Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About lack of birthday present?

25 replies

Birthdayshit · 18/05/2019 13:46

My birthday was this week. No present from my bf of several years. I did get a card (no message). We are not in a great place in our relationship; he said as I didn't tell him what to buy he didn't buy me anything.

I feel at least he could have bought me a bunch of flowers but I've not said anything as that will probably start another row. AIBU to be disappointed?

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 18/05/2019 13:49

Disappointed? I would be really angry tbh. If he forgot fair enough, I forget things all the time, but to purposely tell you that he wasn't getting you anything is shitty.

ANewDawn10 · 18/05/2019 13:50

Yanbu. That's a nasty thing to do. So if you didnt tell him, he couldn't use his brain to ask you or at least get something he thinks you might like. If the relationship isnt great then I would be looking whether it's worth it overall.

Singlenotsingle · 18/05/2019 13:52

We all know what he'll be getting for his birthday, don't we?

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 18/05/2019 13:54

He has history of insisting I provide a list of gifts to pick from. He also hates presents himself as he dismisses most things as 'tat' and things he doesn't need. So for his birthday I tend to pay for a day out somewhere, or else an item for the house he actually does need. I've never not bothered to get him anything.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 18/05/2019 13:54

No, yanbu at all. It’s not about the present. It’s about taking the time and making the effort to do something to make you happy. Is he like this all the time? Is that why you’re not in a great place?

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 18/05/2019 13:55

He has no idea what I'd like apparently.

He won't even buy me flowers because I don't like them (I don't like 1 particular type of flower, I love all others).

OP posts:
Charm23 · 18/05/2019 13:57

I'd leave him. It doesn't take a genius to a) remember a special date of a special person in your life and b) do something to show you care. I'd rather be single than feel so disrespected. Maybe that sounds like an overreaction but I've been with my DH for 7.5 years and not once has he forgotten any special day.

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 18/05/2019 13:58

The issues with our relationship aren't directly related. A lot of it is him thinking I don't make time or effort for him. Yet not getting me anything is hardly making much effort is it!

He used to buy lavish presents for his Ex which apparently she complained about and never liked. So because she was an ungrateful cow I now only get presents if I specify exactly what I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Birthdayshit · 18/05/2019 13:59

He's not forgotten it. He knew 100% it was my birthday. He just didn't get me anything.

OP posts:
PregnantSea · 18/05/2019 14:01

Sounds like this relationship is over.

YANBU. I would be very hurt and angry about this.

Unicornshopkeeper · 18/05/2019 14:01

LTB

bakereld · 18/05/2019 14:10

It's not about the present, it's about the thought and effort taken for someone you love.

Even if he didn't know what to get you, why couldn't he just ask? Why do you need to write a list? Why can't he take the time to notice what you like and mention in the months running up to your birthday? Your are not his mum. He is being lazy AF.

If he was really stuck what to get you, why couldn't he go safe with a box of chocolates or a voucher for your favourite shop?

My boyfriend doesn't really 'do presents', and his family are the same even at Xmas. He always says anything he needs he will buy himself etc. However he knows I am/my family are the opposite and makes the effort with us.

You are definitely not BU to be upset and angry.

ThanosSavedMe · 18/05/2019 14:12

Why continue with the relationship. Seems like it’s run it’s course. Just move on

Ticklingcheese · 18/05/2019 14:25

Wow what a keeper. So bu-hu he feels ignored and this is how he pays you back?
Find someone who is a bit more grown up.

Ihatehashtags · 18/05/2019 15:06

He’s an arse and he’s not into you. Dump

GetOffTheTableMabel · 18/05/2019 16:03

He doesn’t love you.
This isn’t how you treat someone you love. Sorry.

RedSheep73 · 18/05/2019 16:16

Doesn't really sound like he cares about your feeling to be honest.

AlwaysCheddar · 18/05/2019 16:18

I think your relationship is dead.

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 18/05/2019 16:22

He says he loves me and is desperate for our relationship to continue but he doesn't think I seem to feel the same way. When things like this happen, he is probably right. OTOH I get on better with him than anyone I know, we have a lot of common interests and tastes.

OP posts:
PatsyClinSilVousPlait · 18/05/2019 16:27

I (a man) think financially solvent grown adults receiving birthday presents is ludicrous, but he needs to play the game.

It doesn't sound like a relationship that's making you happy, and the lack of a bunch of flowers on your birthday sounds like a symptom rather than a cause.

UnicornBrexit · 18/05/2019 16:33

This is the telling line in your ;posts:

A lot of it is him thinking I don't make time or effort for him. Yet not getting me anything is hardly making much effort is it!

He has put no effort in because he doesn't think you do

He says he loves me and is desperate for our relationship to continue but he doesn't think I seem to feel the same way.

^^ this has to be coming from somewhere? Why does he think these things?

I'll be honest, these threads, I tend to wonder how it is that people swap bodily fluids but are completely incapable of communicating with each other.

In the same way that we regularly see posts from insecure women distrusting a present partner because a past one mistreated or cheated, this bloke is terrified he's going to buy the wrong present and asks for a lead because he was abused in the past.

It's all in the this post - He used to buy lavish presents for his Ex which apparently she complained about and never liked. So because she was an ungrateful cow I now only get presents if I specify exactly what I want.

Original poster
Birthdayshit · 18/05/2019 16:38

He says that me not making enough time or effort signifies that I'm not invested enough in our relationship. However he can't explain what time or effort he actually expects, but tells me that I should know.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 18/05/2019 17:32

Is anyone else seeing red flags here... He is accusing you of not doing something and making you feel bad because of it... Then does the exact same thing himself. But that's OK because he can't be expected to.

Get out OP he is not a nice man.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 18/05/2019 18:25

he can't explain what time or effort he actually expects, but tells me that I should know.

I have come across this so many times: the partner/friend is expected to know intuitively what is wanted, and provide it as "a surprise". Sometimes it becomes "If I told you what I wanted it wouldn't be the same!" He is being unreasonable to expect you to read his mind.

He is feeling the same, though, isn't he: that he was being expected to know intuitively what you wanted. He probably felt safe with a list to choose from, because he knew you were bound to like what he got you rather than reject it and by the same token reject him, so not having a list threw him and he didn't really know what to do. And did the worst possible thing, just begging to be rejected for it but he couldn't see that!

Unless you can sit down together and have That Conversation (and cry all that either of you needs, and if necessary stamp your feet and throw things, though ideally not at each other) about what each of you wants, needs and expects, it's just going to go on and on with misunderstanding, and be unfair on both of you.

EKGEMS · 18/05/2019 18:31

It's passive aggressive to teach you a lesson you don't deserve better

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread