Potential spoilt child?

[BurjKha]

Hello everyone,

Hoping to seek some opinions as I don't know if I'm being a bit sensitive or if I'm being awkward.

My child's birthday is coming up soon. I told his grandma/my MIL the main thing I was going to buy him and she decided to buy it "for her house".

I went back to the drawing board and suggested something else. She sent me links to view the item. I said I wasn't keen on that particular one. Yesterday we bought the one we liked and when we went to see her she said "I've already bought the other one that I suggested".

It always happens. Everything I buy him, she buys the same or a better version of it and it's really getting to me. Even when I don't buy him stuff, she has a new toy for him every week!

Mainly because I don't want my child being completely spoiled and expecting to have two of everything and secondly, I'm worried the stuff I buy isn't "special". As he will have another at his grandparents!

Am I being stupid??

Stop telling her what your going to buy for a start.

I don’t think you’re being stupid, but I don’t think your item will feel less special. I think your son will just find it a bit boring that he gets duplicate presents!

I would stop telling your MIL what you’re getting him. Either keep it vague or only tell her about smaller presents you’ve bought.

Yes, why tell her anything that you are buying?

Mrs Fox has it nailed.

Also, don’t compete. Grandparents and parents are very different. Having exciting stuff there is great, especially the noisy irritating ones. It’s not a competition for your child’s approval, don’t let it turn into that. He can have great things at grandmas and not link it back to home. It’s you that is doing that, not your child.

I know that now.. I suppose just in conversation when she asks, I tell.

Even stuff I've bought already, she she's at ours and then buys her own version.

Does it matter if he has stuff he likes in both houses?

Do you have an issue with your MIL?

Tell her something different! Use it to your advantage- usually I see a few big things I’d like to get my DC, so just tell her one thing off the list then you get to go for the one you really wanted, and DC has a great birthday!

Next time she asks, say "Why? So that you can buy one too like last time?"

Just say, "Oh I don't know yet" whenever she asks.

I guess your DC is a baby/toddler who won't care less

Sorry everyone for the lack of response!

I understand moving forward to not say in advance what I will be buying however I don't think this will stop the issue.

My main problem is the constant buying of things for him. He's going to just expect more and more

I see your point .
Difficult , but could your partner have a word and say something along the lines that no weekly gifts, just special occasion?

Your child and your rights as to how you want brought up.

As the toys your MIL buys are kept at her house, I don't really see how it will spoil your child. All they will learn is that grandma's things must stay at grandma's house. After all, they aren't your child's toys if they don't get to take them home - no matter how much they play with the toys at grandma's house. (Plus, if they get something the same at home, it will be extra special because it really is "their" own toy.) x

I’d start mentioning really expensive stuff and/or very noisy things. Bet she stops after a while.

Can’t you engineer it so that she buys what you want her to buy, by just making stuff up about what you are planning? It could work in your favour, especially if she’s buying expensive stuff that you wouldn’t want him playing with all the time.

My ex mil always buys a ridiculous amount of presents on birthday and Xmas. To the point my son gets bored opening them.
I'm taking 3 full black bags.
Half of it ends up in charity shops unopened.
She seems to buy for sake of it as loves to spoil.
One year I was really hurt as he did mention nan always has more presents from santa than you.
But I pointed out but the presents at our house are the ones you've been asking for all year and can use every day. Can you name me 10 things from nans last time?
He couldn't

I think it would be perfectly ok to have a conversation with her saying you're trying to reduce how much 'stuff' your child has, and ask her to reduce it. Be honest about not wanting him to grow up spoiled.

I had to ask MIL years ago not to bring a gift each time she visited (it was a few times weekly, not once a year) because I was horrified the then-4-year-old DS shout gleefully "Nanna's heeeeeere with presents for meeeeee". It was all he wanted to see her for.

I would find this really annoying too OP.

However, in answer to your specific question about whether this will make him spoilt, I don't believe it will. You have by far the biggest influence on him; if you teach him about the value of money then I don't think his grandparents over-indulging him a bit will make a huge difference.

I'd say you're stuck between a drum kit and a violin

My MIL did this with DD1 (first GC) and I fear that despite our best efforts it has had an impact. She can be a bit grasping and isn’t that grateful if she gets a present. When DD was 6 I had a word with MIL and the result is that DD2 is far more easily pleased as she never had the gift avalanche

Let her get the things that need batteries or make a noise.
Recorder and mouth organ, to go with the violin and drumkit?!

Tell her you bying your DC a new BMW.....

I think maybe it would be nice for your son to have a ‘collection’ of toys he only has at his grandmas house, so everything he has at yours I s everyday yet at grandmas maybe he has a train set, or big Lego collection - something that only grandma buys and keeps at hers.
That way the ‘competition’ ends your son has special toys at each house and you can buy him things he enjoys knowing grandma won’t be she will be buying him the next myear del or something.

I don’t think it’s a case of spoiling a child it’s more the way a child might start to take it for granted although as my children didn’t have grandparents as such I do envy you.

Children don’t get spoilt by things, they get spoilt by attitudes. He could have Hamleys in his bedroom and still be a lovely kind little chap.

Can you suggest that you are getting a season ticket to a local attraction / farm park / whatever ?

Or say you were hoping to get them something like a climbing frame or swings for your garden but they are a bit expensive, and does she fancy going halves?

It is fairly natural and common for Grandparents to want to get their grandchildren treats and sort of goes with the job description that they spoil them. Grandparents tend to have the disposable income they never had when their dc were little, and want to 'make up for it' a bit now they can. Don't try to complete - get something different (like the season ticket suggested) or get them bits to unwrap and put the money in a savings account or premium bonds for them.
They won't have a clue when they are older who got them what when they were little, but they will be very pleased with a nice wad of cash for driving lessons or what-have-you.