To be considering DC4?

[CalamityJess]

I know I am!

Please remind me of all the reasons why it’s a terrible idea! I’ve always wanted four but we’d (very sensibly) decided against for career/financial/environmental reasons.

Please, help me shake this broodiness!

I have 4 and love the chaos and noise - most days anyway x

@0ccamsRazor That’s my biggest obstacle, to be honest. I know we’re already on the wrong side of the balance with 3. We’re a family who try really hard to be eco-friendly in other ways (cloth nappies, no holidays abroad, etc.) but I’m fully aware that we’ve more than cancelled that out by having an “extra” child...

Honestly, I don’t find 3 too difficult or stressful at all (yet). Of course there are low points, but on the whole I love being a mum and generally my children are pretty good. But that will almost certainly change, I know!!

I had a surprise number 4. It took me quite a long time to get used to the idea! It does extend your "parenting years"! Number 4 goes to senior school in September ending my 17 years doing the school run! We haven't noticed a huge impact financially guess we were already in that mindset? My eldest is about to leave home and I don't have any empty nest feelings, I think by the time they have all gone I'll feel glad to move on to the next stage in my life. Number 4 is a fabulous addition to our family and we all adore her, wouldn't change a thing!

CalamityJess it is a tough one isnt it? Trying to meet both head and heart wishes.

I suggest you have a read of some of the higher education threads.
GCSE x 4
A levels x 4
Topping up maintenance loans x 4

Not to mention the drudgery of 4 young children, then the emotional roller coaster of 4 teenagers with potential friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues, school uniform costs, school trip costs etc.

Then, what about time for yourself?

Are the older 2 at an age where they have an opinion? How do you think they'll feel having another sibling?

why would anyone need 4 DC? yabvu.

Do you have a big enough house for them all to have reasonable space?
What are the age gaps and sexes?
Do you have a people carrier?
Can you afford to support them all?
Will having a fourth take opportunities away from the other three (holidays, savings, uni support)?
Do you have plenty of support for the practicalities?

One of my friends has 4, 1 with ASD and another in the assessment stage as they suspect ASD (and other health issues). Next week she has 4 hospital appointments on top of getting all the kids to and from school / nursery and clubs. She really wants to get back into work but can't find a way to make it work.

Teens are as hard as toddlers if not harder.
Like a pp my 2nd has had issues from the day he was born, never stopped crying replaced with screeching, demanding, shouting, he has so many sensory issues we can't get out most days.
My first has HFA she is a calm child, I would never risk number 3.

One of my DC has complex SN. nothing that could have been diagnosed prenatally.

For me the question would always be - what if this potential baby had severe disabilities which would impact on your ability to work (and earn), which would take up a log of your time in terms of care and support meaning your time for the other 3 DC would be very thinly spread. you would have to battle health, social and educational services. How would you cope in these circumstances financially, practically and emotionally?

Given that you have 3 healthy DC, I really think you should count your blessings, be happy and content with what you have. Wanting a 4 DC is just egoistic and greedy!

"Teens are as hard as toddlers if not harder."

That has certainly been my experience. They need you far far more on an emotional level than toddlers do. I found the primary school years the easiest.

This happened to the parents of one of my friends - they had 3 but always imagined having 4. They ended up keeping one of the new piglets from the farm as a pet! (This was before micro pigs were a thing). They absolutely doted on Alexander the Pig, I think he lived to 15+ years!!

No real advice, but perhaps you can invest that love into fostering/adopting a pet? Your kids might like it too

P.S. Definitely not advising a pig - Alexander ate most of the furniture! There were little bite marks everywhere!

Teens are much more draining on finances, time & emotion.

Having 4 toddlers would make everybody's lives a lot harder, I couldn't even imagine the work load and financial drain of 4 teens in a home.

I have 5. Age 26, 17, 15, 13 and 11. It’s been hard at times but my most challenging child has been my eldest. The others get on well mostly 🙂 and are a pleasure to be around.

Uni top ups won’t happen but not sure they want to go tbh. Lots of hand me downs also they don’t have loads of clothes.

Environmental impact is probably shocking but I used cloth nappies and extended breastfeeding. We run one car and we all walk whenever possible. We don’t go on holiday - we live near the seaside. We get involved in beach clean ups.

I have four! I am never bored or lonely and when they play nicely and all make each other laugh it’s wonderful. I don’t have much time for myself but I think (hope) that will get easier as they are older.

I think the hardest thing (as a pp says) is leaving their needs or wants unmet. I find it really hard to fit in helping my eldest with her homework or my middle one with crafting for example, and days out are very stressful with all four so we do tend to divide into two camps of big ones with one parent and little ones with another. If DH goes away for work then getting everyone up and out of the house in the morning and then fed, bathed and to bed is relentless. I wouldn’t change it for the world but I am exhausted. My standards are much lower than my friends who have three and my house is messier (although maybe that’s just me ).

How does everyone afford 3?! Paying for school, university and a deposit means we've stopped at one. Or having 4 adult children living at home so they can save for a deposit seems like a lot?

Mine go to state schools. If they go to uni they will have to fund with loans etc. If they want a house deposit they will save up.