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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m devastated, and angry but feeling like I’m being selfish

26 replies

Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 11:54

I have nc’d for this. Long story short, I’m in my mid 30’s and married with two DC. My DD had an EA (but with a woman he had an actual affair with over 30 years ago) my DM has said she is done. (To be fair I don’t blame her,) I’m obviously heartbroken and I’m finding it hard to process. My DD has always been a wonderful father and grandfather and I thought they were such a solid couple (and they were in MANY ways).
I am angry at him but he had nowhere to go so he is staying with me for the moment, and to be honest he is still my dad I do love him. I am starting now to feel angry, disappointed and that this is all a big inconvenience right now (I just don need all of this) I keep thinking of celebrations like Christmas and birthdays and if the rest of life is going to be awkward, I don’t want it! I refuse to have it that way! It’s very early days and my head is a mess, so please be gentle. Has anyone here been through a parental separation as an adult? Any advice?! Am I being selfish or are they normal thoughts??

OP posts:
spanishwife · 22/05/2019 12:01

They are normal thoughts, but they are the thoughts of fresh pain - in time, things will become more rational, more clear and less scary. You will start to feel less angry, less hurt.

Yes, it's an inconvenience and always will be, but not the end of the world. He can still be a great granddad, a great dad, just take it one day at a time.

Original poster
Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 12:22

Thanks Spanishwife, I just feel like my world has fallen apart and I want to throw a big tantrum 😭

OP posts:
Travis1 · 22/05/2019 12:28

I was mid 20's when my Dad left after an affair with a girl younger then me. I went NC because I couldn't stand his attitude or what he'd done. We might have recovered but the OW and her family set out to abuse me and my mum. Harassment in the street, posting my mums mobile number on FB you name it, they did it. I won't lie I said some awful things to them both as well but there was no way our relationship would recover(in part probably because he isn't my biological Dad)

Unfortunately my Mum then married a man who can only be described as an utter cunt. I let him get between us(or actually she did I suppose) and now I'm NC with her either.

I have cried lots of tears over them both in the last few years but I have my DH and we're happy.

I think if you can differentiate between your feelings over what he did and your feelings for your Dad you'll be ok. Is he receptive to conversations? Can you tell him how angry you feel about it all?

woodcutbirds · 22/05/2019 12:29

They are normal thoughts. It's also absolutely fine for you to realise you can't handle it and get him to move into a neutral space somewhere. You don't want to appear to e taking sides.

Original poster
Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 12:32

@Travis1 yes he is very receptive in fact it’s the opposite he keeps asking me to talk and say how I’m feeling but I just can’t right now. I feel like if I start I’ll never stop and the floodgates will burst as such 😢

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MatildaTheCat · 22/05/2019 13:15

I think having him to stay is a big problem here in terms of you processing the whole thing and trying to remain a good daughter to both parents. Encourage him to make other arrangements as soon as he can and maybe just tell him you don’t feel up to talking about it right now so please drop it?

Once he’s moved on you will be more able to establish new routines and things should settle gradually.

As for being angry, disappointed and inconvenienced YANBU. His infidelity has not only affected you DM but all of his wider family.

StormyLovesOdd · 22/05/2019 13:34

My parents separated and eventually divorced when I was in my mid 20's due to my DD's infedelity. How you are feeling is totally normal, you need to grieve for the life you thought you were going to have. It''ll all be fine eventually but it will take time to settle down.

If your DD has offered to move out take him up on it as him staying will only complicate things for you with your Mum.

I remember at the tine when my Mum first found out and kicked out my DD feeling like I just wanted to catch a train somewhere, anywhere to get away from them both, it was horrible at first so I know how you feel.

