To regret this

[Bluemuse443]

that I have never had a corporate job, living overseas earning a good amount of money/living an ‘exciting’ life?

I’ve just turned 40 and met a new man - all his much younger exes have lived all over the world doing high powered jobs and lived full lives - running marathons, winning awards, big social groups - I feel inadequate in comparison and it’s too late to change any of it

I know I am moaning, just feel I’ve let life pass me by

Does anyone else feel like this or is it the social media curse of comparison?

I think the things that are important here are whether you and him get on really well, have plenty in common and find each other attractive. It is completely irrelevant what his exes were like. Maybe he likes your personality more than theirs. Maybe being a high flyer got in the way of their relationships. Concentrate on how he treats you and the quality of your relationship and on the here and now.

What have you done that you're proud of though? I'm sure there are things. We all make choices which lead down a certain path. Then some of us do decide we don't like it and take another path. For example I chose to study a creative subject rather than something which would take me into health care. Although I could have done either I made a choice to prioritise doing something I enjoy and being creative. So that means some of the things involved in the other path aren't part of my life. But that's OK because it was a choice.
Sorry if that was long winded! What I'm trying to say is we can't have everything and often make choices to prioritise what we find important. So what is that for you? However I do think we can sometimes have regrets when we feel like we haven't had much choice and things just happened or we're fine to us. Maybe you're feeling like you haven't been able to direct your life as much as you would like? So it's not that particular thing, i.e. a corporate job but the agency which is the issue?

I sort of know what you mean OP but also you are being a bit UR.

When it comes to career, I feel a bit the same way. Obviously it's arrogant (and easy) to say I definitely could have had a great career, so I'm not saying that, but there have been opportunities I haven't taken through either nerves or inertia. Maybe it would have been a disaster but I regret not trying.

When it comes to other things though, you are only 40! You can still run a marathon, travel, and try new things. Plenty of people have career changes at your age or older.

It all boils down to personality. Some people are ambitious and energetic, others prefer a quieter life and that's ok. You can't be someone you're not and there's years ahead for you to experience new things.

Fucking Hell OP - the "red flag" brigade have swamped this thread. Looks more like a sodding communist party rally than considered replying to your post. There are plenty who seem to want to put the boot in and undermine your relationship when you actually seem quite happy with him.

Have you been happy? Are you wanting to actually DO those things or do you just think you should have done them or would like to have the tales to tell? My life has mainly been in my home city and I've never had a high-flying job. But ive had a lovely time. Ive had interesting jobs working for a range of local charities, i have lovely friends, I'm close to my funny, kind interesting family and now i have a nice little house and 2 beautiful children. It's dull on paper but I've enjoyed (almost) every minute of it.
Sometimes i look at my more "successful" friends or my cousin who has lived and worked across the world and think it might have been nice but that was their life and their choices and i made mine. I don't feel I've really missed out, just found my happiness in a different place.

Agree with PP, surely if you'd been interested in that style of life you'd have done it?

I moved abroad and had a fairly high-flying career until ill health and having DC made me settle into good job, but not high-flying.

A couple of years ago DH and I realised that we weren't enjoying life too much (FT jobs + young DC who woke multiple times a night = very treadmill and stressful). So we sat down and worked out what would make us happier and tweaked our lives to adjust.

Simple things like doing more sport, reading decent books, days out with the DC instead of the local park.

I have done the living overseas, travelling for work every week, staying in hotels etc...
The one thing I was dreaming about was to be back home. I WANTED the quieter life, somewhere stable and not be ‘ somewhere’ all the time.

A life like this is exciting form the outside or when you do that on a punctual basis. Do that regularly and you stop enjoying hotels and restaurants. I know I still dint really get excited by anything like this and I have come out of that life 15 years ago.

Living abroad is great - i did it for a while and very many of my friends and family have too - but one friend working abroad in a good job told me the rule of thumb about expats was that they were “freaks or runaways” and he admitted there was a great deal of truth in that! Admittedly the ones I know are more the runaway type than the freak type but there can often be an element of that in people who work abroad. Not intended as a criticism as I’ve done it myself! But it’s a nice way to escape or step out of a life you’re unhappy with. Often with lots of perks too. So staying out isn’t necessarily the lesser choice. Maybe you’ve been happier with the life you already had?

Well whoopee doo for them. Wouldn't be my idea of a good life

"Red flags are flying."

No they aren't, and stop flinging that expression around when it isn't warranted. OP went snooping on social media for his ex-girlfriends. How she's feeling now is why that is never a good idea.

If you aren't happy with your life OP then work to change it for your own sake. But what you see on social media isn't real - it's carefully selected high points. You have no idea how happy or fulfilled these people are or what they might have going on in their lives.

We can't all be high-powered. Look at all the sacrifices they probably made to achieve that. Are you sure you would have been any happier? Many of us are at least a little discontented with life but we have to make the best of things. You need ability and confidence to achieve and most of us are average.

