To be dreading visitors??

[Gahhhhvisitors]

I’ll try and keep it short and not drip feed...

My DH is from overseas and has lived in the UK for 30-odd years.

Once a year his sister and husband come to stay. Today they’re hard work is an understatement. The conversation isn’t easy, there’s only so much time you can spend talking about the differences in “their country”, education and general observations they have. Her husband doesn’t speak brilliant English so it can be quite stilted at times.

I appreciate that my husband doesn’t see his family as much as he’d perhaps like because of the distance (European country about 3 hour flight) so I’m happy to accommodate. I have always provided round the clock meals (and I really try to make mealtimes exciting by cooking a variety of things which take time and they always enjoy). I know I don’t ‘need’ to do this but I have standards and wouldn’t feel comfortable serving up beans on toast, for example. To paint a picture, they wake up
And sit around the table, clearly expecting breakfast. Repeat - breakfast, lunch and dinner.

It doesn’t occur to them during a 14 day stay (they always come for 14 days) to go out or entertain themselves so that falls to us. When we go out, they have this utterly baffling ability to hold back and leave us to pay. It’s incredible. Staying with us is clearly a very good way to save some money because they can’t spend more than £100 the entire duration apart from clothes/bits and pieces they pick up for themselves on shopping trips.

My husband is expected to pick them up
And drop them at the airport. A 2.5 hour round trip.

Written down I know it sounds insane and I need to push back, but you wouldn’t believe how easily all the above ‘just happens’.

We’re actually visiting their home country for a holiday with our children (staying in a hotel) next week so their visit will only come 3 weeks after this trip. My husband went over to visit her in February so it’s not like she hasn’t seen him for years.

I just dread their stay. I work 3 days per week and my husband is self employed so he will be working in the day (we can’t afford for him to take 14 days off during our busiest time). He doesn’t feel like he can say no to their visit and I feel terrible moaning about it because he really is the most generous and kind man with my family.

I know I should suck it up but having to babysit 2 grown adults who bore me to tears is just an excruciating prospect. JUST GO OUT ON YOUR OWN for an hour would be heaven but they won’t!!!!

I suppose I’m asking for tips and strategies 😂

Trouble is you've set a precedent now so they expect to be mollycoddled and paid for. However you can push back and make them do things. Don't make them breakfast on the first morning, go out and do something instead and tell them to help themselves. It might seem mean but there is no other way.

Thanks. I intend to push back a bit this time and not cool so much and may give them
A key. I’ve said to DH that we need to eat out more but they’ll only sit back and wait for us to pay. It’s infuriating.

If your husband wants to see them, he takes time off to make conversation and does his share of the cooking, surely? And no one can make you pay for meals. Just don’t. Say ‘This one’s on you’ or ‘Whoops, I seem to have accidentally snapped all my cards in half over dessert.’

You have totally brought this on yourself I think. This time for the very first morning you change things.
Breakfast: When they sit at the table put out cereal and bowl, say "help yourselves everyone, there is bread by the toaster". Just pop everything in the dishwasher when you are done.

Lunch: Do similar with sandwiches/rolls/salads, have a help yourselves attitude with everything on the table and everything in the dishwasher when done.

Dinner, I would keep as it is. I mean you have set this precedent for years so baby steps. But yes definitely give them a key, plans and say " i'll be out all afternoon tomorrow so you can have time to yourselves", rinse and repeat.

The paying thing depends, I wouldn't pay all the time but how I handled would depend on things like whether they had money/you had money/ are they from somewhere much cheaper etc etc

Give them a pile of tourist leaflets about various places of interest, tell them that you'll be 'unavailable' on x,y,z days, (no need to elaborate!) but that you're sure they'll find lots of things to do if they have a look through the leaflets.

They are adult relatives, not visiting dignitaries...they are perfectly capable of sorting themselves out with things to do.

I have developed a strategy for people who always expect us to pay; when the bill comes, I add a tip split the bill and say it's £x each, and ask the waiter/ess to take £x on my card, then it's down to them. Likewise, if we are going somewhere that needs a ticket, I just ask for 2 or 4 (if DC are with us). I spent so much time and money because it seemed the right thing to pay for others, then realised that certain other people never felt it was the right thing to do.

They are family, so get them involved in family life. Give them a key, a bus pass for the week and tell them on what days they can help by cooking dinner, as you are working. If they are not interested in fun activities by themselves, ask them to help you with errands. 'I've got so much on today, would you mind taking these letters to the post office for me?'.
I know my MIL will only do stuff if asked very directly. Otherwise she's worried about interfering.

