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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know whether I want to stay with my husband?

49 replies

Pumpkin0123 · 19/05/2019 10:11

He told me that I've "let myself go".

We've been together 12 years. We have 2 children, of which the youngest is just 1.

I've always been curvy (hourglass shape), which he says he likes. I have never been smaller than a size 14. I think I was a 14 when we met and my weight has fluctuated over the years so I've mostly been around a 14-16 for most of our relationship. I'm a 16-18 now. More of a 16 generally but often need 18 for bust room.

I've struggled with finding the time to exercise since having children (and still working full time) and whilst my diet isn't generally bad, I admit that I have a problem with snacking too much and I know I could do with losing weight but up until now he was always full of compliments so this is a sudden turnaround, and it has really hit my self esteem.

This on its own is no reason to leave him but when he said it we'd come home late from a night out, I'd had a bit to drink and was very sleepy and I rejected his advances and said I just wanted to sleep. I don't think that's unreasonable but then instead of letting me sleep he started telling me that I've let myself go and that he's got no incentive to take me out places if he's not getting any at the end of it, basically.

Apparently he's finding me less attractive than he used to as well (well yes, I'm 12 years older than I was and have birthed two children). I try to dress in flattering clothes and do my hair nicely etc. so he's pretty much just talking about the ageing and weight gain.

I feel like just crying and not eating ever again :(

I'm not sure I can put up with his crap any more, he's making me feel really low. But I don't want to break up our family.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2019 10:15

So is he Mr Adonis then? I bet he isn't. Maybe he doesn't turn you on either? ou could address your diet but don't do it for him. Do it for you. Do it together?

Dermymc · 19/05/2019 10:21

He's a prize twat for saying he has no incentive to take you out if he doesn't get sex afterwards. That's rude and horrible. You should go out together because you enjoy each others company and want to spend time together. If that part of your relationship is dying, can you both look at why?

At least he was honest about your weight.

There can be quite a difference in weight and shape between size 14 and size 18. How much weight have you gained? It probably hurts because part of you knows that what is is saying is true. Even though that is hard for you to accept.

IKnowYouAndYouCannotSing · 19/05/2019 10:25

My first question is- is he himself a honed physical masterpiece in the mould of Magic Mike? If the answer is “no”, as I suspect it is, then why does he feel he has the right to point out perceived physical flaws in you?

There’s so much wrong with this: he feels he has the right to belittle you, criticise your body (which as you rightly point out has birthed HIS fucking kids) and is treating sex as something transactional that he “gets” in return for “treating” you to a night out. None of that is okay. Never mind that you work full time with two kids.... I only work very part time and I’m exhausted and feel I have no time for anything.... you must be knackered.

My husband can be a right knobhead and sometimes he drives me properly mad, but he is never nasty and in my opinion OP, what your husband has said is really, really nasty. Even after a decade and two kids my husband still compliments me and is kind and even in my worst moments of postnatal self-doubt about my body he has always said I look beautiful and that I’m the sexiest woman on earth as far as he’s concerned. That’s what it should look like.

In your shoes I would be having a frank discussion saying that you will not be having sex or spending any time giving him attention whilst he thinks it’s okay to behave this way and say these things.

If this is an indication of wider issues within the relationship I would suggest counselling to try and work through it for the sake of the family, but I would also understand if you no longer wanted to be with such a total charm-vacuum who seems to see you as some kind of service to be used as and when he dictates in exchange for a night out a few glasses of wine. Fuck that, life is too short to be married to that person when there are plenty of men out there who would thank their lucky stars to have you (and quite rightly!)

A frank discussion is needed. Good luck.

PregnantSea · 19/05/2019 10:25

Throw it right back in his face. Tell him you remember when he had less wrinkles and a more muscular chest and how much more attractive he was.

Original poster

Pumpkin0123 · 19/05/2019 10:29

No he is no Mr Adonis, he's not bad looking but it's his personality that's always made him more attractive to me.

It's about 2 stone since we met, I think. I didn't used to weigh myself much when I was young! I know I need to lose it and looked better at a 14, but this is a sudden flip from him as he's always said he finds my curves sexy before.

OP posts:

IKnowYouAndYouCannotSing · 19/05/2019 10:29

Dermymc I really don’t think what she weighs is relevant. Is that meant to be something she keeps on top of for her husband? Why? Sure okay, focus on your own health and happiness, but why should she be killing herself to be a size 10 when she’s clearly run ragged as it is? Why does he have the right to be “honest” (and I would say it’s less honest and more downright unkind) about that? I would be fucking furious if my husband said something like that go me and expect him to be if I did too. It’s nice to look and feel good about yourself but it’s not something you should feel you need to work on to maintain the interest of your life partner. We aren’t talking about her piling on ten stone, it’s a difference in dress size over the course of a decade and having two kids!

Original poster

Pumpkin0123 · 19/05/2019 10:35

@IKnowYouAndYouCannotSing Thank you. That's how I see it but I'm not sure whether I'm reasonable, as I've said I fully acknowledge that I'm overweight but this is not something new, and no I haven't piled on massive amounts all of a sudden or anything.

I would never say something like this to him. If he thought it why tell me suddenly now too, when before that he's never even hinted that he's finding me less attractive?

OP posts:

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 19/05/2019 10:38

I think the question is more "does he want to stay with you?"

I think he's softening you up for it being your fault when he leaves.

It doesn't sound like he likes you that much.

