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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be rethinking my 3 year relationship as he never told me he had kids.

412 replies

PenelopeDelph · 20/05/2019 01:15

New account for this as v v outing but need to rant. I'm 33 and he's 45. We've been together 2 years. I knew he was married in his 20s and got divorced at 35 but he has never mentioned his kids before now. Both of his parents are dead and he doesn't have anything to do with the rest of his family either. We had our DD 6 months ago and recently moved into a new flat and have been talking about getting engaged.

On Friday I was suspicious as he told me he was at work in another city (he is a self employed handyman) but got a text from my friend who works at a hospital in our city saying she'd bumped into him in the car park and he'd told her he'd just given an elderly woman a lift to A and E after she fell over. I phoned him to ask why he was still in our city when he'd left for work hours ago and he told me he'd explain when he got home (which was 2 hours later). The sod had me worrying for hours thinking he was ill and hadn't told me.

So he gets home and tells me to sit down and I was feeling sick with worry expecting him to say he had cancer or something horrible. He ends up blurting out he has 3 sons from his previous marriage who he didn't see for years because of conflict with his ex wife but has been building bridges with them the past few months ever since he discovered his eldest's girlfriend was having a baby. They are 21, 18, and 16. He said he didn't want to tell me as they resented him for a while over having no contact and weren't happy to hear he'd had a new baby with a younger woman. But said that he'd always intended to tell me soon. Not sure I believe that. Anyway so half the time when he's been at "work" he's actually been spending time at the pub with his sons and even helping his eldest do up his baby's nursery. Which would be lovely if only I had known about it! He says they are all a lot closer now.

On Friday eldest's girlfriend had a baby girl and my partner was at the maternity ward paying them a visit. Apparently his ex wife was there as well and while I don't feel threatened by her I find it disheartening that he'd told me he was at work while he was at the hospital with her meeting their lovely new grandchild. All while I was at home with my daughter. I feel exlcuded and an absolute mug. Me and DD went to stay with my mum after he told me as I was fuming. We came back today and it has been tense to say the least. I lost my shit when I saw he'd packed all of DD's old baby clothes up to pop round to his son as I had intended to give them to my friend. Another huge row happened and I haven't seen him since. I reckon he's at his eldest's house.

I just feel like me and my DD have been so excluded and disregared. It's great that he's trying to make it up to his son's for not being part of their lives but he should have told me, surely? It's like he wants to keep them and us in two separate boxes because they resent us after he didn't see them for years and had a baby with me. Which infuriates me because it's his fucking fault, not mine and DD's. I'm very hurt and angry by it all and I'm not sure what to do next.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 20/05/2019 07:36

It's the lies. Sorry op. Take your time, he has, just let the shock subside.
I could get over the kids and accommodate their presence, but not the lies. Only you can decide.
Forgive!? He'd be under manners for a long time building trust back

adaline · 20/05/2019 07:37

@silvercuckoo they're engaged and have a child!! It's hardly "not serious" is it?!

Please don't try and excuse his shit behaviour.

NurseButtercup · 20/05/2019 07:37

If you didn't have a child with him I'd be chiming in with the LTB response. The depth of his dishonesty is truly unbelievable.

I suggest you demand to be introduced to his children and new grandchild. Your relationship can only work if everyone knows about each other and is given the opportunity to speak to one another and ask questions. His response and action to this request will help you to decide your next steps.

Good luck Flowers

EvaHarknessRose · 20/05/2019 07:38

If you knew when you met him that he didn’t see his children, would you have done a Sarah’s Law request to find out if he had any convictions for dv before the relationship got serious? It does seem alarming how he has compartmentalised things, and seems to intend to keep it that way.

MonnieMoo · 20/05/2019 07:38

I have a feeling this is going to get worse rather than better.. to be able to deceive on that scale is just mind boggling and there will be more lies to unearth, this won’t be all there is. My heart breaks for you OP Flowers

Are you secure with regards to money & your home? Please start to protect yourself, you don’t know where this could end up going :(

adaline · 20/05/2019 07:40

And please please don't stay with him.

I know he's the father of your child but you're never going to be able to trust him after such a huge deception. Don't waste your life with such a deadbeat - he's not worth you, and all you're going to do is spend the rest of the life worrying about whether he's lying to you or not.

From someone whose been there - run. Have contact for DD's sake, but otherwise? Go and make a better life for yourself that doesn't involve a pathological liar.

lyralalala · 20/05/2019 07:40

I wouldn't be able to forgive that. Every conversation about your pregnancy and DD he failed to mention he'd done it before. Every Christmas he never mentioned his kids, or a happy memory when they were little.

He never even slipped up once in 3 years - that means he was either being careful with every single conversation so you don't know him or he didn't even think of his kids once which also means you don't know him.

He's clearly a skilled liar between not mentioning the kids and then rebuilding his relationship with them and not mentioning it. That would make me struggle ot believe him if he told me what day it was.

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you and your DD come through this well. Good luck.

ImNotNigel · 20/05/2019 07:40

I can understand that from experiences he may have had with his Ex he chose to back out of his 3 other children's lives until they were adults

Seriously ??? You think it’s ok to abandon your three children of 6,8 and 11 because it’s tough dealing with your ex????

