To ask how to learn to say no when I keep saying yes!

[Afternooninthepark]

I have been a yes person for most of my life. I somehow have had this notion from early on in my life that if you say no to people you will loss friends etc.
A classic example over the last few years has been a friend of mine. Our oldest dc are the same age (13), My youngest is 11, her youngest is 9 and they go to the same school.
My friend has a hectic social life, mainly based around her work and a particular sport her family all play. Over the years, when her youngest was small, she would regularly dump her off for me to mind whilst my friend could go off, child free to persue her hobby.
So, I decided a year or two ago to say no more often as the childminding was becoming too regular for my liking and I did feel like I was being taken advantage of. However, I really hated saying no as I felt guilty.
Yet, here I am again agreeing to have her dd over tomorrow morning before school, I will then have to take her to school (even though I am not going down to the school this week as my dc is on a week long school trip). She is fully aware that I was not going to the school this week but is more than happy to dump her child off so she can go on her works’ day trip.
I am not annoyed with her, I am bloody pissed off with myself that I just can’t say no to people.
How do you say no without the heavy weight of guilt stamping on your shoulders??

If you can’t say no then don’t reply to her texts / take her calls / open the door or take her calls when she arrives. If she asks where you were say you were out. Do this enough and she’ll get the message.

But honestly just say it. Text it even. No. It’s an answer in itself and doesn’t require a further explanation so just keep saying no if she keeps pushing you for an answer.

I honestly have never said yes to something like this when I didn’t want to. Very few people have ever asked, the ones who did we’re fine when I said no and are still my friends.

She is taking the total piss. Do you not feel angry at her for making you do the school run when you don’t have to? Channel that anger! Text back now and say no!

Why should you feel guilty when your friend is obviously taking you for a ride? I doubt she feels a shred of guilt when asking you to take her kids. She's come to expect that you will be there at all times to pander to her needs. You simply need to say 'no, it doesn't suit', and do not explain further. If you start to say I can't do it tomorrow, she'll just ask you to do it the following day and so on. So you could actually text her now and say, 'friend, I completely forgot that dc is not in school this week when I said I'd take your dc tomorrow morning. So it doesn't suit me to have your dc'. If she comes back and asks you to take the child regardless, just say 'no, it doesn't suit'. No apologies either. Do it now, and don't be feel guilty. No doubt she'll have some other mug she will dump her child on. In any case it's not your responsibility to see to her kids.

You just send a nice text to say that your own Dc is on a trip all week and that you won't be going in so it won't be possible.

You are right that it is more your issue that hers. You could take the view that how could she know you don't want to unless you refuse when that's the case.

It's a pity, as mumsnet is full of threads from people who resent other people because they can't tell them what they do or don't want. At least you've identified this so it's just a case of taking the next step.

The world won't fall in because you say no. Actually, you could go one further and just say it's becoming less convenient these days, so probably better she starts to look for alternatives. Is your child due a school move soon?

And @fedup21 is right. You'll attract pisstakers if you don't learn to manage your boundaries better.

But don't beat yourself up, many of us have been there and had to go through this learning. It's quite liberating once you do.

OP, if you actually want to change this there's some excellent CBT based self-help stuff here: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

Particularly Module 3 which is about learning how to think more assertively, and Module 4 which has practical tips for how to behave more assertively.

Thanks. That’s the kick up the arse that I need.
Riverislands yes, my dc is going up to secondary school in September but we are friends outside of school so she will still ask. In the past dh and I have regularly looked after her dc whilst her and her dh have perused their hobby, that has pissed off dh no end!
parpsqueak thanks, I will take a look.