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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

by insisting DP looks after DS on his day off.

49 replies

hoolagirl · 19/07/2007 19:25

Me and DP live together with MY ds (2.5) and his DS (13).

DP has Tuesdays off, and when I was working from home I worked Tuesday mornings but would have DS at childminders all day so me and DP would have the afternoon to ourselves.

Now I am going back to work full time outside the home and DP has announced that he is looking forward to having Tuesdays to himself.

We have only been living together for 6 months, so I had DS in childminders on a Tuesday anyway (but obviously extended this to the afternoon as well)

I think that he should have DS on his day off whilst I am at work, but he wants to put him in childminders.

I need to work 1 weekend in 4 and obviously he is happy to have him then, but its just this bloody Tuesday thing.

His arguement is that even when I had a shift off and DS was due at the childminders then I would still put him in, which is true.
To be honest, DS loves his childminder and I struggle to fill my time with him.

So am I being unreasonable in expecting DP to sacrifice his day off?

OP posts:

Toady · 19/07/2007 21:16

a day alone - whats that? If it were me I would book DS with the childminder for morning and lunch and then DP and DS can spend the afternoon together.

HedTwigg · 19/07/2007 21:22

did I give enough perspective? did I? did I?

skidoodle · 19/07/2007 21:24

toady, are you kidding? you would make an arrangment like that for a man to look after your son without his prior agreement?

I find that just astonishing.

hoolagirl,

but in this case, he didn't assume he would be looking after your son.

now if he's generally good about sharing the household tasks, then maybe his assumption was a fair one and yours was a little presumptuous.

If, on the other hand, you are expected to do more than he is, then you have a bigger conversation to have about your blended family than what happens on Tuesdays.

Original poster

hoolagirl · 19/07/2007 21:25

Oh Skidoodle, your just being argumentative, Im away to watch Big Brother

OP posts:

skidoodle · 19/07/2007 21:28

ok then grand. insist your DP looks after your son regardless of whether he wants to. he is just there so you can tell him what do, right?

Original poster

hoolagirl · 19/07/2007 21:30

Have you read anything else I posted on this thread?
I've already said he doesn't need to!
PSYCHO! Lighten up!

OP posts:

Toady · 19/07/2007 21:39

Sorry have I missed something, i was responding to the OP, confused!!! Why would it be without his prior agreement

Original poster

hoolagirl · 19/07/2007 21:40

Think i've missed something as well, Skidoodle seems to have her own axe to grind!

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 19/07/2007 22:06

Probably.
I was talking to someone last week - first year when they've had school holidays so child not in full time nursery now but school. Anyway her partner is a teacher. So most of us in normal relationships would expect he'd look after his daughter for the next 6 weeks but no her's not a "hands on father" (in other words she presumably he's a useless idiot who needs a wake up call but oh no, she tolerates it all and condones his behaviour - where are these women made..... on planet Stepford Wife?)...so a week at her mother's, she takes a week of her annual leave, 2 week family holiday, a play scheme and this lazy idiot of a man gets his 6 week school holiday at idle leisure whilst she's rushing round working full time and trying to arrange holiday care.

skidoodle · 19/07/2007 23:47

um toady,

you said you'd book your son into daycare in the morning and that your DP and DS "can spend the afternoon together".

no mention at all of what your DP might actually want.

I assumed no prior agreement since there was no mention of any kind of consultation process.

So either I missed that it was implied, or you missed out on mentioning it.

But just to be clear: my point was only that it would be pretty shocking to make plans for your DP's day off that involved him looking after your child. His day off, his plans. Or his day off, you maybe get to ask him to do things, but you don't get to insist.

If I was with a man with a child and he presumed I would spend my day off looking after that child I would not be terribly pleased. If he made plans with a childminder based on his presumption without talking to me first I would be livid.

Malfoynomore · 20/07/2007 00:10

Hm...why is there such a tendency to feel for the men when it is about giving up their free time....
honestly, does anyone ask us?
I don't think that generally it matters if we are SAHM or working out of the home ones..we are expected to orgnaise childcare, and dare we ask them how thye work to maybe make more childfriendly aswell as costfriendly arrangements...tis like pulling out wisdom teeth...
ok, situation in op is that there is a child on each side but not one together, op looks freewillingly after dp child when he is away, why should the same not ocunt for the dp...yes different ages, but fgs...is it to much to ask...of course we all would love our days off, but when you are aprents when does that really happen...I ean really....

HappyMummyOfOne · 20/07/2007 09:27

I would normally say that you are right in assuming little one would be looked after by your partner on his day off rather than going to childcare - all the parents i know don't use childcare if one of them has a day off.

