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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When your relatives never visit but expect you to visit them all the time..

26 replies

Shootingstar1115 · 19/05/2019 16:28

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable here or not.

Basically myself and Oh have two DC both with additional needs. We live about 7 miles away from mil and 10 miles away from DM.

Both mother in law and my mum want to see the kids but expect us to go there. Now, I don’t mind usually but they never come and see us when realistically it would be easier for them to visit and the DC will enjoy it. Neither are elderly or anything (40’s and 50’s). Admittedly mil works long hours and I understand she hasn’t got much spare time but DM only works very limited hours so she has a lot of time spare.

Am I being unreasonable to think they should make more of an effort? They get funny when we say we aren’t going over because we want a day at home at the weekend (they are welcome to come here).

It was my partners birthday this weekend. We seen mil but my mum said she has a card and present and asked if we could pop by to get it today. I said that I wouldn’t make it today but she is welcome over or we will collect it later in the week and she got agro.

There is no reason they wouldn’t want to come here that I’m aware of. My house isn’t a tip or anything 🤣 We are pretty welcoming!

I just feel like every weekend I have to make sure everyone else is catered for before ourselves!

OP posts:
Summerorjustmaybe · 19/05/2019 16:32

Just let them know times you will be in and have the kettle available! Ignore the sarcastic remarks about not seeing you. The mn saying is the road goes both ways....

SnuggyBuggy · 19/05/2019 16:32

All you can do is offer

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2019 16:33

Your mum is taking the piss. She knows where you live, so if she wants a visit, she can come to you. You are under no obligation to make your life revolve around her demands. I say you have enough on your plate.

bliminy · 19/05/2019 16:34

Mine don't give me any aggro because they know they'd get short shrift. I certainly wouldn't be changing my plans because someone got snippy with me.

HainaultViaNewburyPark · 19/05/2019 16:37

YANBU

If it helps, my parents are similar. They’ve not visited us for over 2 years, but still complain that we only go and see them 2 or 3 times a year. They live 180 miles away. They’re both retired. Whereas we both work FT, and DS has school all Saturday morning - meaning our weekends are only 1.5 days long. They have this bizarre notion that it’s further for them to travel to visit us, than it is for us to travel and visit them HmmConfused

SeaViewBliss · 19/05/2019 16:44

What does your DM say when you say they are welcome to come to you?

Mammylamb · 19/05/2019 16:47

Many of my family are the same (not my mother or in laws)

We live 100 miles away, and have done since we married 16 years ago. In that time, my father has visited a handful of times. My older brother and sister have never visited.
Even when my son was born 3 years ago they never came near.

These days I only travel to see my mum and young brother (in laws live nearby)

Original poster
Shootingstar1115 · 19/05/2019 16:47

My mum always says she’s too busy to come over. All her children are grown up and she only works part time so I’m not sure what she needs so much time for!! If we went over there she would be wasting ‘time’ too. She’s been over once in about 18 months...

My mother in law does work long long hours so I understand it’s harder.

Even on my kids birthdays we’ve always got to go over there and I’m getting sick of it tbh.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2019 16:47

Invite them to dinner or tea and invent a special occasion? It's the dogs birthday, or the anniversary of the day you met DH?

user1493413286 · 19/05/2019 16:49

I have this with relatives who live a couple of hours away and are retired while we work full time and have barely a minute to catch our breaths

PutyourtoponTrevor · 19/05/2019 16:53

It's very annoying. We regularly go to DP's sisters and every time it's "where have you been, it's been ages". They've been to our house once in the 12 years we've been together, despite living only 20 miles away and her regularly visiting the Trafford Centre...we are 5 minutes away from there

BuildBuildings · 19/05/2019 16:54

I live 20 mins drive from my parents. I moved into my house about a year and a half ago. They've visited less than 5 times. It irritates me too I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I have a sister with a toddler and it is often easier for me to go to her. My niece has all of her toys and snacks! She can go to nap never whenever.

I don't really have an answer. But I think it's more inconvenient for you and your children than it is for me without children so it is worth addressing it.

Isntthatalwaystheway · 19/05/2019 17:00

I hear you OP, my in-laws live less than 3 Miles away but have never visited our DCs. Not once in 4 Years! If we didn't visit them then they would never see our children Confused

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 19/05/2019 17:04

I basically stopped going to see my father for exactly this reason. He lived (his choice) about four hours drive away, retired, no pressing obligations. We had small DC, DH worked full time but no, it was my father who 'didnt have the time'.

So YANBU.

alfagirl73 · 19/05/2019 17:19

YANBU. I completely understand. In my family, it's not just transport that apparently only works in one direction, its phones too. If I didn't call or travel to see them, I'd never hear from them or see them - ever. It's getting to where I just think "what's the point?! If they don't care, why should I?". There is absolutely nothing stopping any of them travelling to see me or even picking up the phone - other than they clearly just can't be arsed.

Summerorjustmaybe · 19/05/2019 18:42

My mil lived 3 streets away and never visited. I reduced our visits to twice a week for an hour after school.

TriciaH87 · 19/05/2019 18:47

Tell them straight. If you don't it will not change.

purplelila2 · 19/05/2019 19:37

We've lived in our house for about 9 years and I can count on one hand how many times they've visited us.

Once to use my bathroom , once after dd was born once after ds was born and once to drop off a dress as they were passing through.

They live about an hour away and I would visit them regularly but have now gone low contact for other reasons.

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 19/05/2019 19:46

next time just text- The road runs 2 ways.

Frankola · 19/05/2019 19:54

My husbands parents are like this. We have a toddler and they expect us to go there. They come to us about once every six months.

Once we are there they find any reason they can to keep us there for 4 or 5 hours at a time. So essentially we end up spending most of the day there and my dad is beside herself by the point we are allowed to go home lol.

Frankola · 19/05/2019 19:55

Dd not dad Hmm

Chloemol · 19/05/2019 19:56

Just keep saying you can’t fit it in but they are welcome to pop over to you, again and again and again. On your children’s birthday invite them over , but don’t take the kids to see them, invite them as you see fit, Sunday lunch perhaps and keep inviting. Perhaps go and see then once every six months and if they comment say they can come to you if they want

Loopytiles · 19/05/2019 19:58

Invite. If they decline, only travel as often as you wish to and is convenient - likely to mean you’ll see them less often.

redcaryellowcar · 19/05/2019 20:01

I prefer going to mil house as we can dictate the start/ end time more easily, when they come here they always come early when I'm vacuuming and I find it a bit awkward. I think it's reasonable not to go every weekend, I'd see each set once a month and keep a couple of months for yourselves.

Drum2018 · 19/05/2019 20:02

Simply say that it's easier for one of them to get ready to visit you than 4 of you having to get ready to visit them. If DM gets narky about it tell her to grow up. She can't have it all her own way. Try keeping 3 weekends to yourselves and visit both mothers once a month, half a day to each house on the Saturday or Sunday if it suits you and your Dh/kids. They can then visit you in between if it suits you all.

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