Original poster
Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 14:16

There’s not really anywhere else for him to go if I’m being honest. My DM is ok with me having him here she was happy that I was keeping an eye on him tbh. He is/was an alcoholic and she didn’t want him to relapse in any way (it’s been 30 years since he drank.
@StormyLovesOdd yes I just want to run away if I’m being honest 😭

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woodcutbirds · 22/05/2019 14:50

Of course there are other places he can go. You are not his parent. He can go back to the family home and sleep on the sofa while they sort things out.Unfair of your mother to be 'happy you are keeping an eye on him'. He's not your responsibility. Their histrionics are causing you undue distress. they need to sort them out between themselves. He needs to go home and if that can't work, they need to sell up and buy smaller places. It's cruel to turn you into the adult while they melodrama around like teenagers.

MirriVan · 22/05/2019 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user87382294757 · 22/05/2019 15:17

Yes, this is normal to feel like this, if you look online they call it ACOD - adult child of divorce. I too have it, and my dad moved to me also...it was not easy, he has since moved into sheltered accommodation. It is quite common to feel like this especially like they are leaning on you more and it is not easy.

user87382294757 · 22/05/2019 15:18

If he is 55 + he could get sheltered accommodation also perhaps.

MsPavlichenko · 22/05/2019 15:21

If there is no where else for him to go what are his long term plans?

Original poster
Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 15:22

@user87382294757 sheltered accommodation wouldn’t be an option, we are not in the uk. He probably earns too much and to be honest he would just go downhill in a place like that 😩 thank you for your ACOD Info

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Original poster
Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 15:24

@MsPavlichenko he does plan on getting his own place if possible but rent is extortionate here. He said my dm can have the house as no mortgage but they won’t sell as they won’t get a mortgage and wouldn’t have enough each to buy a new place outright each.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 22/05/2019 15:33

Again, " if possible" What are his long term plans? It looks like they involve living with you.

I'd be vary wary if I were you of allowing this to go on too long without asking him his plans. He, and your DM need to progress this. They may have to sell the house for example. I can see why it suits them both to have him there but not necessarily you.

MsPavlichenko · 22/05/2019 15:34

Also his sobriety is his responsibility. Not yours or your DM's.

Original poster
Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 15:40

@MsPavlichenko he can’t stay with me as I am actually currently moving and downsizing dramatically so staying indefinitely is not an option

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/05/2019 15:40

If he keeps asking you to talk, just tell him you can't because you're too disappointed in him right now.

Sorry you're going through this. Thanks

bridgetreilly · 22/05/2019 15:43

I am actually currently moving and downsizing dramatically so staying indefinitely is not an option

That's really good. Do not let him derail these plans at all. He needs to start being proactive in working out where he can move to.

It's perfectly reasonable for you to be upset and angry, and you definitely don't have to talk to him about that until or unless you want to.

Original poster
Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 15:54

@bridgetreilly those plans cannot be derailed as we have to be out of our current property in 3-4 weeks and if our house isn’t finished then we are actually staying I their house (dd&dm) That was the plan anyway. But hopefully he might have found somewhere by then.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 22/05/2019 16:11

I agree with those commenting that he shouldn't be living you .. does he assume this is a long term thing? if him living elsewhere is impossible then he's living with you and your family for life. Is your Mother and your DH really happy with this ? Flowers

KickAssAngel · 22/05/2019 16:25

Were the alcoholism and the first affair around the same time? Is there any danger that he is relapsing into drinking as well? If the two were connected, it could be a symptom of other problems for him as well.

Original poster
Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 16:40

@BumbleBeee69 not long term no. As I said upthread I am moving/downsizing soon.

@KickAssAngel the alcoholism was all through his teens to be fair and early 20’s (very much a functioning alcoholic) and yes the affair was one of his bad choices at that time. He is not drinking now no but psychologically not in a good place (the lady from the past contacted him on social media and again made some bad decisions to renew contact) there was no sexual contact (and I do believe that)but my mum is understandably not happy!

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Original poster
Fthisshite · 22/05/2019 16:46

@BumbleBeee69 also my Dh is working away at the moment but he is very understanding and doesn’t mind.

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