I have incompatibility with me boyfriend (no children), I guess. He is wonderful in many ways, but being with him is starting to annoy me and wear me down. I’d like you opinions whether I am BU, am I cruel, selfish? The issue revolves around how much time we spend together as a live-together couple.
- I attend a sport group 2 times per week – we have around two hours to spend time together on these days (before going to sleep).
- I attend sport events with that group roughly around once per 2 months. This is usually half a weekend day. He oftentimes comes , too, to watch me.
- I see my friends roughly once per month, usually just one evening like 4-5 hours or so.
- I have mandatory work trips twice per year, 3-4 days each.
- I go to my hometown for 4-5 days alone, it’s a long drive, (during work week, trying to skip the weekend to spend time with my boyfriend) to spend time with my mom and childhood female friends. Would love to do it more often, but he would hate it.
- I also do things at home, which involve just me, but I try to include him as much as possible, but these are somewhat like everyday stuff – doing my nails (while being able to talk to him at the time), doing some DIY projects (trying to include him also as much as possible), rarely taking some short online course (keeping him also included as much as possible, i.e. discussing with him what I learn and asking for help etc) – anyway I try to include him also in things so he would not feel left out; sometimes reading a book or scrolling through web or whatever.
We go out every weekend basically – to a museum, event, or just for a stroll around the block – these are things he is most interested in and shows his initiative. Sometimes we do something during work week alos. We watch tv together, read news together and discuss these, we share our daily news every day. However, much of the time goes by watching TV (I have suggested numerous other activities, but if I do not keep the other activities up, these just fade out), or him talking and talking and talking about whatever comes into his mind. He cannot keep any thought to himself, he basically just wants to comment on everything, tell his opinion about everything, share everything he has read etc. I love it, but it gets very tiring.
AIBU to think that I spend enough time with him? AIBU to think it would be OK to want some totally alone time, too (e.g. spending time alone at home or just going for a walk alone or just sitting somewhere alone)?
Basically, I NEED alone time. Sport group is not alone time, because I’m with other people. In ideal world, I’d like peace and quiet at home, without him being there. But as he won’t basically go out alone without me, my other option is to go outside for a walk or something like this myself. I tried it recently, he freaked out. I'm already dying inside, tbh, 9 months with only a few occasions of being able to be home alone (which involved freaking out).
He does not hang out with his few friends, he is reluctant to find some hobby (he is rather anxious and insecure, he has said he’d like to, but refuses any support, help or suggestions and leaves the idea). He has had the issue that I do not spend enough time with him from the beginning. It has improved lately, he is somewhat OK with all my activities now (at least he does not show much passive-aggressive behaviour, whining and sulking).
However, since moving in together (9 months ago), I desperately need the totally alone time. We have discussed it, he seems to understand, but it is not happening on his initiative and I actually feel really bad saying it to him. I have tried different approaches but every time he kind of freaks out and makes me feel so uncomfortable continuing this approach.
And I actually have started thinking that I just overreact, my need is totally unreasonable and indeed I put him “last” (he has hinted it’s how he feels), because everything else is planned – my work trips are scheduled months in advance, our meetings with friends are usually scheduled like month prior because everyone is busy so we need to put it in calendars in advance, the sport events are on certain dates thus planned. So the time left is for him. I get how he feels like I do not prioritise him, but at the same time as he is not doing anything else but go to work and then watch TV at home waiting for me to go out with or talk to or do other interesting stuff, I do not see how should I prioritise him. I also discuss my plans with him, if we have planned something, then it is rock solid that I would not put something else there.
Anyway, adding my need to be alone (I just feel how I’m just getting more tired and tired of just being with him, he is talking so much etc) to this, I feel like I am being unreasonable and cruel to him. But I just need it. I need some peace and quiet. But this again means that he has more free time he needs to occupy somehow. I love to spend time with him, I do, but I guess it’s less than he expects. Is it really going to break us up?