I know what you mean! I had an average job when I met my now ex husband. I met him we moved in together, quickly babies came and then we married. I was a sahm. He had a high flying job and earned lots of money so I didn't need to work. Fast forward 9 years and he left me. So now I'm 35, never done anything exciting with my life and I do have regrets. But it is what it is and you can't spend your life regretting things you can't change!

all his much younger exes have lived all over the world doing high powered jobs and lived full lives - running marathons, winning awards, big social groups

gosh, they sound like a pain. If that's who he goes for, and you are more relaxed, normal person, you might not be well suited for each other. Also if he is with some "expectations", that's gonna feel stifling.

Do you want that kind of life? Because that’s what counts.

I’ve (sort of) had that existence, though no marathons lol. There are pros and cons to it. It requires a lot of sacrifice, though in many ways I really enjoyed it.

Don’t let him tell you who you should be. It’s not his life. I’d also be questioning why he’s telling you so much about these exes.

I’m a low-flyer myself, but I know what you mean. The only consolation is, as other PP have mentioned, 40 is a great age to start your adventures in life. Try something new. They might run marathons and have glamorous jobs, but that doesn’t sound very well rounded. You can learn about a period of art or read the ‘classics ‘ all for free, and bring more to a conversation than people who bang on about running times. Think about cultivating yourself and what that means to you.

With social media, everyone is showing the best and most exotic parts of their lives which can make other people feel bad in comparison with what they are doing. Travelling and living abroad is not for everyone and high flying careers can suck the soul out of you! Know your good enough as yourself! As someone who has been fortunate to travel and live abroad, it's not always the rosy journey portrayed on social media, people will never show the negatives when there trying to keep up the perfect life! If you are happy within yourself, that's all that matters, comparing yourself to other people is not healthy and too many of us do it because of IG and FB!

How did you find out about the jobs and private lives of multiple exes if he hasn't spoken about them? How did you even know their names? And you even managed to somehow find out that his family loved them!

This makes no sense. Does he keep a list of their names on his facebook page or something?

I’ve never been a high flyer nor wanted to be. Married, worked as an accountant, had two children, haven’t moved much further than 5 miles from birthplace. But I’m happy and content.
Depends what you personally want op.
His ex’s are ex’s though aren’t they? You’re the one with him - maybe he appreciates the tranquility. I assume he likes you as you are so don’t try to change into someone you’re not.
Also, don’t worry what his family think - you may be completely wrong about their opinions.
Make peace with yourself.
And you’ve still got plenty of time if you feel you’ve missed out on anything.

I had that life. It also led me to a breakdown.

All that aside; rather than comparing yourself to these apparent high-flyers is to reflect on what you want, where you are and how you could go about living/working towards a life that you want. Think about the tangible steps you could take to achieve your goals. Running a marathon is not beyond reach. Joining different groups and learning new skills are all within reach.

Thank you for your replies - to be clear, he hasn’t told me about these women, I have just looked using snippets which have come up in general conversation - I should be a detective! So no ‘red flags’ in that sense

I realise this is all to do with me and not him. I don’t have kids, my job is good but I’m not earning loads of money so I feel I haven’t been accomplished in either area - often one compensates in the absence of the other (have swanky material things OR happy grubby children - I have neither - some have both)

I realise FB and IG are highlights but I feel these women did it the right way round - successful careers and now in their early/mid thirties and getting married/having kids - I feel like I am nowhere

Sorry, another moan!

Time is running out on the kids side so don’t feel I can get a job in Dubai or Australia....what to do?

It's not too late until you're dead. you can do whatever you want. Maybe sign up for a marathon this year?

His ex’s may have done it all, be in their early thirties and now getting married. But they’re not marrying him are they?
Be kind to yourself op. He likes you as you are.

Hi, I lived that life for 15 years and it was a blast, without the medals.

However, if your life has fabulous parts, it also has the everyday niggles. I loved and lived some great highs but I also had some lows, just like everyone else does but sometimes in wonderful cities.

At times people living those fabulously exotically located lives, have huge lonely moments because no-one around them will allow them to express the everyday annoyances and irritation that we all feel.

This without a doubt is the reason I made some wonderful friends from many locations during this time. We were always hugely supportive of each other as we all appreciated that we had little support outside of each other.

Most of the time you jog yourself out of it and if you are lucky you buck yourself up and get on with it, reminding yourself how lucky you are.

The thing is, those fabulous lives in fab locations mostly involve hugely pressured jobs, big expectations for the large salaries, long hours, and very poor family life.

Only the most accommodating of partners indulge the long hours.
So this life style has an end date.

The worst thing you can do at the beginning of a relationship is to drown him in your feelings of inadequacies.

Focus on what draws you to him and embrace that he is attracted to you.

I wouldn't change a minute of my experiences but I'm sure they are not essential to a fulfilled life.