Ending a Friendship

[offtowindycastle]

Name changed but am a regular poster.

I have a friend (A) who I've been mates with for about 6 years- our kids went to school together but aren't friends and it's a close friendship; I had a key role in her wedding last year, we see each other regularly etc.

Last year she fell pregnant by a married man who promptly left his wife and son who is now 5. It transpired the marriage had been unhappy and they divorced quickly so I got over my self-righteousness and figured it was just an unconventional start to their otherwise seemingly happy relationship.

They married last September and she's pregnant again. Since then she has turned into an evil stepmother. Her husband gets paid overtime in cash which is declared and she still complains constantly about the money they pay towards maintenance a pitiful £45 a week. She makes every effort to sabotage her now husband's relationship with his son and contact is now down to once a month. She's erased any sign that the son even exists whilst her son (from a previous relationship) has started to call new husband 'Dad'.

I'm really struggling to maintain a friendship with her after having seen and heard her be so cruel to a child. DH says it's none of my business and shouldn't affect our friendship but when she says things to me like "I'll make him miserable this weekend so he doesn't want to come next time" I just want to take him back to his mum. I challenge her every time and she just laughs and says she doesn't care if she sounds like a bitch she does. This weekend she is gleeful because he's not well so she, and therefore her husband, won't have to see the son until the end of June. Her husband used to push back but she'd kick up such a fuss he just goes with it now.

Others in our friend group seem to have some sympathy for her but I have absolutely none and I can't bite my tongue anymore so considering just cutting contact. I'm not the unreasonable one here am I!?

This is awful behaviour, OP, and you’re quite justified in ending your friendship with this woman. And what a spineless father, allowing his DS to be abused like this. Rejoicing that the poor little boy is unwell is truly sick.

I also agree with PPs that you shouldn’t leave it there; you should give a heads up to the boy’s mum about how your friend is treating him, and consult the NSPCC.

I had a friend who did this. Couldn't respect her anymore. And I couldn't respect the child's father either.
Who the fuck tolerates their partner calling their kid 'devil child' in public.
I met the kid. She seemed perfectly ordinary, and frightened to death of upsetting my 'friend'.
Haven't seen her for a long time and I know others dropped her too.
She is still with her partner though. Shame on them both

Thanks for your replies, I'm glad I'm not alone and hope that our other friends secretly feel the same but aren't as open at calling it out as I am.

For those who queried the timeline- she discovered she was pregnant in Jan last year, had baby in late July and married in September. She found out she was expecting again at Xmas so will have 2 under 2. Her eldest is 10 and has limited contact with his Dad- they weren't married and have been separated since he were a baby.

I suspect those of you who've suggested she's scared of losing him they way she 'gained' him is true, along with wanting to ignore the fact he had a life before her.

His ex-wife is friends with a mutual friend and seems quite nice, she didn't make a fuss when they split, divorce was amicable and she seems happy to be rid of him to be honest- I might just have a coffee gossip with said mutual friend in hope that the message gets back to his mum.

Blimey! I wish my divorce was so quick.

If she is going out of her way to make a five year old miserable then you need to take direct action, don't hope a chat will get back to the mother. Frankly it isn't good enough. A is emotionally abusing a child contact the mother directly or contact the nspcc for advice or your local ss. See something, say something.

I'm sorry, but I would have to stick my nose in, od ask if mum was willing to meet with me and mutual friend.
I'd just have to tell her what was going on. It's unfair that the child is in this situation..

My kids been there, and honestly, I wish someone would've told me, because no way would it have continued to happen

Bitch is too nice of a word for her. Honestly I'd be tempted to record the things she says and send it to her husband.

I'd tell the child's mother how her baby is being treated

Wow OP she sounds like a hateful jealous cunt! As loyal as I am to my friends when they mess up or make mistakes if any of them behaved the way your "friend" is towards a child I would blatantly call her out and tell her straight "congrats you're an evil bitch of a step mother if your husband does to you what he did to wife no 1 I hope his next woman treats your children better than you treat his cos you reap what you sow" I doubt their relationship will last tbh as my mum says leopards don't change spots. If he cheats on his wife/gf WITH YOU HE'LL DO IT TO YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE!