I'd start making your own plans do you are unavailable some of the time

I’d say it’s only once a year so not too awful but that you could make it easier and more pleasant on yourself.

You can introduce subtle changes to food provision by just doing cereal and toast for breakfast. Tell them to help themselves. Make them feel comfortable enough to do their own thing rather than feeling they have to wait for you.

Ask if they’d like to cook a couple of times whilst here and let them provide a traditional meal from their own area on set days. Your husband assuredly speaks the language and can explain where the nearest supermarket is.

Ask what they’d like to do - specifically would they like to have a few days out exploring without you? I think most people would jump at the chance but might worry about offending their host.

Your husband might not be able to take two weeks off but he could perhaps take a few days off throughout their stay to spread the load more fairly. Maybe he’d like to cook a couple of times too?

Getting them to do errands is a good idea too.

I don’t think collecting from the airport is unreasonable, to be honest.

You sound like me. I wait on my visitors hand and foot. My husband's family come from abroad and can visit for long periods. I've stopped doing breakfast as it seems ridiculous to make people toast or serve cereal. You could set the table the night before and tell people just to help themselves in the morning. I know that sandwiches for lunch are a British thing and many foreigners don't see them as a proper meal (I have this issue with my in laws!) but try and do the most simple foods like pizza jacket potatoes and quiche etc). Whenever your husband is about get him to take them out so you get a break. I always ask my husband to take them out when he can just so I can have some peace and quiet. You can't be expected to do all the food, keep the place tidy, do washing etc AND entertain them 24/7.

I feel your pain but some people feel it’s rude to help themselves and be in other people’s cupboards etc. Welcome welcome them, tell them to help themselves. If they ask for something, tell them where it is, do not fetch it.

Cheap skates hang back and wait for others to pay. It’s so infuriating, I wouldn’t eat out, just a help yourself meal at home. Leave out so nice bread and fillings, grab yours and begin eating.
I used to fall for the same trap every fucking time and I felt like I was doing something wrong the first few times I put my foot down, it’s gets easier. If not you stay being the doormat. Tbh neither is great. But that’s family sometimes. Plus your husband should take a role in this too.

Can they come at a quieter time so DH can take some time off? 14 days is a long old time. And yy to cereal and toast for breakfast.

Your husband needs to talk to them. Could he say you've got lot on at work so need to relax on an evening? Or something like that.

Do they buy any food or bring you a gift?

Can you go out with dh in the Evening and leave them to fend for themselves.
Drop hints about local supermarket or hinting to them to go out and stay out.

I'd lay out breakfast things on the table the night before and tell them to help themselves. Get takeaway a couple of nights a week.

Are they financially poorer than yourselves?

The dynamic will only change if you change.

Tell them when they arrive to sort themselves out for breakfast and lunch.

Completely dial down the food to a simple evening meal. Again no discussion.

Divide the bill and pay for your portion, every time, no discussion whatsoever.

Make plans to be out of the house regularly. Inform them, again No discussion.

Two weeks is far too long to be visiting.

Start a new dynamic or suck it up OP(meant kindly).

Your choice.
Best of luck.

Thanks everyone. You’ve helped to reinforce my ideas of the more relaxed approach I should be taking

I'd tell them that I unfortunately had to do overtime at work then bugger off out for a lovely day on my own.

Let them get their own bloody breakfast.

Write down all these ideas and keep them handy in your bedroom so that you don't forget .

You have to believe that you are behaving in an acceptable manner and that will hopefully give you the strength to do these things.

I would start with telling them to get a taxi from the airport. Your husband has to work.....

I would also definitely have to work (or be out having a lovely time) on one of your days off. Just leave for work as usual.

Get your husband to do as much of the work as possible.

Lastly - why on earth are you going to visit them beforehand?????

I'd cut down on the meals out, maybe just take them out for dinner once (and pay for them as it's a one-off).

Make sure you're busy on some of your non working days, eg go and see a friend or travel somewhere, leaving them with a key and a pile of leaflets.

On the days you work can you get home a bit later and leave them with instructions for preparing dinner? Or ask them to cook one of their favourite dishes, mention how much you enjoyed the food in their home country. Encourage them to pick up ingredients from the shop and don't offer to reimburse them, they're family and most families would automatically chip in with food costs for a 2 week stay.

Delegate jobs to them eg emptying the dishwasher.

Put all the breakfast stuff out and tell them not to wait for you, then have a lie in!