Am I worrying about my exes impact on my son too much?

[giancarli]

I'm going to be extremely honest here. It might sound like I'm stealth boasting or being big headed but I'm not. Trust me, I feel like the biggest failure on the planet and I doubt many people would disagree in a similar position.

I hate myself. I had a child with a horrible, horrible man. He is unintelligent, abusive and mean. He is not understanding of different cultures and when I was pregnant he raised with me the fact that his son will be mixed race and he didn't know how to feel about that as he will be disadvantaged (this upset me as a black woman, the way he said it was not nice at all). When I say he is unintelligent, I mean he has no drive to better himself or learn at all, he shared a post by EDL because he didn't know who they were (he claims), and he voted BNP (but lied and pretended he voted labour). That kind of guy.

I am an intelligent woman. I have a PhD, a fabulous job, my father is a scientist, and my mother a lecturer. I work damn hard and my son is the most precious little baby I've ever seen. How I ended up with the lowlife I did I don't know. How I got suckered in to an abusive cycle that I'm scared to leave I do not know. I'm in no way implying that because I have been successful in other aspects of my life that I deserve this any less than anyone else. It's awful, and shouldn't happen to anyone. I just thought I had the brains to read people like books considering I have a psychology masters. I clearly don't.

I am so, so worried about the impact that my exes personality will have on my son. He's not a nice man and I'm so scared my son will end up picking up traits from him.

I've become obsessed with it and need to calm down. I hate myself and have become depressed.

Can anyone, anyone help or offer advice?

Bevause at some point you loved him. Love makes you see 'past' all the negative nasty abusive shit ands suckers anyone into it and you let things go, big things sometimes. Once you start to adjust to that feeling of how much you love a person you start to see them for who they are. Be that good or bad.

Its nothing to go with intellect, its raw emotion.

But you see him for who he is now, leave before your child is affected by it.

Oh you have left, good. Tell your child from birth that some people are still stuck in the mentality that white people are better than black people. Which is utterly ridiculous.

Its ignorance and drill it in your child to be proud of who they are.

I have similar concerns, OP, but for different reasons. I've read a bit into it. I am holding on to the fact that if a child is raised with a consistent UPR, it makes them stronger to deal with any other cr@p that might be thrown at them.

You sound lovely op, and I bet your son is too. Your ex sounds awful but sometimes even awful people can be convincingly nice for a while, and even stupid people can be manipulative and clever with it.
You have done very well to leave him and you are showing your child how to live a good life. Don't worry about anything but living your life and enjoying your child. Best of luck op. Xx

How old is your child? How often does he see his ‘father’?

Unfortunately I’m aware of some of this kind of mentality - I was a child of a woman who tied herself to a man who sounds like your ex.

It’s a bit different for me as I wasn’t his daughter, but my mother was black and he is white.

You need to insulate and educate your child which thankfully my mum did. Also leaving him is the best thing you could’ve done too.

I don’t have any advice, except perhaps try to understand what led you into a relationship which such an awful man so you don’t repeat the pattern.