Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

An old but good friend has died and i am struggling to process it.

8 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 19/05/2019 18:38

She was my best friend in my late teens through to late twenties. Despite being 20 years my senior. We got into all sorts of scrapes GrinBlush nothing major but enough for me to look back and think blimey!!

We did everything together, i was always at her house. Then she met her DP and obviously she spent more time with him. I had a baby and then met my DP, went to uni , work etc. My friend developed a close friendship with my mum and it sort of changed the dynamic of our friendship. She then moved to another country with her DP and contact was Christmas cards etc. Im shit at sending that sort of thing.
We drifted apart and although she moved back she was a car journey away, neither of us drove and we just didn't really rekindle the friendship although our dp's did the occasional job together (builders). We are both pretty exclusive with our DPs and don't really socialise.

The last time i saw her apart from bumping into in shops etc was last year on a professional type visit to her house. Just a bit weird really. However my mum and her would talk on the phone often.

Now she's gone - ive known her since i was 14 and im 48 now. Im actually devastated about her death and i feel bad that i didn't make more effort. Her health has never been great so if i bumped into her dp alone and he said she wasn't well i kind of assumed it was the same old thing which of course she always managed historically.

Then we bump into her DP yesterday and he tells me she's gone. No ceremony just a private cremation. Thats it. That hurt a bit but that is their choice and im hardly able to complain when i didn't go see her or pick up the phone. They were so private though they only ever wanted each other's company.

So full of regrets and am shocked that its affecting me so profoundly as i said, we had drifted apart. She was a deeply caring and kind person that was feisty and demanding. I understand that things were very difficult at the end. I didn't know. Id like to think id have at least visited. She was a massive part of my past - turned out i loved her Sad

I know this is cliche and pathetic but please if there's an old friend in your life. Pick up the phone. Send them a card - you don't know what their lives are dishing up for them. I was so involved in my own life/family and issues that i let my friend down.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 19/05/2019 20:14

Sorry am probably overthinking

OP posts:
coffeeandbiscuittime · 19/05/2019 20:15

Don't beat yourself up, we all live busy lives. A friend of mine died last year and I always thought I would have time to catch up with her but one day I got a phone call telling me she had died. We can all do the I should have..... but we are all human and we get caught up in our own issues. Does not mean we love them any less. Thanks

GetUpAgain · 19/05/2019 20:17

Oh you poor thing. I am sorry for your loss. Lots of us have friends like this and I am sure she knew you care. Drifting apart doesn't undo all the emotions and memories and experiences- they are all real and valid. Flowers

Bluegreencoloursflashing · 19/05/2019 20:20

They were so private though they only ever wanted each other's company

So why do you think she would have wanted to hear from you? And I ask that kindly.

sheshootssheimplores · 19/05/2019 20:25

That made me tear up OP, I’m so sorry 😔

We are all guilty of assuming that people we care about will just stay there frozen in time, just waiting for us to reconnect with them. I do it too.

I lost someone close to me three years ago. She was an old colleague and we kept promising to meet up once DC2 was born. I got the strong impression something was up but didn’t push it, I assumed we would see each other soon. She died a couple of months after my son was born. She had purposely kept her illness to herself, only a few people knew. I kick myself regularly that I didn’t push to see her just a little harder.

TheoriginalLEM · 19/05/2019 20:51

Thankyou for your kind words - yes you are right. They lived their own little bubble and thats how they wanted things but to have no one at your funeral? She deserved better

OP posts:
Bluegreencoloursflashing · 19/05/2019 21:34

Her DP probably knew what kind of funeral she wanted and respected that. I hate the thought of a bunch of people I hadn't bothered with in years turning up to wallow at my funeral.

sheshootssheimplores · 20/05/2019 09:37

I agree with BlueGreen I’m sure it’s something they discussed. If they had a good marriage then I’m sure her husband wouldn’t just dispose of her any old how at the end. They’d have had a conversation about the kind of burial or cremation she wanted and the sort of service.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page