What's wrong with me

[Lilylauren98]

Hi,

I lost my dog of 16 years last January 2018. I naturally took this very badly. I'm 21 now but was only 19 then & could not remember or imagine a life without him. I think I have PTSD because of it. Since then I've been told I have fibromyalgia.

When we lost him I wanted to move out ASAP, so that I didn't have to be reminded of him at my parents home.

My boyfriend works further away than I do & goes to the gym every night after work. Which I have no issue with at all.

I just get extremely upset when I come home (everyday), to nobody & an empty house.

I guess I just want someone to greet me/someone to talk to when I get in.

It's not even like I'm alone for that long maybe an hour or more each evening... I don't see the point of being at home on my own?

I think I must have PTSD as everytime I think about this I have some sort of breakdown.

I really wanted to get a dog or something to fill this void. But we both work full time & are having work done on this house & about to sell it and move somewhere else. So now is not a good time.

What can I do to make myself feel better? I can listen to the radio or phone my parents however that doesn't change the fact that I am alone. I got to a fitness class 2 x a week & have been going for a year now & I really enjoy it.

I feel like as long as I keep myself busy I am OK.

Like yesterday I got in & just chilled on the sofa instead of cooking straight away. This gave me time to think about how alone I feel - not that I should as as I said this is only for an hour per day!!

But I felt this way ever since I lost my dog last year.

A few random thoughts:
it will get better, you just need to live through this period;
talk to your chap about getting another dog (a kitten transformed my life after my husband left me; if you love pets you should have them in your life);
re: loneliness, being by yourself. Do you like reading? A good book makes time pass very quickly. it's a quality escapism.
Good luck. Just don't think there is something "wrong with you" or that you are in some way defective.

Can you get a couple of rescue cats? You can keep them indoors and if there are two of them they won’t mind being left alone all day.

BloodyDisgace HermoineMarkepeace
Thank you for your messages. I've brought up getting a dog a few times when I've felt like this & he has always said if it makes you feel this bad then lets go for it. He even bought me a pet photoshoot gift voucher lol. We both agreed on April so I was sort of holding out until then. Then he backtracks & says he no longer wants one & obviously I have to respect that. Last night I had another breakdown about how lonely I feel with no one here & he then said it's not the right time, not that he never wants one. But he is never in the same situation where he comes home to an empty house, so struggles to understand how I feel.
I like cats too my parents have one. Except where we live is sooo busy I worry If it escaped or wanted to go out.

BloodyDisgrace
I love reading yes! I seem to waste my time when I'm alone & not read as if it's not valuable. Sorry to hear about your Husband. Kittens are so much fun.

Could you maybe volunteer to do some dog walking or help out at a local animal shelter after work?

I might be missing the point here, but could you arrange to see friends/workmates straight from work so that you get home after your boyfriend does, at least a couple of times a week?

You seem from your posts to be quite dependent - on your dog, your parents, and your boyfriend. I feel if you widened your social circle even a little bit, you might feel a bit happier.

You're clearly very low Lily. Have a look and see if you can self refer for counselling, or if you can't self refer make an appointment to see your GP.

A pet is a family member. Your grief reaction is understandable.

Picklypickles
Thank you that's a great idea & I would love to do that. However I recently had to give up my car & I only have my bike. The closest place is a few miles away.
HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo
Thanks for your message. Well I see my friends at lunch time, weekends etc. I go to the fitness class twice a week with my friend of ten years. I decided to do this to widen my social circle. It has helped massively. Not sure anyone would want to do anything straight after work. It's literally just the coming home to no one I struggle with. I would say I am quite dependent but it's frustrating as I don't want to be. Imagine coming home to nobody for over a year.
NoBaggyPants
Thanks for your message. I think that is a good idea. I feel as though there is a big void in my life that cannot be filled with life the way it is at the moment.

Ok, some other thoughts.
If your partner is not at home all work day evenings, then why would he object to a dog? he is not there to look after it anyway.
If he knows how lonely you feel because he is not there, why does he still go out every bloody evening?? Wouldn't he want to rush to you and do something together? ok, not every night, but some nights? Like, he knows how you feel yet does nothing to help. That's a bit worrying.

Ok, reading it is then :) You could have a list of books, so you know you won't be without a book. Or you could join a book club if there is one anywhere near. You could try do what your bf does: not come home until late. Go for a walk or to a cinema - again, if possible. Maybe my suggestions are all a bit towney, but a lot of people live in the country.

Then there is another one: how to train yourself to enjoy time alone. Is your house/flat nice? You could do some auto suggestion trick, like saying to yourself "How wonderful that I finished work! Now I will have some peace and quiet" or "The house is very cosy and lovely, I look forward to coming and having a nice cooked dinner". Think of the things you can do at home which you can anticipate and look forward to. Or think "wahay! I don't have 3 kids and don't have to do chores till I drop like a lot of people, I have time for myself. I'm lucky!" It's about "finding positives" and training your mind to stop anxiety about being alone.
Finally, if you tend to be easily upset, suffer from anxiety, cry easily, feel down, go to the doctor. You'd be surprised but pills do take the edge off things. Some people are helped by therapy too. Maybe there is something in your childhood/previous experience which makes you uncomfortable/unloved/anxious when you are alone?

Sorry if you said but how long are you alone each evening?

I think if it was me I'd naturally designate something I enjoy or want to do to each evening.

So x2 a week you have your exercise class.

Another night would be my pamper night so I'd put on my feel good music, run a bubble bath (do you have a bath?), light some candles, add some essential oils to my bath, face mask

Another night I would consider designating to popping to the shops for stuff I might need to top up on. I would walk there and back with my headphones so I can listen to music.