Original poster

Pumpkin0123 · 19/05/2019 10:44

@Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt You could be right. It is not going to be my fault if he leaves though, if we split up because he's turned nasty then I'll make sure everyone knows (except the children of course, would keep them out of any arguments we have).

He says he wants things to change and doesn't want to leave at the moment, but who knows. He's obviously not happy now I've let myself go and don't deliver sex after a night out.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2019 10:45

Ok lots of different issues.

He has no right to talk to you like that. It sounds like he had been drinking and felt rejected so lashed out at you. Id try to talk to him about how he feels now, and see what he says. Does he stand by it, does he apologise, what?

As for your weight, are you happy with it? This is key. If you're not try to do something about it, if you are then don't. You need to do it for you.

You say you've went up mainly one dress size but put on about two stone, this although possible would be unusual. Two stones would be a couple of dress sizes at least for most people unless you're very muscular or very tall indeed. As such, maybe you are an eighteen in reality and are slightly downplaying it because of how you feel about it.

There is a difference between looking curvy and over weight. They are not the same thing, and a size eighteen at most heights does look over weight.

So really address the two issues separately. His attititude and what caused him to behave in such a manner, and how he really feels, and what you then wish to do in relation to that ie leave, stay, what.

And the weight, how do you feel about it, and what if anything you wish to do about it for you and only you.

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/05/2019 10:46

I'm not sure I can put up with his crap any more, he's making me feel really low. But I don't want to break up our family. Are you and your DH giving your children a good role model for a healthy relationship?

NoSauce · 19/05/2019 10:50

Agree with Bluntness. If you’re unhappy with how you look then you can do something about it but if you are then that’s ok too. He doesn’t sound very supportive or pleasant tbh.

Original poster

Pumpkin0123 · 19/05/2019 10:51

@MereDintofPandiculation We don't argue in front of the children.

I wear a 16 in jeans, but as I said I often need an 18 top as I've had a bust expansion post babies and breastfeeding, which also accounts for some of the weight.

He hasn't apologised and we can't discuss it now with the children about so it'll have to wait until later. Problem is he often starts the silent treatment once we're alone together, after an argument, so I'm not sure we'll get anywhere! To be honest, I don't feel like discussing it with him anyway right now, I'm too upset.

OP posts:

LordNibbler · 19/05/2019 10:55

OMG I hate the silent treatment. It's so bloody controlling. Like a punishment to teach you to comply.

Shoxfordian · 19/05/2019 10:57

He's giving you the silent treatment when he's been a complete knob? Wow

Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2019 10:57

Apparently size 16 is the most common size for UK women. So not OTT.

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2019 10:58

Ok it seems there is a communication issue. He doesn't communicate and goes silent, and when he does communicate, he does it in a hurtful blurting out manner. Possibly supported by alcohol. He seems unable to articulate himself normally to you.

If you're too upset to talk right now, then leave it till you're calmer. But you do need to find the space to talk to one another. Because clearly this can't go on.

You both need to understand the others view point and listen. And then decide your futures. Right now neither of you is happy. For differing reasons. He feels rejected it seems, is unable to articulate himself, and you feel hurt by his demands and his shitty comments and piss poor communication abilities.

Original poster

Pumpkin0123 · 19/05/2019 11:02

He thinks I've been the knob because I was tired and didn't want sex last night and I've let myself go and therefore am less attractive and want less sex, which isn't fair on him. Hence the silent treatment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pumpkin0123 · 19/05/2019 11:05

There is definitely a communication issue. He seems to keep things that are bothering him to himself then blurt it out late at night, generally if I've rejected his advances because I'm tired. He doesn't think being tired is a reason not to do it, then he gets angry and comes out with everything. I'm tired then and it makes things worse as I get angry at the sleep deprivation.

I think we might need counselling.

OP posts:

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 19/05/2019 11:35

But it shouldn't be all about you "letting yourself go", that's putting it all on you. Back to "if I was younger, fitter, smaller, less...then..." when it's just things change as you get older. It doesn't mean it's for the worse, it needs more communication about what makes you both happy.

Dermymc · 19/05/2019 12:18

OK I take it back about the weight. Reading about the silent treatment just shows what an arse he is. You sound at the end of your tether with him and he sounds like he struggles to communicate.

I'd decide where your own lines in the sand are. Sit him down and talk to him about how you feel. Depending on his reaction will tell you whether to stay or leave.

fghkhfdryjkv · 20/05/2019 05:09

Op not wanting sex one night is not something you punish someone for. It's disgusting quite honestly. You're perfectly entitled to not feel like sex and have that respected. He doesn't sound like a very nice man.

Sally2791 · 20/05/2019 05:25

You do not have a duty to be a certain size other than what you want to be and sex is by mutual agreement. Take the lead and tell him (by letter or email if he's still playing silly buggers with the silent treatment ) that you are unhappy and concerned about your relationship, and that you will be having counselling about your future. He is welcome to come if he wants to. Take the control away from him.

WellThisIsShit · 20/05/2019 05:34

Do you think marriage counselling would help with communication?

Shadycorner · 20/05/2019 05:42

he started telling me that I've let myself go and that he's got no incentive to take me out places if he's not getting any at the end of it, basically.

This is an outrageous, not to mention, crass thing to say. He's basically commenting on your value to him and exposed, in the process, the way his mind works. And its not pleasant.

I think I would respond, "well I can lose weight but you will always be a knob". Possibly not helpful though!

I would not be speaking a word to him until he apologized profusely for what he said. He should be begging you for forgiveness!

I can't understand all the posters banging on about weight here. You have done wrong op. This is not about weight, it's about basic respect.

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