To ask how to have a constructive conversation with my STBXH?

[MissTerryLady]

Separated because he cheated (years ago but I only just found out). He wants to reconcile. I don’t. He moved out at the beginning of the year on my insistence.

We have plans to talk with a therapist and possibly also a mediator but those appointments are a few weeks away.

Meanwhile we still have to have conversations for the sake of the kids.

I’m so bloody angry and he’s so defensive that every conversation descends into an argument (we’re fine in front of the kids but if we try to have a conversation otherwise, it always ends the same).

I know we have other options like email rather than communicating verbally or waiting to talk till we’re with the the mediator/therapist, etc, but honestly I’d like to be able to talk in person constructively.

There’s a lot I want to say, both about my feelings and about practicalities. I like to think I’m enough of a grown-up to be able to have those conversations with a man I was married to for the best part of 2 decades.

Any tips on how to about this without it descending into yet another argument?

Lets be blunt, you're still angry and hurting, so a constructive conversation is going to be beyond you at the moment; it'll all be about blame and passive aggressive digs. The very sight of him is pissing you off isn't it! Own up! It is!

Of course he's defensive, no one wants to sit and listen to a character assassination and verbal onslaught.

He wants to reconcile. I don’t. That seems pretty clear cut - may I ask the purpose of a mediator and therapist? Seems pointless

Lets be blunt, you're still angry and hurting, so a constructive conversation is going to be beyond you at the moment; it'll all be about blame and passive aggressive digs. The very sight of him is pissing you off isn't it! Own up! It is!

Of course he's defensive, no one wants to sit and listen to a character assassination and verbal onslaught.

He wants to reconcile. I don’t. That seems pretty clear cut - may I ask the purpose of a mediator and therapist? Seems pointless

Unicorn - I had assumed that my perpetual anger was being made worse by the fact we can’t have a calm conversation. Hence was asking the question.

I do appreciate, of course, that the lack of calm conversation comes from my anger. Bit of a vicious cycle.

I couldn't even look at ex for nearly a year. I was polite at drop off/pick up but he was not welcome anywhere near me otherwise. Contact was about money or the kids. Nothing else.

I mellowed after about nine months. Then he decided to stop paying child support. So I stopped talking to him again. Not very grownup I know but I just didn't trust myself

Still no bloody child support. But his situation is difficult. So I am more charitable around him now. And hope moving forward I can continue to do so.

Give it space and time. Other than the money/kids/house. Which I wanted in e mail or text for reference. So What else is there to communicate. I didn't need to keep going over my faults. He hear how fab his new life was. Ex wanted me to ease his guilt by allowing him to show fake concern. And I wanted none of it.

I know I should of been a better person. But he did some shitty things and I needed time to grieve.