That leaves one night which could be chatting to family/friends. Finding another exercise class. Volunteering. Catching up on my favourite tv.

Not sure anyone would want to do anything straight after work.

It was my prime going-out time in my 20s! A few happy-hour drinks after work with friendly colleagues - awesome. Or a cheap dinner (Nando's, etc).

MirriVan Thanks for your message. I think you're right there. If I am in the company of someone I'm somehow distracted from my own feelings. What do you do with yourself during that time? Thank you.

BloodyDisgrace I don't know really I would primarily look after it anyway! If i'm there more of the time. I think having someone like a dog or even a child lol rely on me is what I miss most. But I don't think I'm mentally ready for a child! Yes it is every night... he would be home earlier than me if he missed the gym just once. He is going through his own issues at the moment with not liking the way he looks etc & telling me that I don't find him attractive which is just untrue. He's very supportive though.
I do have a list of books but when I get a naff one I get stuck on it for ages & then feel I have to finish it but can't bring myself to. I'm going to start training for a half marathon soon which will get me out of the house during this time so hopefully that helps.
I really like our little house, we've made alot of improvements to it, but it's nothing special & is in quite a busy area. I think when I feel low though I struggle to do things like put things back/tidy etc.
Thank you for all your advice I really appreciate it.

ThenOutCameTheSunshine

Thanks for your message. Yeah the thing is It's only an hour or two per night so it's not too bad. We do have a bath yeah, I used to line it with candles, read a book & have a tea or a glass of wine lol but for some reason I have stopped. Will need to get back into that.
I do pop to the shops on my way home probably once or twice a week. Yeah I think I will sign up for another class if I can. Thanks for your advice. xx

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo

It should be mine too I would love to do the same! But we live in such a small town it's just not the done thing.

What about some counselling. It could help your grief and any other issues .
A good councillor well worth a few sessions .
That would let you see your options .
Sometimes the local vets needs help at times with small animals.
Could you dog walk for others?
By the way sorry for your loss.

From a practical POV, if you're both out of the house a lot - work full time, him gymming, your exercise class and friends at weekends - then that's a lot of time for a dog to be left so the time might not be quite right for you yet. I think maybe looking at some counselling to pinpoint why coming home to an empty house is so hard for you, how you can move on from this particular phase of grief (as it sounds like you might have got 'stuck'?) may be helpful in the first instance. ThenOutCameTheSunshine has some great advice, which it sounds like you're amenable to so there's another approach.

It is hard, a dog is such a huge part of the family.

Could you look at this time to just to enjoy your own company? There are going to be times in your life when have to be content being alone. Use the time to reflect on your day, mediate, listen to a podcast. Before I had my baby I lived alone and I made myself really ill because I hated being alone so much but after some therapy I learned to embrace that time.

Cryalot2
Thanks for your message. I think I will have to speak to someone yes. I hadn't considered the vets, thank you - I might ring them & see.

TheTitOfTheIceberg
Thanks for your message. Yes I would not be comfortable to leave anyone at home all day. I can get home on my lunch break - or if I decided not to for some reason would hire a dog walker. Thank you. Yes they really are.

My partner didn't want a cat and I did. We compromised and got a cat 😂. He can home from work and she was there (although he wasn't officially living with me yet and it was my flat).

If he is a dog person do you think a surprise puppy would be a good gift for you him.

Sorry for the loss of your dog.

I am sorry for the loss of your dog. When my cat was ill and I knew he would be PTS I deleted all his photos from pet forums and my FB page so I wouldn't be reminded of him.

However, I left his bed, bowls and toys where they were because of things I believe, and they stayed there well after the allotted time, in fact until I was ready to move them. I chose the anniversary of the day he came to live with me.

After a couple of years of still automatically talking to him I still miss his physical presence and the cuddles but I feel that he is still with me somehow. Some of his things are still around the house, and I have happy memories of the time he was here with me.

Could you put a photo of him by your bed or where you sit and think of the times you were with him, happy times?

Maybe get a small pet if a dog or cat isn't acceptable?

TheTitOfTheIceberg
Thank you for your advice. I really enjoy podcasts. I just need to turn them on straight away. It's when I'm left alone with my thoughts it all goes wrong.
newnamewhothis
Hahaha! I love that approach :) Thank you x
Dontcallmeshitley
Thank you for advice. Sorry for your loss also. I think the main thing really is he was always so excited to see me when I came home haha. A love from your pets just cannot be compared to anything else.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My childhood dog also died when I was 19. Like you I couldn’t remember life before her, and I felt incredibly guilty about having left her and moved away to start university. My boyfriend at the time was sympathetic but didn’t really understand what I was going through. Looking back, I realise now that I became really depressed and it overshadowed almost a year. I also couldn’t bear to be alone in the house.

So don’t rush things, give yourself time to process, recover and miss your dog. If there is any way you could foster or pet-sit that might help - sometimes the physical contact is so comforting.

I read that the best way to honour the memory of a beloved pet is to get another one. So even if you can’t manage it now, look forward to the day you have another great dog. Getting my current dog was one of the best days of my life (and I have DC ).

Aimadre
Oh no I'm sorry for you also. I think I had a weird guilt complex like I didn't want to leave so long as he was alive & that then gave me the push to go. The first house we offered on we offered lower than the asking price the day it went on (also the day after he died) & we got accepted straight away. Took that as a sign it was the right time. Got out of my parents house as fast as I could & within 6 weeks!
Awh lovely thanks for your story & advice. I'd love to get a rescue dog if we can - I was hoping to adopt a greyhound.
I'm feeling much better today I really just have moments when I let it catch up with me.