How exactly would society work if mothers did this too? Who would bring up the one third / half of all children whose parents had left them in state care because they didn’t want them anymore ?

Or is it just men who get to walk away from all the work and financial responsibility and then float back in when parenthood is all about going to the pub and giving baby clothes which you didn’t buy?

I am gobsmacked that this man has done this to his three children and now there’s someone on MN defending it .

And, like a PP, I’m wondering what else he’s lied about to the Op about. Like when he and his ex actually split up and what other children he might have with other women. Or if he’s actually divorced at all.

And why he doesn’t see any of his family .

I’d certainly be online now searching for his marriage and divorce certificates. And the Bc for this children. And searching for any other children. And checking out social media.

Chocolateychocolate · 20/05/2019 07:41

I've not read the whole thread, but just the title was enough to tell me he was bad news....do you not think??

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 20/05/2019 07:42

I think I would insist on a meeting with his sons, mainly so I could check out if the story is the truth or not. If he refuses then I think it's likely that you have been told a pack of lies. He could have been living a double life all along. Could you spend a few days with your family to give yourself space to think?

Outanabout · 20/05/2019 07:43

HRTFT but I must be the most suspicious person ever (because of experience) because my first thought kneading the op was "BS, that's his own baby he's going to see". I'd want proof of what he's told you about his offspring, even if you're leaving you need to know if your child really has siblings

Inliverpool1 · 20/05/2019 07:45

@ImNotNigel nobody said it was ok but god knows most people who’ve been through a difficult divorce have certainly sat and wondered if fighting is actually in the children’s best interests.... some mothers and fathers make things very difficult

ImNotNigel · 20/05/2019 07:46

Could it be that your relationship just means different things to you both?

Yes I think that’s right. For the OP, it’s clearly serious as they live together and have a child together.

Him - not so much. They are “talking about getting engaged” - which of course means nothing. He’s free to walk away anything, just as he did before.

OP - what’s his excuse for not paying child support for the last 10 years? Will his wife / exwife not allow him to do this either? If that’s the case then I’m sure he’s been keeping up all that money in a savings account for them and will give it to his children now he’s back in contact.

Mymessymind · 20/05/2019 07:47

Oh yes it’s not the wife’s baby is it?

Outanabout · 20/05/2019 07:47

Reading, not kneading Grin

lyralalala · 20/05/2019 07:47

Also I know two people who don't see their children because of their exes. One man and one woman. One's ex took their children abroad and the other consistently flouts an access order.

They have several things in common - they're both skint from court costs, private investigators to try and find their kids etc. They both have days where they can't face events because they struggle to be around happy families.

There's no way someone who desperately missed their child could maintain a facade of never mentioning their name (especially when discussing names for a new baby) or having the slightest hint of a mood swing because they miss them on their birthday/at christmas etc. No way. He was either seeing them, or he didn't care that he wasn't.

PristineCondition · 20/05/2019 07:48

The years of bare faced lies would of killed it dead for me

Ginger1982 · 20/05/2019 07:48

Ooh this is awful!!

I can't understand why, after he had told you everything, he then lied further about going to visit the baby in hospital.

I think this would be it for me Thanks

ImNotNigel · 20/05/2019 07:49

No one said it was easy or that fighting is fun. But I don’t know many mums who walk out on their kids and deny their existence - do you InLiverpool1?

Or can woman magically cope with hard things but men can’t ?

Please stop apologising for men who abandon their children. There’s no excuse, really there’s not.

Merryoldgoat · 20/05/2019 07:50

This is terrible.

You need to know the truth and you won’t get it from him. I would contact his ex and see what she had to say.

Parvuli · 20/05/2019 07:51

Unbelievable 😡

Outanabout · 20/05/2019 07:52

Trying to picture the scene as the father who abandoned his son ten years ago turns up to see son's new baby with a bag of hand-me-down baby clothes. Xoes it sound likely?

SingleMumFighting · 20/05/2019 07:54

So sorry for you OP. He is a liar and manipulator. Do not blame yourself. He probably planned on telling you after having a child with you i.e. trapping you. Please LTB. Its good you have found out now. You do not need to waste anymore time with this man.

Icklepup · 20/05/2019 07:54

I would have left straight away, so many lies! And he has no respect not asking you if he can give away your/ your daughters clothes... Glad you haven't lost them!

InkyToesies · 20/05/2019 07:54

I'm so sorry OP. You must be reeling, and going back over everything that's ever happened or been said, and wondering if it's true.

Unfortunately, the reality is that this man is a very practised, accomplished and plausible liar. He has deliberately and systematically deceived you from the very beginning. This is his 'normal' and I wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect that what you've recently discovered (or rather, uncovered: I agree that he wouldn't have said anything had your friend not texted you) is just the tip of the iceberg and there's a lot more to come. Like another poster has said, I'd want to find out some of the truth from someone, e.g. the ex wife. Also, where has he been, what's he been doing since leaving his family? In other relationships, and possibly other children? Abroad? In prison? Sounds mad - but it is all mad - however I'd be questioning everything. My hunch is that he's not a good man.

I know you must be in bits. You haven't done anything wrong! Please lean as much as you can on your family and friends to help you with all this.

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