin thanks for the input but it wasn't a light decision, I'd thought for weeks about it and have decided that this is the best decision for everyone!

Lol...odd word choice. I mean if it's what you want then good, fair enough. Lifes too short to not do what you want to do :)

But surely it isn't 'the best option for everyone' xD I mean it genuinely sounds like a terrible idea...for everyobe. But hey, sometimes terrible ideas are fun I guess.

Don't suppose moving away is an option? Ex cant hurt you if he cant find you lol.

@TeaForTheWin don't think it's a viable option in this situation 'lol'!

Any update OP? Hope it is all going well