AIBU to not agree to do this?

[YetIWill]

Background: 2 of DH's sisters have daughters in the same class as DS. They and their husbands all work full time; I work part-time (DH full time). I can set my own hours, up to a point, so I can do drop-offs and pick ups for DS.

The cousins go to day care each afternoon- they are picked up by the daycare place from preschool. I fairly regularly mind them, though, on random preschool days off, or if one of them is ill etc.

So the dilemma: Preschool has a "Play With Me" day coming up - basically, at pick-up time you stay with your child and do an activity for half an hour. This one is pottery painting, and DS is really excited about it - he wants to make a present for my dad's birthday and has it all planned out.

DNeices' daycare have said they can pick them up half an hour late, but obviously the preschool need someone to stay while they do the activity. SILs have been hinting that I can supervise them, and telling me how much their daughters want to do it.

I just don't want to be responsible for 3 of them, though. It will mean I won't have as much time to help DS; at previous sessions it has been really good 1-on-1 time with him, and he's been excited to show me round his classroom, and all the displays etc. I want to have that this time as well, and I wouldn't get it if I'm helping 3 of them.

AIBU to say no to also supervising the other two? I know they want to do it, but I feel like that's not my problem. Any of their parents could take a half day to come, if they wanted to, but they've all chosen not to.

So they exclude your DS when they have get together as / play dates but use him as a babysitting tool and you as a babysitter when they need to?

Why do you even take care of their children ‘regularly’ when they behave like this?

I would stop the childcare. You work part time to take care of your own children, not to facilitate their full time careers.

And definitely say no to the pottery class, sounds like a slippery slope to other requests.

Ignore all hinting until someone actually asks. If they don't ask you're off the hook. If they do say 'No ds and I are both looking forward to the 1-1 time' and leave it at that.

I have nephews and i same age as my DS and I would do it without hesitation. I would sit all 3 of them together and help them. It wouldn’t occur to me that it should be an issue. He can still show you the classroom as I am sure the kids won’t stick to their parent.

I would do it but I would make sure we were all sat together on one table so I didn't have to flit from one to the other.
I love looking after my niece & nephew though and regularly have them at mine during the school holidays so for me this would be a lovely treat.

It's ok to not want to do it though OP. Just say no you want 1 to1 time with your son.

Nope.
The point is for the children to have their parent there to help them and to do an activity together - if their parent can't be arsed to take time to do it, then they go to after school care at normal time.
You don't have to supervise them, it's not your role and they don't need to do the activity if their own parents can't make the time.

Would they do it for your DS? Doubt it, so there's really no obligation for you to do it for theirs. Not in a "tit for tat" way, but because you're part time working, you will always be seen as the default position - and that's not something you want to get into, as it will become harder and harder to get out of the more you do it.

I think these parents need to learn to prioritise their children. Their children don't want to be pasted on to their Aunty, they want their parents to come and spend time with them in their space, doing things with them.

I don't think you should feel obliged to do this, and you should say no guilt-free if they actually ask (ignore it while it stays at just hinting).

All the judgement on parents who work full-time on this thread is gross, though.

The whole point of the session is to get adults interacting with and playing with their own children! A depressing number of adults don't know how to or won't - so there is a lot of focus in (good) preschool age family sessions on activities that their parent/guardian needs to interact and help a bit with. It's not for farming out to other people, that's NOT the purpose of the session.

I'd draw a hard line, particularly given what you've said about them. And don't you dare feel one iota of guilt. Their children are not your responsibility (again, especially when the purpose of the session is to get THEM to interact with their own children!!!)

I think it’s going to be too much anyway with 3 x 3/4 year olds and a younger sibling. How will you supervise your dd while helping the 3 of them out? She could get into all sorts of mischief while your back is turned - I assume she won’t be painting but could cause havoc. You can use that as your get out clause - perhaps discuss it with preschool?

If they haven't asked straight out then just ignore the hinting. If they ask straight out then tell them it's a one to one playtime so you wouldn't be able to share out your time to enable all three kids to make something. Or just be vague and say it'll be enough to keep an eye on Ds trying to make something and laugh it off as if you don't think they are serious.

Yanbu.

I bet they knew about this activity and chose not to check to see if they could do a half day but expected you to pick up their slack. I have two children myself, the oldest being four and in nursery 5 days a week. He rarely gets 1-1 time with me unless I’m reading for bedtime.

