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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suggest him having a snip?

23 replies

Mumma626 · 22/05/2019 13:13

My partner have 2 DS. A few months back I l had a conversation with him where I expressed that I didn’t feel I was finished having children but he felt he was. Although I would love another baby that’s fine, I respect that he doesn’t want anymore.
I’m currently on hormonal contraception and every since our conversation I have been spent each month worrying when my period is a few day late. My fear is that i am going to fall pregnant and he is going to assume I have trapped him.
I have mentioned to him about getting the snip done before and he said no he didn’t want and asked why I cant get my tubes tied.
Would I BU to suggest it again.
I just feel that if he is 100% he doesn’t want anymore then the responsibility shouldn’t fall 100% on me.
Should he get it done I will still stay in my contraception.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumma626 · 22/05/2019 13:13

My partner and I have 2 DS XXC

OP posts:

MayorPrentiss · 22/05/2019 13:14

YANBU - he doesn't want any more babies, he takes responsibility for that.

JacquesHammer · 22/05/2019 13:14

In this case YANBU.

He doesn’t want more children therefore he takes the more final step in preventing that. And acknowledges that no contraception is 100%.

Female sterilisation is more invasive and indeed in many areas much harder to access.

Given the fact you would like children, I don’t think it’s the route for you.

outsho · 22/05/2019 13:18

If hormonal contraception isn’t working for you and it’s him who is adamant he doesn’t want anymore children he should get the snip or use condoms.

SnowsInWater · 22/05/2019 13:39

He doesn't want babies, he has the snip. It is a much more straightforward procedure for him than you getting your tubes tied, DH has had the snip, no issues. DSis had her tubes tied, she says if she had realised what a big operation it was and the recovery time she would not have been so keen.

DareIAdmit · 22/05/2019 13:44

It will be a lot easier for him to get approval for the snip as well as it being a lot easier compared to the abdominal surgery you'd have to go through. If he doesn't want more kids it should be up to him to be responsible for his fertility. Sit down and have a proper discussion about contraceptive options.

duebaby2 · 22/05/2019 13:51

If he's done having kids he should be the one to make sure he can't produce anymore children. If you are not done having kids then you shouldn't be the one to sort it.

If you were to ever divorce and you'd be with someone else who didn't have children but wanted them, how awful would you feel knowing you couldn't give them a child because you'd got your tubes tied for your previous husband.

My partner and I are due our 2nd baby and what I said was when it's all done, I've lent my body to two children who I love dearly and put hormones in it to stop something natural and gone through nearly dying with one child, I don't think I should be the one to get tubes tied. He thought that was fair!

SheerBlonde · 22/05/2019 13:53

I had the snip and although scared of the procedure at first it was actually ok. The non-scapel method is one to look at and recovery time was only about 3 days for me. Felt pretty sick straight after was painkillers wore off but nothing some codeine didnt sort out. Well worth doing IMO and wait time was only about 6 weeks from initial GP appointment.

Summertimes123 · 24/05/2019 00:06

I brought up this topic with my DH the other day
I feel fairly awful on hormonal contraception . He doesn’t want more kids and I’ve taken the pill for years! - surely he can have the snip now? I know how you feel OP

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 24/05/2019 00:27

YANBU DH offered before I even had ds, on the basis that I've taken hormonal contraception for years and even in a worst case scenario he wouldn't want children with different mothers. We're still weighing up whether number two is on the cards or not, if we decide not he'll get the snip soon, if we do he'll do it straight after dc2. Neither of us ever wanted more than two. A friend of ours had it done last year, went in on Wednesday, back at work Monday, it's a minor procedure if he's sure he's done.

janetforpresident · 24/05/2019 00:32

How long have you been together? Would he really accuse you of trapping him if you feel pregnant? Are you really scared of his reaction if your (joint) choice of contraception failed?

These are red flags for me.

Aprillygirl · 24/05/2019 02:43

Yes it's time he took responsibility if he's adamant that he wants no more children. Him getting the snip is a much simpler procedure than you getting your tubes tied, and you were the one who went through the pain of childbirth twice for you both, so now it's time for him to stop being a selfish wuss and to do his bit.

