AIBU to think it's rude to let your eyes glaze over the minute your friend starts a subject about themselves?

[CatAndHisKit]

I'm talking friends or long-term acquintances, with whom you don't meet often but keep in touch, and then you meet to catch up. I came across this twice recently, one a closer friend.

I'd think it's polite and shows that you care about the person when they start some subject which may not be riverting but something relevant to their life right now, and they want to share a little. Obviously I wouldn't bang on about myself for long, and I ALWAYS listen and respond for a good while when it's a friend talikng about their hobby or domestic chores or whatever - I ask a few questions and I do want to know to an extent.Then IF it goes on too long I try to steer to a different subject - and it's fine by me if they do the same.

But when I start to talk (and not plan to bang on) about something boring but relevant to my life, literally in a few seconds - that eyes glazed look. I obviously stop. So am I too sensitive - and is it fine to show immediately you are not interested and I should do the same?

Well, if it is happening to you repeatedly, then I'd be looking at the common denominator, (you) yes.
As I can't say that happens in life generally.

Some people do this whenever the other person starts talking. It’s blatantly obvious that they’re just thinking about themselves and what they want to say next. Their attention wanders and fades immediately.

I see it as a flaw. I don’t think you’re to blame here - it’s just that some people are more self absorbed than others. It’s annoying but not sure what you can do really!

Self absorbed friends are so boring. She sounds like a user aswell.

What Back said, if it’s happening to you a lot.

If the topic is as ‘boring’ as you say, why talk about it to people you don’t see often? They can’t know in advance you’re not going to bang on for aeons either.

It depends. Do most friends do this, or just a few certain ones?

If it's most friends - it's you, you're boring. I don't think most people do this. I'm not the most scintillating company but I don't get this much.

If it's a specific person - they're rude. My auntie does this a lot, like Atrocious says glazes over to think about what they're saying next. It's irritating but knowing that other people have noticed it at least makes me feel less like its me boring her.

Hmm, depends what the “boring but relevant to my life” subject is. If more than one person’s eyes glazed over within seconds it does suggest the subject is exceptionally boring to people who are not interested. A pyramid selling scheme? A niche diet or health regime? Game of bloody Thrones?

Some people just want to talk about themselves. When you are talking, all they atre thinking about is what can they say next.

Don’t take it to heart.

Not everyone is a listener, some people have a much shorter threshold for content they have no desire/stake in. Also, mental states are variable. Have you heard of ADHD, autism, concentration problems, fatigue, a headache ... things besides you influence people’s ability to tune in

an interesting variery of opinions - thanks!

Back and Poor no it doesn't happen a lot, it's two people specifically. They do know me, one is definitel;y a good friend and we keep in touch a couple of tines a week but meet once in a few months, so she does know a olt about my l;ife and vice versa.
The other is a long term but not a close friend and we don't meet up often.

It's not the same subject that gets this reaction, with the acquintance it's pretty much anything unless it's one common topic we share a lot.

I want to reiterate that I always listen to their 'boring' to me stories for a good bit, and only if gets too long I steer then away. With the closer friend this time it was my health issues - I do know it's boring but this was an update (we normally mention health in emails) and I was literally talking for about a minute. It's important and I would definitely listen if a friend wanted to share their worry about health.
Otoh I find her hobby (a sport( very boring but because it's HER hobby I still want to know a bit and be please if she enjoyed herself etc - likewise I listen and sympathise about her chores etc when she complains.

But you aer right Mummoo and gives me comfort that not everyone is a listener by mature or a tactful person. To me it's strange that people don't think it may come across as uncaring when they definitely see you as a friend. I think friends aer there to support each other, and that's what I try to do - within reason of course, I wouldn't expect a lot. I do value her as a friend too so possibly need to acceopt that she is a bit blunt. She can also say 'no' very bluntly without trying to soften it but she would help practically when she can -, so possibly you are right Mum re attitudes / concentration etc. In which case best not to say anything.

sorry, too many typos there, way too late for me!

I know exactly what you are talking about OP! I have a very close friend who I speak to several times a week on the phone. She will quite happily dominate the conversation with detail about her own life - the minutiae of her job, her arguments with her husband, involved tales of her teenagers' friendship issues. I supportively listen, comment, ask questions, give opinions. BUT as soon as it is 'my turn' she stops listening. I can hear people speaking to her, or she is fiddling around with something in front of her, even typing. She just says "mmm mmm" for a minute or two and then suddenly has to go! It's very dismissive and makes me feel completely invalidated at times. In other ways she's a wonderful friend but conversationally she's a nightmare.

I have a friend like this too. It's not you and yes it can be frustrating if you have stuff that you want to talk about for a change and you don't get any airtime. I think my friend focuses on being an entertaining conversationalist and she is very amusing but just doesn't seem to understand about conversational give and take. She's a great friend in other ways though, would do anything for anyone. Her support is practical rather than emotional.

It sounds like it's them if it's different subjects.

I have to confess with two acquaintances i do the same, their subjects are ones super awesome profitable mlm she won't shut up about which everyone knows is a lie and no matter how blunt she still tries and one who has a shitty bf that bangs on about secretly she loves drama in her relationship, no one else likes to hear the latest instalment. Basically its a long chat which is all about them and they scuttle off right after to inflict on others.

Good conversation skills are really rare.

I hate it when people talk at length about something that excludes someone in the group. (And yes, I've tried changing the subject! I also consciously try to change subject if I can see someone bored by the group chat.)

But it's equally rude to not "share" the conversational burden by listening and engaging with something you're not actively interested in.

I have a friend who is a total drama queen. No one can raise a problem in their life without her sympathising for 30s before steamrollering in with her issues. Weirdly, she only does this on WhatsApp - she's good in real life. It's like someone mentioning anything there reminds her that she can livestream her rants, and sets her off.

YANBU - I think it says more about the other person than about you (as you have said it doesn't happen with everyone, just specific friends).
DH's cousin is like this, but she's a borderline narcissist. Even when we saw her for the first time with a new baby she couldn't spare a few minutes to fake interest in how we were doing. She just wanted to hold the baby and take selfies.

If they’re not interested at all; probably best to alter the terms of your friendship in your mind so that you don’t feel so powerless. Either say very little about yourself consciously, and watch how the conversation pan out, or see less of these people.