However, as you have previously booked childcare on your afternoon off I don't think its unreasonable of your partner to assume this would continue on his day off. If you weren't willing to sacrifice you day off for your own child why should he?

hatwoman · 20/07/2007 09:39

imho the key here is viewing it as a family unit. when hoolagirl is at work she is contributing to the family. she works 5 days a week and gets 2 days off. if her dp only works 4 days a week I don;t think it's unreasonable to expect him to do something on a 5th day that contributes to the family - that might be looking after ds or it might be doing housework and shopping while ds is at the childminders. it might also be having a day to himself which allows him to do stuff he wants thus freeing him more at the weekend to take on teh kids - in order to allow hulagirl to do stuff she wants. time to yourselves is very precious - and if he gets some on this 5th day then it would be fair that hulagirl got some too, at the weekend.

if I were you hulagirl I would suggest to dp that you send ds to teh childminders - at least for some of the day - and that the quid pro quo is that you get some free time at the weekend.

Judy1234 · 20/07/2007 11:15

m ".we are expected to orgnaise childcare, ", not all of us do, which is the point. There are plenty of non sexist households in the UK but some just don't seem to be able to throw off those old fashioned patterns and I don't necessarily blame the men. The women who tolerate this and don't effect change are responsible too.

legalalien · 20/07/2007 11:25

Frankly, I'd be more concerned about my loss of half a day off (I'd love half a day to myself a week). I vote that he gets his day off, DS goes to childminder as usual (you say he loves it) and you ask DP whether, since you're going back to work full time, he could organise to do something on his own for a couple of hours on a weekend morning or afternoon.

moondog · 20/07/2007 11:27

Xenia,I know many male teachers like the one you describe who wouldn't dream of looking after their children over the holidays.
Itm akes my bloody boil,even more so when their wives go along with it.

NeverTickleASleepingSoupDragon · 20/07/2007 11:29

"I think that he should have DS on his day off whilst I am at work, but he wants to put him in childminders"

You also put him in the CMs when you weren't working on the Tuesday afternoon. What's the difference?? YABU

hatwoman · 20/07/2007 11:42

at these teachers!

Original poster

hoolagirl · 20/07/2007 11:46

Ok, so we are split here.
As I said, he will have to have him the first month on the tuesday until I get paid anyway due to paying the childminder.

After that, I'll see if he still wants to put him in, I do understand that a day to yourself is a treat, but its sour grapes that I won't be getting a day to myself.

And I know it was selfish of me to put him in so me and DP could have a sneaky afternoon together, but absolute bliss!

Damn damn, he wins, he just doesn't know it yet!

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 20/07/2007 12:00

And just to give him some rare praise there was never ever any question my children's father wouldn't look after them in school holidays. How could there not be?

Surely that's about the most sexist positino there could be - father a teacher, mother works full time. Father has 6 weeks + off, father looks after children in school holidays. It's an unarguable point and it would reall interest me to see how the male teachers justify not doing childcare. Sometimes my ex did work on a holiday scheme for pay and our children went to that or when we had a baby and a full time nanny obviously she had them then but not otherwise.

The lady I was speaking to said "he's not a hand on father". I just smiled but she shoudl be forcing him to be so. Tough he's not a hands on father. if he's left for 10 hours with the child when she's working he'll just have to become "hands on". But she doesn't do that - she enables the sexist model to continue.

meandmyflyingmachine · 20/07/2007 12:21

When I say I'm a teacher, I often get the comment "that must be handy with the children", but none of my male colleagues reported similar comments

Although I don't know any of them that didn't look after their children in the holidays though. Of course with young children you have to pay for a nursery place anyway, and we have all been known to take advantage of that for a little time to ourselves...

plus30 · 20/07/2007 12:47

YABU in my opinion. Your ds is obviously used to going to the childminder and you say he loves it. You were happy to send him there even when you weren't actually working because it suited you to spend time with your dp on his day off. Now you have to go to work, your DP continues to have his day off and suddenly the childcare arrangements threaten to change. Why? Because it suits you and because you can't bear the thought of your DP having more free time than you. Sorry for sounding harsh but in my humble opinion free time is something you just have to forgo when you have children - and work full time. Both me and my dh work full time. It would be nice to have time to indulge in some of the things we used to do pre the arrival of our dd but actually, the only thing I really want to do when I'm not in the office is hang out with my little girl - and i wouldn't dream of having her looked after while I'm available to do so. DH and I have our time together once she's in bed. Rant over!

kslatts · 20/07/2007 12:49

I think you are being unreasonable, if you took your ds to cm when you were off why shouldn't your dp.

cat64 · 20/07/2007 20:47

This reply has been deleted

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