Ex-friend has been ghosting me and never told me why

[NooNooHead1981]

We have mutual friends and our daughters are in the same class and used to be best friends.

I was friends with her about 18 months ago, and then I had an ectopic pregnancy. All was fine then she discovered she was pregnant, but she found it very hard to tell me - I think she genuinely wanted me not to be upset, but I will never know for sure as I was never told the reasons why she didn’t directly say she was pregnant. Unfortunately she had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I tried to be a good friend and sent her a card and gift to say how sorry I was. This went unacknowledged. From then on, she seemed to become more distant.

I then found out I was pregnant again and had my DS a year ago. I could completely understand why she would have found it hard to be able to see me or speak to me, but she took it to the extreme. One minute she was talking to me a few months before, then a couple of months after her miscarriage, she was crossing the road in the street, blanking me on the school run and then telling my mutual friend that I had to ‘get the hell away’ from her.

She is now 4 months pregnant and I have said congratulations to her recently as I passed her in the school playground a few days ago. She blanked me completely- even after i called her name and said to her DD she must be excited. Her DD actually almost stopped to say something but of course she had to walk off as my ex-friend was walking away.

I know people will say let sleeping dogs lie, and don’t waste time worrying about it, and that clearly I should be sensitive to her etc. I have spoken to mutual friends who have asked her why she has ghosted me, but no one can determine what it is to do with. I would have liked her to have been friends so our DDs could have stayed friends at least - I do feel it is unfair that my DD has lost a best friend because of it. It would also have been good to have someone to share being a mum to a baby again - I have lots of friends with DC my DD's age.

I guess it is really too late for us to become friends again, as too much time has passed. It would be nice to be civil though, as I am going to have to see her on the school run for a few years and seeing her looking blankly and giving me cold stares isn’t something I look forward to.

AIBU to worry about this?

I'd honestly just leave her alone.

I don't think you're going to get any answers from her, otherwise you would have by now.

Wow that's awful. She sounds very odd but you sound lovely. I wouldn't want anything to do with her if it was me. I'd give up trying and just put it down to experience. We think we know people then discover that we actually don't. You've done nothing wrong - she has behaved poorly.

I would leave it, she’s obviously not interested, maybe you upset her unintentionally

It sounds like she's twisted it up in her mind OP - she was basically avoiding you when she was first pregnant as you were the person who'd had a miscarriage, then she had the misfortune to have one herself. Your well-intentioned card may have come across as you saying "We're the same, you and I", and it sounds like she couldn't bear that thought as in her head bad things happen to YOU, not her. Your card may also have come across as gloating, in a very twisted way - a sort of "Ha ha, now it's happened to you too". I know you didn't mean it like that at all, but people get to some very odd places in their heads when grieving.

The upshot is that she'll probably now avoid you for evermore. Not much you can do about it, I think

Thank you for all your kind replies. It does make me anxious but I try not to let it get to me - it is just that she comes across as so rude. I know she’d have been grieving and finding seeing me pregnant hard, but there was no need to treat me so badly. True friends don’t do that

That’s just it, she isn’t a friend anymore and she’s made that quite clear. I’m sorry, but you can’t make her want to be friends with her, and she’s perfectly at liberty to distance herself from you.

She’s being very rude, but there’s nothing to be gained by pursuing it any further. As for your DDs, to reassure you, if they want to be friends at school, they will be. As kids get older, parents have less control over who they choose to be friends with.

Let sleeping dogs lie. There will be other parents you can make friends with. The ex-friend will stop the cold stares before too long.

My best friend ghosted me. Our mutual friends said they had no idea why. I'm sorry to say this OP but there's no way in hell your mutual friends haven't asked WTF?
They know. They're just not telling you.

I doubt there's a single person out there who, upon hearing one mutual friend say "she needs to get the hell away from me" about their other friend, who wouldn't find out what the fuck is going on.

As much as I would want to confront for closure, I would, as others say, leave her be. Screw her.

Please find a whole new group of friends. It's hard but it can be done.