PregnantSea · 24/05/2019 02:56

Don't get your tubes tied if there is any glimmer of a chance that you may want more children one day. Don't ever do something so permanent if you aren't 100% on it. Continue with hormonal contraception and if you accidentally fall pregnant then just deal with that at the time. He is the one who wants no more children. He knows hormonal contraception isn't 100% effective and he won't have the snip, so he is surely aware that pregnancy is a risk - albeit a small one. These decisions are part of being a sexually active adult. He is a grown up so should be able to deal with all of this.

Just talk to him and explain you're worried that he would mistake an accident for you trying to trap him. See what he says.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/05/2019 03:17

This very thing happened in our house. The phrase I used was "only an idiot would leave contraception up to the person who really wants another baby". He got the snip.

Like you I was worried about an accident seeming on purpose.

MinnieMountain · 24/05/2019 05:52

DH got asked if he was certain he wouldn't leave me for someone who can have more children (I'm on medication which causes birth defects).

Could you honestly answer yes?

MrsTP makes an excellent point.

OrdinaryGirl · 24/05/2019 06:15

In answer to your question, of course you can suggest the snip to him. 🤷🏼‍♀️
How long have you been together?

Have you considered a copper coil? No hormones and one of the most reliable forms of contraception out there.

Ayemama · 24/05/2019 06:22

I could have written this post the only difference is that the hormonal contraceptives don’t agree with me and he’s a bit of a prick when it comes to condoms. We have two kids and he has two older ones so says he definitely doesn’t want any more but refuses to get the snip even though pretty much everyone we know who’s had one advices them.
Keeps telling my to get my tubes tied but I refuse as it’s his choice to have no more.
I hope you get somewhere with your man but in my opinion you are definitely not being unreasonable.

blackcat86 · 24/05/2019 06:30

If you went to an appointment and honestly said there was even a slither of a possibility you may want another baby, I cant see that any decent doctor would put you forward for the procedure. I'm guessing that your DH wouldn't be happy at the idea of taking on all parenting and household duties whilst you recover from abdominal surgery. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. What a turn off. My therapist had an amazing phrase that a lot of women and up parenting other adults. Are you being expecting to parent your DH? Does he often behave in an immature way?

VikingVolva · 24/05/2019 06:39

"Don't get your tubes tied if there is any glimmer of a chance that you may want more children one day."

In which case vasectomy is also an unsuitable option.

End of the day, it is his body and his choice, and you are being unreasonable if you expect him to have an option eration to permanently,remove his fertility when he does not want that.

Talking to your partner about the best contraceptive choices from time to time is of course a sensible and reasonable thing to do.

But going on and on about it in the hope of eroding his bodily autonomy is very very unreasonable. Don't do that.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 24/05/2019 06:46

If he's the one who is desperate NOT to have more children, he needs to take responsibility. I'd be furious if my DP suggested I have invasive surgery for something he wants! I suggest having a frank conversation with him so he understands clearly that any contraception failure is down to him. Ask him why he won't have the snip. Is he keeping his options open if he meets some other person in future?! If so, tell him you want to do the same, see how he likes that!

pinkdelight · 24/05/2019 07:06

If he's the sort of guy who tells you to get your tubes tied and who you fear would think you'd 'trapped' him when you're already a family, there's no way he's gonna be nice and sensible and get the snip, sorry. Plus if you actually want another dc then it's odd for you to push him to have the snip. Your hormonal contraceptive will most likely work and if it fails then you get the dc you want and he gets the consequences of his actions. Just tell him that then stop mentioning snip and stop feeling scared. (I'd probably stop having sex with him personally as he sounds selfish and uncommitted but each to their own).

MinnieMountain · 24/05/2019 07:31

VikingVolva have you read the OP? The whole question revolves around the fact that her DP has said he doesn't want any more DC.

VikingVolva · 24/05/2019 08:20

Yes, of course I read it. And the subsequent posts, and responded to one of them. It is however als relevant to OP. She is open to the idea of more DC. So surgery to remove fertility for either of them sounds like a spectacularly bad plan.

If the relationship is on the rocks, and she is hoping (perhaps not overtly yet) that future DC may be with a different father, then it's really not on to be repeatedly asking current partner to have a permanent procedure when she might not want to be part of his future.

And if you are looking at actual stats of failure rates, Mirena is pretty much on a par with vasectomy. If you want him to take a share of contraception (not sterilisation) then he could use condoms too.

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