Men think the courts favour women, women think the courts favour men...

[bellamorella]

I've been doing a lot of reading after coming out of an abusive relationship and withholding contact with my son from my ex. Sometimes I read articles and forums and they would have me convinced that the courts will just go mad that I've withheld contact and will instate unsupervised contact regardless of safeguarding concerns, simply because they are pro 'contact at all costs'. I could then read other articles and forums and be completely convinced that emotional abuse is usually taken seriously and that the courts will trust I've done the right thing, and cafcass etc will have my son's best interests at heart. That my ex will likely get supervised contact and a fact finding will be done.

Is this a sign that our courts are not consistent? Do only people who have had 'bad' outcomes write online? Do I have any hope whatsoever of being taken seriously?

It's all based on evidence. I've suffered awful emotional AND physical abuse but my child has contact because no evidence, and its deemed in a childs best interest to have contact with both parents.

I imagine if you have no evidence they will take your concerns into account but you will still have to share your child. I had a contact centre for a year before unsupervised.

Good luck, best bet is to go through it and see the outcome of your own case instead of reading up on others because each is different.

Is this a sign that our courts are not consistent?

Of course they're not consistent. People are employed to make judgements in cases such as yours. What they say for you and your specific circumstances they may alter slightly for someone else's specific circumstances. No two cases are the exactly the same so no two cases can be compared exactly.

Best thing you can do is to stop reading every Google result, crack on with getting things sorted and make your personal case to the court. They will do what they feel is best, not for you, or for the father, they'll do it for the child.

Thanks @Brumbee6 - I'm keeping an open mind and admit I've probably done more reading than I should have, but it's interesting to read about. I do have a fair bit of evidence. I'm just not sure how seriously I'm going to be taken, regardless of the fact that one specific thing he did could be deemed to be extremely neglectful and abusive towards his child.

Just to add I did have evidence but it wasnt enough to stop overnight unsupervised from eventually happening. So I'm not being mean but courts will see you as being unreasonable if you cant back up your claims

If your case goes to court you need to just get on with it to be honest. Family courts are stressful and unpleasant for all involved. I can guarantee everything will be looked into appropriately but more than likely he will get some form of contact. You need to accept this, it's difficult but he will. If he is a genuinely unfit parent all you can do is record and gather evidence as times goes on to support your decisions.

I'm not asking for him to have no contact and am aware that he will have contact with his son. I've withheld contact at the moment as I can't just hand him over. It's not safe to do so. I want it to go through the system and be recorded.

Of course if and when it goes to court I'll just get on with it. That's my only choice isn't it?

How can you guarantee that everything will be looked in to appropriately? (Genuinely, I would like to know as I've heard this isn't always the case)

If you have genuine evidence doctors / police reports they will need disclosures. Social services / whatever. Cafcass will be enlisted to help with findings and visits. Decisions will be based on outcomes vs evidence. I would highly advise getting a solicitor

I'm just waiting for legal aid to go through so fingers crossed solicitor will be available soon.

Best bet is to get a GOOD solicitor, seek recommendations. Listen to their advice and dont do anything damaging to your case.

If you are local to Sheffield I can recommend a very good one.

How can you guarantee that everything will be looked in to appropriately? (Genuinely, I would like to know as I've heard this isn't always the case)

Not sure what you have heard - but you can expect an unbiased consideration of your case based on evidence and the law. A lot of people (on either "side") will feel they have not been properly heard - but there are limits to what a court can realistically consider.

You may wish to involve Social Services if you haven't already.

No process is perfect and the Court Process isn't immune from that.

Thank you @Brumbee6 - I'm not in Sheffield but the solicitor I've found is highly recommended and has specialised in family law and DV since the 1990s. Fingers crossed he's good.

Thanks @badlydrawnperson - SS have very briefly been involved. They didn't open a case as I have fled and my ex isn't deemed a threat. They stated that his behaviour would be deemed as enough for an investigation if he was living with us. They think I'm safeguarding him well enough which is good.

You will be interviewed by CAFCASS as part of the process - make sure you are clear about your concerns in terms of the safety of your child with the father when you talk to them. Also mention previous incidents. It is likely CAFCASS will be ordered to investigate further. They didn't in our case but we were not in your situation.

Yes a lot of it depends on evidence.

My ex received a criminal conviction for assault by beating and threats to kill towards me. Then within our family court hearing admitted 46 further serious allegations. He was ordered to do a course which he refused so judge made a no direct or indirect order, a prohibited steps order and attached a penal notice to it all.

Courts ONLY focus on the children but there's two big problems

A) at what point does a child's safety outweigh a child's right to knowing their parents and vice versa? If contact Can be made safe then 99% of the time it is awarded.

B) if you are saying the other person has been abusive then can you prove it? Most domestic violence by the nature of it has no evidence so then how do they know who is telling the truth?

It's the two big problems facing family courts and so many people within them lose sight of the fact it's about the children not the ex

And the other thing people don't realise is that if something isn't going to change the next steps then it won't be ordered..

Ie if there are domestic abuse allegations but contact has been withheld to the point a contact centre would be needed to establish contact then most the time they wouldn't investigate the allegations because it wouldn't change the fact a contact centre would be ordered so then people think it isn't being treated seriously

@Bugsymalonemumof2 sorry you went through that. It sounds awful.

My situation is difficult. I live a long way away from my ex. My son is 7 months old and breast fed. My ex can't cope with him, has admitted he's too angry to look after a child on his own (I have a message where he's said this), he cancelled my son's cardiology appointment to spite me, I have a list of other ways my ex had used my son to get to me.

This isn't about me vs him, it's about being scared my ex will be given unsupervised access to our small baby when I know that this isn't safe. It's eating me up just thinking about it.

@bellamorella

The best thing my solicitor advised was to have in mind an option on how to make contact suitable as 9 times out of 10 it is awarded. Most likely they will do a supervised contact set of sessions and the threshold of them being deemed good enough is pretty low but if you have someone willing to supervise after then that might be a good idea to suggest?

The problem is that when a ruling goes against what you want you can see bias where there is none hence both groups thinking the bias is against them. But judges are also individuals and whilst there's guidelines they do interpret them differently

Contact centres exist to ensure safety where there's any doubt or sometimes grandparents are given contact and technically the ones responsible with the parent having to have them present