Aibu to the think male on female sexual harassment is worse that female on male, even if the act is the same?

[WillyNilly00]

Had a discussion with DH last night and he said that women are allowed to get away with sexual harassment. The specific hypothetical example we kept discussing was a person in a pub calling the person behind the bar "sexy" repeatedly.

We both agreed that this was obviously wrong but I feel that a man doing this to a woman is a worse person than a women who does it to a man, aibu to feel this way?

I don’t think YABU to feel that way. But I don’t know if you’re right or wrong.
I suppose rationally, you are wrong and it’s just as bad either way. But like you, I feel that it is slightly worse when it is a man is sexually harassing a woman than the other way around.
But - this is why I like threads like this. I like to keep an open mind and MN is brilliant, for the most part, in putting forward reasoned arguments so maybe we will change our minds after reading what others have to say.

YABU, it's the impact it has on the victim that matters not the sex of those involved.

You could argue that male-on-female harassment has a greater risk of turning physical, because the average man is stronger than the average woman, but otherwise I don't think it's automatically worse if it's a man harassing a woman than vice versa.

Yes, of course you are right. ffs, typical example of moral relativism and levelling everything. Don't even think of it, it's obvious, you are right.

In your example my gut feeling is both equal.

I think in general it's easier for women to feel intimidated, given the, again, general size and stature differences. Obviously, it depends on context. However, not pleasant behaviour from either perspective and should not be tolerated.

Well, it's more about power, isn't it? That's what makes the difference. So I suppose it could be just as bad, if it was a senior ranking board member (female) harassing a junior exec. Or a 30 year old female school teacher going after an 18 year old.

But in a more typical case, we're talking about a grope on the arse in a pub from a male 1ft. taller than you and built like a brick shit-house. And that's got to be worse than doing it the other way round, I think. So I kind of agree with you on that point.

It’s less likely that a female customer harassing a male barman will wait for him in the car park when he finishes work and rape him. So although in the other scenario the man saying “sexy” repeatedly might have no intention of doing anything else, how on earth can the woman know that.

Men have n general don’t fear sexual attack from women, so unwanted sexual attention won’t have the same impact.

The relativism doesn’t work because we’re not comparing like with like. Men and women are equal, but not the same, and don’t share the same experiences.

The behaviour in both situations is equally sleazy, but the impact on the victim is different.

I think the power dynamic of female customer harassing a male worker goes a certain way towards levelling it out but I still think the impact would be worse on a female bartender.

If the act is actually equal then it is equally bad. It's very unlikely that the act will be identical though. In the example the words are the same, but the act is more than words. The physicality of leaning in; relative difference in sizes; psychology of victim and harrasser.

YABU, it's the impact it has on the victim that matters not the sex of those involved.

You could argue that male-on-female harassment has a greater risk of turning physical, because the average man is stronger than the average woman, but otherwise I don't think it's automatically worse if it's a man harassing a woman than vice versa.

This explanation is spot on, thankyou

The impact is generally worse but men and women should still be held to the same standards of behaviour.

Actually, I'm not sure you're 100% right on this. Think about it this way - if it was your (just an example) 18-year-old son behind the bar. If they were not the most confident of a person, and didn't actually encourage that kind of behaviour, would you think it was OK for them to be treated in that way and then their feelings disregarded because they're male?

I'm not saying that the chances of them getting sexually assaulted are the same, because in all honestly, they're probably not, but it's still not an experience anybody of any sex should have to put up with and shouldn't be tolerated either, should it?

would you think it was OK for them to be treated in that way and then their feelings disregarded because they're male?

No one is saying it is ok, it isn't, it isn't ok for anyone to be subjected to this kind of behaviour, however because of the risk of physical assault it is potentially far more harmful for women.

Thank you so much for your responses- you are all so much more eloquent than me!
@Drivemecrazy1974 it would definitely not be okay, giving persistent unwanted "compliments" especially of a sexual nature is always wrong and harassment.

Also the point @Hereward1332 makes was exactly the one that I kept going back to, the act cannot be the same when the gender is reversed, it's different.

Any harassment equally wrong and unacceptable but it’s not equivalent. The man doesn’t need to fear gang rape for example. Men are stronger and have a whole massive industry (porn) dedicated to visualising sexual violence against women not the other way round

The difference is that male-on-female harassment is systemic, whereas female-on-male harassment are one-off instances. How much the men in our environment find us sexually appealig ties directly into our earning potential and is more often than not always beneath the surface, even for jobs that require other skills and experiences than being good looking.
It also has a big impact on our social circles and our physical safety.

So a man making overt, what is nearly always there packs more of a punch than a woman doing it to a man. Because she will not likely be the person hiring him, raping him or including/excluding him from social circles and participation in society.

Eventhough focussing solely on someone's appearance is toxic either way, society allows men to brush it off way more easily than it allows women to do so.