Feeling aggrieved with MIL and FIL.

[Abi1967]

I'm feeling a bit aggrieved with my MIL and FIL.
MIL and FIL have a holiday home in Spain and DH and I were hoping to use it for 5 days over summer as they have always said we are more than welcome to use it. It had been agreed too for the past few months, however now MIL has now come back and said that we are not able to use it. I've booked flights for DH, DC and I. Turns out she has agreed to DH's younger brother and his DW to use it.

The flights etc are not a problem, it's just I wish they had said earlier, so we could have booked an alternative trip to elsewhere. The only reason DH wanted to go is because he hasn't seen the place and thought it would be nice not having to worry about the standard of accommodation and facilities available. Personally there are other places we would have loved to have visited.

I constantly feel as though I'm on the back foot. Little things over the years have been adding up and I just don't know what to do. I just feel/know that MIL doesn't like me, but DH says that it's all in my head.
However it's little things such as I never even get birthday cards or texts from any of his family and same at christmas as well, the only time MIL has afforded me a card was on one my big milestone birthdays. The only person who always gets me something is his grandma. However I've always sent cards and presents to everyone on DH's side of the family.

DH's younger brother and DW are always invited on family holidays, but I'm not. I might be being paranoid, but they always say oh you must be too busy. Last year and this year they took DH and DC skiing, but I couldn't go due to work commitments, not out of choice, they only offered set dates. Again, younger brother are always invited round for dinner etc, but I'm not. I'm from a different social background to them, they are all moneyed, however I came from a working class background, went to a red brick uni and worked my way up, so academically and employment wise, I have fared quite well in comparison. I don't know whether that bugs MIL or it makes her feel insecure.

FIL is quite lovely and I don't feel there is any issues with him, but MIL definitely calls the shots, so he always goes back on what he says/offers because of her.

Ultimately I just want a good relationship, because DC are beginning to notice that lots of family events are planned on days/evenings that I have work commitments.

I just feel left out, alone and tbh a bit jealous as well.

What has your dh said about this? If you were promised the place and now been told you can’t go, that’s really shit.

Well surely you come as a package?
So start reducing the time your DC and DH spend with them?
However it sounds as if your DH isn’t really bothered.
I would make it clear I was unimpressed with the holiday home booking and not accept anything from them again.

By DH not bothered I mean he’s not bothered that your excluded.

However I've always sent cards and presents to everyone on DH's side of the family.

Stop doing this - if your H isn't speaking up for you or is blithely assuming there's no issue, he can do it in future.

Otherwise you can't do much without getting him onside really.

YANBU its nasty to tell you that you can stay and wait til you've sorted out holiday and flights then revoke the offer

Can you speak to BIL about it and see if they have booked yet and ask them to change dates if not?

I'd be pissed off at your husband as well, this isn't little things - excluding you from a holiday, and giving your booking to someone else is fairly major and I think its rubbish he isn't standing up for you or at least acknowledging it

Forget the bitchy MIL it's your jackass of a husband I'd be pissed off over

They don’t remember you for any events, don’t send you cards or invitations to family jollies and yet you sort out cards and gifts for them.

What on earth for?

I’d stop remembering their birthdays and not bother about any kind of gift or card giving for themselves at all.

And refuse any offers from them for anything.

YANBU. We have a home in Spain for retirement and meantime we let family and close friends use it (free of charge, of course, as we don’t let it out). It’s not in a tourist area so people don’t go over very often. I would NEVER ask someone not to go after it had been arranged - in fact, last year we were looking at flights and found some really cheap ones, only problem being that there was an overlap with DDIL’s DM and DF going over. On the basis that they wanted a relaxing time and not to be there with other people, we just went the following week even though it cost about £300 more for flights.

They are completely out of order.

Changing the holiday is wrong and you are not bu to be pissed off about it. As for other things are you invited but cant go because of work commitments or are you not invited?

Why are you arranging all of the cards and presents for your DH's family? Is he not capable of doing this himself?

Clearly MiL is either forgetful or intentionally snubbing her other son. Has your DH raised this with her? He should be standing up for you.

Let DH be responsible for buying & sending cards/gifts to his family. It took me years to do this - after realising that as I did care about the non reciprocation/shit presents, I should stop making the effort and put the onus back on DH.

Not being invited on multi generational family holidays - you’ve dodged a bullet on this one, believe me! But I guess you need to experience one first before seeing the light.

If this is due to pure favouritism, you can’t change other people’s behaviour. Grin & bear while you distance yourself until you reach a place /time when you care less and it won’t bother you as much. This is how I/we cope with the increasingly insane behaviour of my MIL.

Your DH needs to sort this out. Tell him clearly it's a problem and ask him how he will fix it. Repeat until he has agreed and taken steps to back you up as he should do.

I’d be tempted to ask what dates the holiday house is available. Even if you can’t change your holiday dates, PIL don’t necessarily know that. I’d force their hand to admit they don’t want me using their house. Then I’d feel justified going LC