Distancing myself from parents

[user87382294757]

Background: they divorced when I was 14 when my dad brought a woman home. Mum went mad and accused me of siding with him and got the silent treatment. (Dad for some reason got me to counsel the woman when mum didn't take too well to him bringer her into the house)- the woman had an abusive partner - anyway!

So, after this dad got kicked out and then followed a succession of various housing situations (we had already moved several times through childhood in various temporary accommodations) - I managed to escape to uni early at 17 and not looked back. meanwhile they went on to be strangely co-dependant, in touch but living apart, all the time me and my brother kind of in the middle, being asked for solutions (such as where to live) and over the years, they each have tried to move to us.

It got so bad my brother and I couldn't tell them where we worked as they would ring and make problems (under the guise of 'concern') and since having DC it has been hard also. (criticism etc) also turning up and arguing with my DH's parents telling them ] "she is my daughter" (about me) and also making up lies e.g. that I am a 'drug addict' when I was actually very ill having a suprise (benign) but serious tumour operation in hospital.

The combination of total lack of support and also excessing dependance has made me distance myself...my dad also will turn up with nothing not even a toothbrush or flannel and expect me to cook and care for him...they will not move on and be independant and despite being divorced are very co-dendant with each other, telling me to call the other one etc, it is all very strange and I just find it very draining.

I now have two DC, husband and nice in laws and feel guilty but am very distance with my family or origin. Feel very angry. AIBU in leaving them to cope?

To give context, they both seem to have sorted out e.g. Pension credit and housing benefit and although living seperately do OK.

YANBU. I think if they were loving supportive parents then helping them when they needed it would be the right thing to do.

But yours sound awful and I'd have no hesitation cutting them out. You need to concentrate on your new family now and let them go.

Since I have distanced myself (after some counselling) the main response has been from my dad trying to guilt me into contacting 'your mother' as he always calls her. I spoke to him about the woman incident and he told me he 'succumbed' to her and didn't really think about his marriage vows. and that he hadn't at the time of marriage either. He was in his 30s when he married so not exactly young and stupid. So that has not endeared me to him either, thought he might have apologised to me for putting me in that position and the fallout. But no.

I mean it is hard as would have been nice for DC to see grandparents etc, but then they have DH's who are very sweet with them (thankfully my in laws have been kind since mother's angry outburst and just told me to 'do my own thing and ignore them')

My brother however is still in contact, albeit reluctantly.

It sounds like you're dad has taken no responsibility for his action at all if he can't even apologise. And as for his 'succumbed' to the woman. What a cop out.

Could you tell him to stop telling you to contact your mother or you'll rethink having any contact with him.

As an aside I'm glad you have nice in laws. As a mother of boys I do get worried about all the woman on here complaining about their Mils!!

I'm a mother of boys also! I will try to be a good in law if it happens

Yes i keep telling dad it is nothing to do with him (he keeps asking me to forgive her and even wrote to the DCs about what a great woman she is - I managed to get rid of that as I screen post etc)

I have been very low contact with him recently. he rang me to remind me of her birthday the other week. Still doesn't get it. It's hard now as they are getting older. I notice he has found out a local lunch club for himself though.

I know what you mean about it being hard when they're old as I stopping contact with my mother 8 years ago when she was in her 70s. She'd always been difficult with sulking over the slightest thing. She used to fall out with me over the slightest thing, not speak to me then wait for me to get into contact. If I didn't I'd get a letter from her to say what a bad person I was. Eventually we'd start talking again until the next time it happened.

The last time I saw her I'd arranged a meal out with her and my brother, SIL and their daughters and grandchildren. It was for my birthday and my sons birthday and 2 of my brothers grandchildren who had birthdays all close by.

Because my mother wasn't the centre of attention she had a tantrum over a trivial thing and stormed out of the restaurant. It really upset my oldest son who was worried about her.

It was at that stage that I'd had enough as her behaviour had started to affect my sons and, as you know we don't like out children being upset, I decided not to respond if she sent one of her letters. She did and I sent it back unopened.

It's been hard but it's like a weight has been lifted now I don't have to deal with her. My boys weren't bothered at all which is good I suppose.

Anyway sorry to waffle on but I think you're doing the right think keeping your distance from her and lc with your dad. Especially sending letters to your DSs - that was a low trick.

I figure my mother's got my brother so he can deal with her especially as he hadn't bothered much with her for years and left her for me to look out for.

Yes, I understand...I think that it takes time and trust to build a relationship and they shouldn't assume that it is just there no matter what they do...also with the grandchildren too. Mine don;t really notice or ask about it either. It just isn't really an issue to them, as they hardly know them.