To be sick of my twatty stepfather

[Stripyseagulls]

DM has been married to her husband for over 20 years and his behaviour has always been pretty bad in that his kids are the golden children & me & my sibling are the black sheep. It’s for no reason really but he looks down on us for a load of reasons.

I have 2 DCs and his kids have 4 between them- his kids and grandkids get loads of visits & time lavished on them. My kids- who are my DMs only grandkids - get a token gesture visit once a year. It was 3 hours at Xmas while his grandkids got a week. We all live a distance from them but apparently we live too far away. I have fallen out with my DM over it before but currently trying to keep the peace for some semblance of a relationship for my kids.

Anyway, they were meant to be coming down overnight in a few weeks as DM has seen her grandkids for 3 hours in a year. Now he is refusing so DM is coming on her own (it’s clear he has been bullying her and actually refused to drive her)

DM won’t stand up to him and won’t say anything - it’s all pictures of his perfect kids and grandkids over Facebook but my kids are being stopped from having a relationship with their grandmother. She won’t stand up to him. I took my kids to stay with them but he shouted at my son and made him cry so after that I said I would never visit again.

I don’t know what to do- I feel like he has destroyed my relationship with DM and is trying to do the same with my kids.

Aibu to go no contact? I don’t want to with my DM but it’s becoming impossible and really upsetting

I know you've alluded to your DM being bullied by her husband but can you sit with her (without him, obviously) and tell her how you feel maybe? From what you say, there sounds to be clear favouritism for the other side of the family.

Sorry you're going through this, OP

How was your relationship with your mum growing up?

If you know she misses you and enjoys your relationship keep facilitating it. When she comes have a really brilliant time so she chooses to come again on her own. She may be under horrible pressure from him and feel stuck.

I can imagine your upset though

It sounds like she might be getting abused and controlled in someway. Maybe insist all future visits are her alone.

I think you seem to be excusing her role in this. Before all the gc came along, you and your sibling were treated badly and she allowed that. So it was expected that this extended to the grandchildren. The fact that you have fallen out over it before and she hasnt at least acknowledged the problem.
I think shes the worse of the two, she enables and allowed it for decades.

If your Mum is still coming to visit you on her own, see this as an opportunity to reconnect with her, and to be able to ask her about whether she is happy in the relationship or not.

It sounds as if she wants to come, and he's the one being an arse. Maybe she just does't know how to stand up to him?

Don’t go NC on her.

She needs you, and if your step father realises you aren’t around to back her up, he might get worse.

Take matters into your own hand.
Visit your mum, rather than wait for her to visit you.
Ask her to come stay for a few days or join you on holiday.
Maybe she doesn’t like that you still are not accepting of her husband of 20 years. You clearly don’t like him, she’s not stupid, maybe your step-siblings offer a warm welcome to both their dad and your mum.

You can’t know that “it’s clear he is bullying her” unless you are there.

I have a vaguely similar situation (only vaguely though) and the way I've handled it has changed over the years, it started with me inviting the non-twatty one directly, and circumnavigating the gate keeper, offering to meet at odd times and in odd places half way etc. This worked to a certain degree.
Then a few more instances happened and i realised actually non-twatty one was just enabling it, and actually making it worse by going along with it. They had the option to stand up, they had the option to see us but they chose not to, they chose to have the easy life and stick but the twatty ones games.
So i stopped making the effort and I'm now 2 years since i saw them.

However, if you think your mum is being controlled by the step dad than its obviously a different story to just being complicit.

Leave her to it. She’s made her choice.

To be fair if my mum chose a man over her own blood then i would Go NC unless the reasons were valid.

I would be severely disappointed if my mum let a man control her like that and would see it as her making her choice.