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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting?

30 replies

pomegranatepie · 18/05/2019 21:56

Ds 4, came home from his dad's very sad and clingy and grumpy. He told me that his dad had been cross with him and had threatened to leave him at the petrol station forever and that he would have to live there. He said "I'm not sure my dad is my best friend anymore' I explained that his dad didn't really mean it and sometimes people said things they don't mean when they are cross. He is finally asleep and I'm fuming. Should I just ignore this? His dad had a mean temper towards me, the main reason we split, and I worry that he will do the same to our son.

OP posts:

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 18/05/2019 23:08

Anyone? I could do with some perspective....

OP posts:

ellendegeneres · 18/05/2019 23:11

What an utter bastard 🤬

He’s 4. He’s not much more than a baby ffs.

Pinkprincess1978 · 18/05/2019 23:12

I hate it when parents etc do that. My in laws used to threaten to pull over to the side of the road and make my children get out if they were messing about. I always hated it and would reassure my children this wasn't something they would do (they never have).

If you have the right sort of relationship with your ex could you tell him how upset your child was?

palahvah · 18/05/2019 23:13

That must have brought back all sorts of feelings for you. I'm sorry I don't have any advice to offer.
What is your dialogue with your ex like? Do you debrief each other when you're doing the handover?

Lotts123 · 18/05/2019 23:17

When I was very young we lived with my Nan and if I was ever naughty she used to “phone the Nuns and tell them to come and take me to live in the convent” - as an adult it’s silly, and I’m sure she just thought it was a way to encourage me to behave, but as a child it genuinely terrified me. Maybe Dad doesn’t realise that it will impact DS so much? I think if you do not have a good relationship with DS’s Dad then maybe do not bring it up but just continue to reassure DS that his Dad was just saying that because he was angry - I think he will soon forget about it. Or if you feel you could have a Non confrontational chat with Dad (based on your previous relationship) then maybe mention that DS was upset by what he said and that if he’s cross there are other ways to convey this to your son.

ELW85 · 18/05/2019 23:19

You have to feedback to him. He needs to know the impact he’s having on his son and that it’s no more than an idle threat to him, but everything to his son.
IMO you need to do it as calmly and without confrontation as you can as he might think you’re taking the opportunity to exaggerate and take shots at him, when it’s so important he takes this seriously.

CherryPavlova · 18/05/2019 23:20

Mmmmnnn very articulate four yea old to repeat all that.

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 18/05/2019 23:20

He did message me this evening to ask if ds was ok and if he told me why he was upset with him. But didn't respond when I explained what ds had said. I expect him to tell me that I am overreacting. Communication is strained at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

pomegranatepie · 18/05/2019 23:21

He is incredibly articulate for a four year old. Ex has confirmed that he did indeed say that.

OP posts:

ELW85 · 18/05/2019 23:26

Sounds like you’ve handled it really well, OP. Not an easy situation in the slightest.

Drogosnextwife · 18/05/2019 23:27

Mmmmnnn very articulate four yea old to repeat all that.

Not really.

NCforthisone19 · 18/05/2019 23:28

I'd be worried if a four year old couldn't relay simple information like that.

Mummoomoocow · 18/05/2019 23:35

It sounds like he’s forgotten his son is still a baby, probably partly due to his good language skills. I would be seeing red OP. Nobody threatens my baby regardless of age or relationship with him.

Forget how your ex feels or behaves with you - tell him emotionlessly and in as few words as possible that he does not threaten your son again.

tor8181 · 18/05/2019 23:36

its so sad that threatening behavior,scare tactics and threats is how so many adults parent these days

its so wrong

Dippypippy1980 · 18/05/2019 23:37

My mum used to threaten to kick us out of the house, said she would pack our bags as soon as we turned 16.

She denies is now, or says she was joking, but I remember it made me feel really unsafe.

Mummoomoocow · 18/05/2019 23:38

... I’m so angry for you! Threatening your boy abandonment and rejection, the nerve.

Lizzie48 · 18/05/2019 23:40

That’s awful. Of course your DS was distressed by his dad saying that. He’s too young to understand that he didn’t really mean it. It’s good, though, that your ex made contact to ask how DS was, he obviously had some idea that he went too far. Don’t let him minimise this, he needs to understand that what he did was very wrong and that your DS was really scared by his idle threat.

Cherrysherbet · 18/05/2019 23:41

That’s awful op. You need to nip it in the bud. Your poor boy. Hate it when adults say things like this to children. He’s a bully.

Nanny0gg · 18/05/2019 23:43

Would it be wrong to tell DS that you will always come and find him? (I can see arguments for and against)

ilikemethewayiam · 19/05/2019 00:14

Child abuse, pure and simple! I was severely abused both physically and emotionally as a child, this breaks my heart.

Merryoldgoat · 19/05/2019 00:27

Why do people have such low expectations of what children can say/convey?

My child was able to talk in full coherent sentences before he was 2, and relaying that would be no problem at all at 4.

Is contact court mandated?

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2019 00:30

Why do people have such low expectations of what children can say/convey?

Because their kid can't do it therefore no child can.

Complainingagain · 19/05/2019 07:49

This is horrible. Once when I was being 'naughty', my mum made a pretend phone call to social services while I sobbed, begging her not to. She pretended she was having me adopted and that I'd be gone by the end of the day. I spent the whole day utterly terrified until by the end of the day when I'd just sobbed and been terrified and scared sick all day. She did stuff like this all through my childhood and to this day I can't have a healthy relationship towards her. Even when we are 'getting on' I feel like I'm acting. I have too clear of a memory of the fear and misery I felt during childhood and find it really difficult to love her or be close to her because I still feel so hurt and angry about it. Honestly, parenting like this, based on fear, strict punishments verging on cruelty, and threats, cannot lead to a healthy parent-child relationship. Your son's dad is destroying his own relationship with his son by behaving like this.

Complainingagain · 19/05/2019 07:53

Also as a teacher I find it shocking that some posters don't think that a FOUR YEAR OLD should be able to articulate this? It's really not complicated and seems very simple? Of course a four year old with no additional needs should be able to simply recount something that happened that day and also express a worry? I'm really surprised to hear suspicion over this...

IceIceCoffee · 19/05/2019 07:53

I’m clearly terrible when ds is kicking off I say bye stay here then and walk off . I don’t think it’s the best thing to say but I don’t think it’s that bad.
You know his temper though it would also depend on tone

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