Yes, they are your nieces but they both have parents who could be there and it is up to their parents to explain why they can’t go. It wouldn’t be fair for your son to miss out on the time with you because you’re trying to supervise his cousins as well. If the parents want them to go, they should be taking them or pay someone else to supervise them.

I’d do it, because they’re family, because I love my nephews and I enjoy spending time with them. But I suppose it depends whether you feel that their parents are taking advantage? I know you say they only reciprocate when it suits them, but do you sometimes have them over to you?

No way would I do this.

They deliberately leave your DS out of play dates until they deem it necessary to include him. That’s not fair.

Ignore the hints and enjoy your time with DS

So out of 6 adult parents, you are the only one that will be there to do this activity with your DC. Don't be the unpaid doormat while they climb their career ladders. Hell no.

of course YANBU at all!

You chose to take a pay cut and work part time, they chose to work full time - fine, but they can't have it both ways. They can take half a day off if it's important to them (and it should be).

You won't be available enough for any of the kids, so the whole thing would become pretty pointless.

Ignore the hints, and if someone asks say that 3 kids is too much.

Since when is it a problem for a mother to spend a bit of time with her own child! It doesn't matter if other people would do it, you are perfectly entitled to a bit of quality time with your child.

I don’t live close enough to my nieces and nephews to see this as an issue. I would love to spend a morning painting pottery with all 7 of them! I see this is different though, especially if babysitting etc is not reciprocated.
I might have missed a post, but has the OP said that the other adults are all able to take annual leave like this? DH and I certainly couldn’t - yes our choice to maintain our careers but it’s not always possible for people to take annual leave as many posters seem to suggest.

Yanbu. It is time to spend doing an activity with your child. Half an hour is not long enough to help 3 children with a craft project.

Just to clarify, of their 4 parents there is 1 BIL who can't really take an afternoon off unless it's a real emergency, but the others do have that option. Likewise, all but 1 of them have the option of going part-time, but choose not to. Absolutely fine, but I don't want to constantly be roped into things that they'd like their kids to do.

As someone said, if they had tried to get a day off and couldn't, or even if they couldn't afford to take the time off, I'd be happier to help out, but they just don't see this as worth using annual leave for, so they haven't tried.

And I know they'll have to explain to their DDs why they any go, but I'll have to explain to my DCs why they can't go on big fancy holidays like their cousins.

And I know they'll have to explain to their DDs why they any go, but I'll have to explain to my DCs why they can't go on big fancy holidays like their cousins.

I couldn’t see if you’d answered this but what is your DH’s view in this-does he support you in not wanting to do it?

Good on him if so.

That’s the point isn’t it really? Well done for not being a total doormat.

You potentially have years of this to contend with, and trust me it is likely to get much worse. Better to deal with this now.

They want all the benefits of the extra income without any of the drawbacks by using people like you to pick up the slack, life doesn't work like that.

You have made a financial decision to work part time to be with your own kids-not as free childcare for other members of the family.

This. 100%. If you work, you have more money but less time with your children. If you don’t, you have less money but are available for school events etc.

I dint think that inviting your ds when they other niece isn’t available because it’s easier is a joke.
It IS easier when you have two kids playing together.

Which then tells you a lot about how they see your relationship with you. It’s very much one way.

I would tell them the truth. That ds has planned a whole lot of things to do because it’s for his dad’s birthday.
Say how excited and proud you are that your ds is planning ahead for gift like this. And how much you are looking forward to it.
If they do ask rather than hint, then tell them you will already have your hands full helping ds and looking after your dd.

The reality is that it’s not important enough for them to take time off for that. But that they mist have two children going in about the pottery and how they wouod love to go.
Unfortunately, you can’t always do everything....

Just say NO op xx

Best advice of the thread right here @notoafternoontea
The only thing that's unreasonable here is all this hinting!

It's very simple. "Sorry DSILs, if you're after me supervising DNs at the Play With Me session I won't be able to. DS wants to make a present for my Dad and we've talked about it lots. It's only half an hour, and I won't be able to help him and yours too."

You sound like a very obliging person but unfortunately this can be taken advantage of.
Some mother's, only some, have very little compunction about using the sahm's of their children's friends or classmates/family as if this is just another convenient childcare resource.
I certainly have never entertained it.
Fortunately they are easy to spot!

Definitely have a rethink about how obliging you are and enjoy your 1 on 1 session with your son.
You'd be very surprised how clearly children remember moments like those in my experience.