Ex switching days !!!!

[spik]

Ex and I have - for the past couple of months - been working when he has DS on the basis of when it suits him really. It doesn't bother me particularly, so long as he gave me enough notice of what days he was thinking and stuck to them, I really didn't mind being flexible around when worked best for him.
(Despite this system, it's still been thrown at me that I'm unreasonable and make his life difficult sometimes?)

Either way, I'm pretty stressed at the minute because I'm desperately looking for another job and trying to arrange interviews.
The problem is - he never decides on when he wants DS or tries to make arrangements until I end up messaging him after a few days has passed since he last had him and ask him when he's thinking. There hasn't been many times where I haven't had to ask him.
He'd usually be alright and answer promptly with the days he was thinking that week.
Now at the minute, I'm usually waiting about 24 hours even for a response and then it'll be about 24-48 hours notice before the day he wants him, which is hard with interviews.

He finally answered my question about when he wanted DS this week after a while last night with the 2 days that suited him. Fine, I organised plans for one night and 2 interviews the following morning.
He's now decided he'd rather do 2 different nights this week, due to him having a lot on. The 2 different nights means that not only would I have to rearrange my plans from tomorrow night, but I'd have to rearrange the interviews too!

I explained this all to him and how it's not really acceptable when all I do is work around him anyway and he should appreciate that more but ended it with an unhappy 'don't worry, I'll sort it though!!!!!!' and he basically just put 'thanks', didn't care at all about him chopping and changing the days.

Obviously it's going to have to be set days from now but AIBU to be livid and to even say no to the days he now wants and say we'll stick to the one that remained the same (he originally wanted Thurs and Fri, now Fri and Sat)?

I'm really sick of it!!

His answer when I explained that it was pretty unfair of him given that I work round him and allow him to dictate when he has DS around when is best for him to give me barely any notice and then wait until I'd made arrangements and change his mind was - 'with due respect, you're the one that suggested that system'.

Hardly fair when I'm happy to give him an easy life and be flexible to throw it back at me and make my life difficult!

Have set days and if he doesn't stick to it, tough. Some men just don't deserve to be dads. It's all about control. Good luck with your job hunting.

@lazyarse123 thank you!

Always have a back up I had to leave work early last week as ex decided he couldnt pick the kids up from school on his day on his day this week I have a back up I can call

Why did you say you would sort it though? Clearly, he's happy to let you keep sorting it as long as you keep doing it.

You need to actually lay it out in a way that doesn't keep letting him off the hook: "This flexible arrangement is no longer possible. Starting next week, I'll need you to have DS on the same days every week, Friday and Saturday, as agreed."

Set days sounds like the answer. I wouldn't have moved interviews.

@bridgetreilly I just said it in more of a passive aggressive way as in I'll sort everything as usual! It was after a whole message of 'no, that's not acceptable for you to just change' but he couldn't care less.

I completely agree with that - do I just go ahead and allow him to have the 2 days he's switched to this week though?

'with due respect, you're the one that suggested that system

I mean, it does sound like you both suggested that system and have facilitated it happening. It's perfectly reasonable to need to change that now, but it sounds to me like you're sending a lot of mixed messages. Be clear what you want, tell him without any nonsense about you sorting it out, and then stick to it.

My exH is the same. If I don’t chase him, he will leave me with 24 hours notice, I end up having to ask so I can plan our weekend.

If you can find back up childcare for interviews that would be best, he isn’t very reliable.

@NeatFreakMama even if I'd have said no that doesn't work, he wouldn't have had him that day either way once his mind was set that it didn't suit him so I'd have had to change interviews anyway.

Having back up / alternative pick ups is important even when parents are together and fully committed to their children. stuff happens, cars breaks down, etc So it's not just a matter of being unable to rely on someone.
Having said that - stop doing his job for him. Start saying 'no - that's not convenient' especially for really short notice dates / times. It may or may not be about control - it could be just plain ol' can't be bother to get his act together and all the time you're agreeing to whatever he suggests, there is no incentive for him to get his act together.

So get some back ups in place, stop chasing him for dates and start saying 'No'. You can take control back
Best of luck with the job hunting

@DPotter thank you!

Get a written parenting plan if you haven't got a legal agreement.

That sounds untenable though and entirely unfair on you. Do you have family or childminder if he changes his mind? My sis has something similar and she has to be strict with him so he doesn't keep messing around with her life and using that to control her. Take the power back and tell him to do one when hea taking the piss does rely on finding a backup though when it's important.

Thanks everyone.
DS is in nursery half the week. Couldn't afford extra childminder back up on top of that and don't have any family/friends that could assist on short notice at all!

Sounds like you are being too obliging. Great that you are trying to facilitate the relationship but the consequence is that he sees it as your responsibility to be the default childcare.

Send a message back saying that the changing days doesn't work any more and that DS needs consistency of routine, so you'll be offering him set days only.

Please tell me he's at least paying maintenance?

Then you need to start networking to find friends who can help - neighbours, parents who use the same tutor, clubs etc. It really is worth the investment in time and energy to build these support networks. Also think about asking his family - his parents, siblings etc

Set days that are the norm that everyone can plan around. Moving dates are the exception, set days are the rule. It really helps both of you and your DS. They respond well to having a set routine - eg. on the day of football I always go to Dad's. Kids with divorced parents do need to be more organised than others as they get older - they need to know what to have in their bag for the following day etc. So a routine really helps them feel confident and secure and organised.