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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to be involved.

24 replies

whothedaddy · 22/05/2019 16:13

I have been contacted, out of the blue, by my ex partners now ex gf. She says he cheated on her with a lady we will call Kate. Kate thinks ex partner is the father of her daughter.

He is refusing to acknowledge any responsibility.
I had a child with ex partner 10 years ago.
The ex GF has asked if Kate can get in contact with me to discuss DNA testing my child to prove connection.

Ex partner is a terrible dad. There have been court cases and SS involvement, he doesn't pay and visitation is sporadic at best. It has been that way since we split 8 years ago.

I do not trust the man at all, but my child wants a relationship with their father so I bite my tongue and try my best.

He has caused enough confusion in my child's life...I guess my question is AIBU to ignore these women, it's not my problem...or should I find out if my child has a sibling for their sake.

I'm so torn.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 22/05/2019 16:14

Ignore

herculepoirot2 · 22/05/2019 16:14

I’d allow it. I would want my child to know their sibling.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/05/2019 16:16

Ignore.

If Kate wants to do a DNA test, she can get DNA from HIM.

Summerorjustmaybe · 22/05/2019 16:17

He has failed both dc. Them having a decent shot of a sibling relationship would be a great idea. Not like anyone needs to know about the test just yet. ...

HintOfRaspberry · 22/05/2019 16:18

Whilst I would want my child to know their sibling, I would see it as his responsibility to facilitate this.

If he's as feckless as you say, I suppose its up to you whether you want to take on that responsibility yourself or not.

My DS has two half-siblings and his dad has never bothered to meet him or build any bridges, Ive left it.

bridgetreilly · 22/05/2019 16:20

You don't have to do this. She can pursue him for a DNA test if she chooses to.

outsho · 22/05/2019 16:21

I would block and ignore.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2019 16:22

Can't Kate go through the court to establish paternity?

pikapikachu · 22/05/2019 16:23

Kate can get a DNA test via the CMS. I would personally prefer not to know about my ex's life.

itswinetime · 22/05/2019 16:24

I'm not sure that legally proving a link between your dc and her her child would help her in anyway through the courts.

I'm also not sure but if she is trying to take him via the proper channels for child maintenance ect surely there is a system to prove or disprove paternity she'd be better pursuing that I would think.

I would stay out of it it. If you want to foster a relationship between the siblings that's great but while your dc still wants a relationship with their dad it's not fair to put them in the middle of this.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2019 16:25

Given all of the hell you've been through, I would be VERY hesitant to get involved. It is Kate's responsibility to get a DNA test ordered through your ex, surely?

Original poster
whothedaddy · 22/05/2019 16:25

pikapikach That is kind of where I currently stand. I have no interest in him or his life. I wish he would leave me alone. He doesn't.

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 22/05/2019 16:26

I would ignore but mainly because it has nothing to do with the ex of your ex. Why is she getting involved. I would possibly facilitate if it was ‘Kate’ asking for the sake of her child - but this would be depending on the reasoning for wanting the DNA test - if it’s to chase him for money then I would ignore but if it’s so she can find out if your DC is related to her DC so they can maybe have a relationship then I would.

All sounds very messy

Drum2018 · 22/05/2019 16:29

When your dd is old enough she can decide for herself if she wants someone testing her DNA. Until then do not engage with this third party. Why the hell is the ex gf in contact with Kate anyway? What a bizarre set up. She should stay out of it too and leave Kate to sort her own situation.

TheTrollFairy · 22/05/2019 16:34

Just re-read your OP and I have seen that ‘Kate’ thinks he’s the dad. On this alone I would stay well away. Your child isn’t to be used so people know who the parents of their child is.
This isn’t a drama either of you need to get involved in and like others say, even if a DNA shows that they are related, it doesn’t actually prove that your ex is the dad.

Acis · 22/05/2019 16:50

Instinctively I don't think I would want my child to be subjected to a test to help with someone else's legal battle. Even if it's not very invasive, it's difficult to know how you'd explain it to the child.

But more materially, I wouldn't want to get involved in the dispute in case it rebounded on either me or my child.. So I would say keep away from this.

purpleboy · 22/05/2019 16:53

The point that stands out for me is that is could be your DCs half sibling. I would want to encourage a relationship if possible, but not at the expense of my child. I wouldn't be facilitating the DNA test, however if she was to pursue it and they are related, I would want to try to forge some sort of relationship.
Could be a lot of drama to come though if the mum thinks she can constantly lean on you for support etc..
It's a hard call.

Original poster
whothedaddy · 22/05/2019 16:55

Thank you. I have blocked the Ex-gf. This isn't my battle.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 22/05/2019 16:57

Yeah, tell them no, you're not getting involved, if he's the dad, she can chase him for a DNA test

cranstonmanor · 22/05/2019 16:57

I agree that it isn't your calling but it might be your childs in the future. How old are they now? Are tgey almost at an age where they can decide for themselves?

MRex · 22/05/2019 17:13

I'd suggest that "Kate" goes through the CMS to request maintenance, if the feckless man denies paternity then they will do a paternity test. It's troubling that Kate only "thinks" it's his child and that this other ex is involved, and I would be concerned that this ex is playing some other game that isn't related to "Kate" chasing up maintenance at all. I'd let them know that if his paternity is proved then you'll support then developing a sibling relationship by occasional meet-ups, but that until the child's paternity is resolved you won't get involved.

MRex · 22/05/2019 17:14

Poor kids, having such messy situations forced on them.

Doyley47 · 22/05/2019 17:18

Please don't . DNA is the most personal bit of data any of us have. I can't understand those who randomly send off just to know if they've got Viking blood or similar. Don't give it unless strictly necessary, you would'nt give up any other personal details would you?

BlueJava · 22/05/2019 18:32

Wise move OP, if she wants to test she should talk to him. That sounds lime a big drama if you do that.

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