Yea, if that was a friend of mine I would have to keep away and remain distant. The company you keep always says a lot about you and I would never wish to be associated with a woman like that.

Her behaviour that you have said is awful, and I cannot believe her husband is allowing her to get away with it. It's just vile that she's purposely being horrible to a child and purposely ruining his relationship with his dad, while making her own child that's not his call him dad. What the fuck is wrong with her.

I would tell her husband to open his eyes to her vindictive ways and to sort out his life, have a good relationship with his son and don't let this ex-friend ruin it for you, the child doesn't need a toxic father, he needs a good stable father in his life.

As for her, I'd tell her how I feel also and wish her luck on ruining people's lives but I'm out.

This may not sound right but right now it's the only way I can describe it- she doesn't sound right in the head.

What grown woman ( who is also a mother ) could even contemplate treating a young child with such disdain?
She is a pathetic human being and I hope karma comes and bites her on the arse.

I would 100% be having a word with the mutual friend op. I couldn't settle knowing that an innocent child is being treated so badly and under the nose of his parent too.

If she is saying these horrible things out loud to you, one can only imagine what's being said in her head. Vile woman.

Personally, I would have to make a stand for that child. I would start with her and not mince my words. That probably won't go down too well so then I would speak frankly to her Husband and tell him why you are bowing out of being friendly with his Wife. He has to hear from someone who isn't his X as he simply will not believe her at all.

Then I would go and have a coffee with the mutual friend of X wife. make sure everyone is very clear in the picture what is happening to this child.

Maybe contract the nspcc for advice, I know this has already been mentioned. This is definitely emotional abuse by the way (I counsel children). Here is some info about it www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/emotional-abuse/what-is-emotional-abuse/#inpage-nav__list

I’m surprised at your husbands reaction tbh. I think mine would judge me for still being friends with this person actually, I really don’t think he could stand it so your husbands reaction is really concerning to me. Does he have empathy generally? This is a defenceless child fgs. How can he be so blasé about it?!

You have time on your side since he’s not due to see him til end of June at least. Good luck, you might be this child’s only help here.

Ps the dad makes me sick. Totally weak.

Get rid of her. And tell her why. Her attitude may not affect you but I cannot be friends with someone who is so morally bankrupt

OP I'm 37 and I'm having regular psychotherapy for a similar situation that happened to me at a similar age. It's affected my confidence and self esteem all my life. Please speak up for this little boy.

Speak to that poor boy's mother, then his father and authorities if necessary. Just how was she planning on making him miserable? Emotional or physical abuse?

How does your DH choose his friends -does their behaviour not have an influence?
Ditch the friend and tell her exactly why.

Honestly, you have to imagine it is your husband and your child. You need to warn the mother, she will be messing up the child for life and the mum needs to stop contact with her and ex husband

She sounds fucking horrible. That's a small child's life she's messing up. Imagine that wee boy being made miserable and wondering what on earth he's done wrong.

I would absolutely tell the mum and drop her as a friend. I simply couldn't be ok with it.

I'd have to say something, ask her why she's being so vile to a little boy whose world has been turned upside down. I'd do it in front of 'witnesses' too so she can't wriggle out of it. Horrible woman.

Op you really need to talk to the child's mother, don't bother with the father.

I think talk to the mum too. This happened to me from being a baby and it really fudged me up, or was at least a big factor. The damage it will do to the poor child's self esteem and feelings of worth is huge and lasting. It will always be a part of him. Don't be surprised if there's some physical abuse going on with the mental abuse. No one suspected my dad's new wife of what she was doing, but she was.
Worst case scenario is it gets back to your 'friend' that you spoke to the mum, but it sounds like the friendship is over anyway. I know it would be horrible for you if that happened, but you've tried to tackle it directly already and she laughed!

This is awful, sadly i was that child who's step mother behaved like this. Not nice people and I certainly would not be friends with her.

She shouldn't have slept with a married man if she didn't want step children.

That poor child