What do I do..?

[Tiddler7]

It might be long. I din't know if I will be brave enough to press send, but here it goes:

I've been married to my husband for 15 years. Mostly happy 15 years. We have DS14, and DD5. Sex's never been great, as I can literally live without. Last few years it's mental blackmail. We either do it couple of times a week, or there is argument. He always says I find excuses, I feel pressured, and don't want it even more. We argue a lot, mainly about sex. Every time we argue, he says I made the argument up to avoid sex.

My husband stays at home, when DD was a baby we decided it makes sense, now it's difficult to find job.

I work full time. Lots of pressure, as all finances are on me.

Recently was my BFF's wedding, different country, we didn't go due to money being tight. 3 weeks later my "domestic" Best Friend had her hen do. I had great time. On Sat is her wedding. We just had another argument last night. I am going with DD, DS is not interested, fine for me, DH is not keen, but blames me that I want to go. And branded me unfit mother, as I mentioned coming back home by cab. Apparently that means I want to get wasted...

On the same breath I was indirectly accused of wanting to attract other men in hen night, as apparently I took sexy knickers with me. I didn't...

I am so tired and unhappy recently. I am thinking about divorce, but I'm scared. We have huge council flat. Who's gonna stay and who move out? What about the kids? They both, especially DS are very close to DH.

DH is Algerian. What if he takes them?

Does anyone know where to get some advise?

Hello op don't want to read and run. Who's on the tenancy? Sounds exhausting op. I'm sure someone with fantastic advice will be better along shortly. You

Moominfan thank you. Both of us. I'm just scared to start anything, in case I'm not brave enough to finish.

Whay does having a huge council flat have to do with anything?

That I don't want to lose it. Anything helpful to add Crunchymum?

I think living arrangements are a genuine concern. Would he leave peacefully op?

Why should he leave? He's primary carer for the DCand it's their home?

Sorry, but why should he leave peacefully? He's the primary carer of the children.

I don’t think he’s primary cared now they are teenagers, they must pretty much come and go on their own.
I’d say you need to see a family law specialist, a lot of them will give you half an hour for free. Sod all that financial responsibility being yours. You need some very good advice.

Sorry just saw other child is 5, misread that totally. Think that does change things? Again, you need proper legal advice.

So your living in a sexless marriage.

That's my problem. He will not, but I don't want either. We put awful lot of money in this flat.

How does it work with children, DH is SAHF, I am the breadwinner. Who is more likely to get the kids?

We'll he can't easily just skip the county with them if you divorce. Do both kids have passports and can you move them to somewhere secure? Whose name is the tenancy in, is it joint? It sounds like you're pretty fed up that you're the breadwinner but I'd imagine it also suited when kids were younger due to childcare? Did he not seek employment inbetween DC1 & 2 as there's a pretty sizeable gap. Could he not look into takeaway delivery driving until something comes up? Always jobs going and he'd make on average £40-70 per night. The sex issue is something you need to sit down and resolve it's hard when one partner is more keen, but equally are you turned off because you don't see him bringing anything financial to the table?

No, but I feel very pressured to have sex.

FlyingMonkeys he doesn't need me to extend their algerian passports. Once they are there, I will never see them again.

I can't take them out of school and hide.

We have joined tenancy.

Okay, so is there more to this than you've already said? Has he ever stated he will take the kids abroad if you split up? Does he have family who'd take him and the kids in? Does he have access to finances to do so? Because it doesn't appear that he'd likely flit the country with your kids based on you wanting a divorce on what you posted (other than he's Algerian)?

I believe he is capable if he's scared enough that I will get custody. He's hot headed, and does stuff before thinking.

There’s no such thing as ‘custody’ anymore. If you divorce you will both have parental responsibility and where the children reside will be up for negotiation. Lots of divorced parents have a 50/50 residency arrangement, but if your H is a SAHD, he may want more like having them most of the time and you having them EOW etc if he stays in this country. He could argue that he needs the flat to provide a stable home for the DC in that case.

Is it likely that he’d want to go back to Algeria? Would that mean he could use family to support childcare and he could then work?

You really need to see a solicitor.

I think he would only go to Algeria if he thought he can't have much access to the kids. They are his everything, and he will fight for them till his last breath. So I will remain in unhappy relationship, as having my children at the weekend, and moving out, is not appealing at all.

OP, I felt the same in previous years. Luckily dp pulled his finger out and our relationship has been pretty good after a lot of changes but its always in the back of my mind. Oh is british pakistani, also hot headed, and I have always had the thought of 'if I leave he could just up and go taking DC, that would be it' I looked into after one of our arguments, you can get a temporary lockdown on their passports if you feel abduction is imminent, they'd not be allowed to leave the country. Or I'm pretty sure you can have the police keep hold of passports and then apply to them to use when you need them but youd have to go through the courts I think. Might be worth speaking to a solicitor before speaking to your husband so you can know exactly what you can do. I empathise. Also I would imagine you could still get 50/50 custody of kids? Sorry your going through this xx

Thanks user, I don't think he really would, but last few months were ridiculous, one fight after another, I am mentally exhausted, and all sorts of things wonder in my head...

50/50 is fine, but I don't want to move out.

Tiddler, one of you has to move out (it does sound like he is coercing you into sex which is vile and abusive). If he isn't willing to then you have to. And, it sounds like you can afford a new place which he couldn't.

He is the primary care giver, that is highly unlikely to change in the courts.

So he gets to stay, AND have the kids probably more. Next I will be paying him child support or whatever it's called. I guess I'm stuck here until DD grows up.

I think you need legal advice.

I would expect in your situation that the court might recommend 50/50 care. The court order can state that the children usually reside in the UK, so that they cannot be removed from the jurisdiction. Algeria is not a Hague country, so you would need specific advice about the existence of their Algerian passports and the risks of him taking them to extended family.

Find a Family Law solicitor who understands the international aspect of your situation. And good luck.