to have not realised his many abusive behaviours?

[giancarli]

• putting me down and making comments about my body.
• receiving oral sex from me and asking me to do things I didn't really want to do, but promising he would return the favour then never, ever doing it.
• shouting, punching things, raising his voice.
• losing his temper very quickly over tiny things.
• driving dangerously with me in the car.
• always asking who I'm talking to and demanding to know what we've talked about.
• refusing to help with our baby, stating that 'that's what your maternity leave is for'

And so many other things. How did I not realise I was being abused? I feel so, so stupid

Yes, abuse, but don’t start carrying on his work for him by abusing yourself!

He’s a hideous piece of crap. I hope you’ve left him safely now?

Anything mean you say to yourself is him speaking through you. Don’t let that happen. Positive affirmations please!

@AtrociousCircumstance I have but I have a child with him. It's so hard. I didn't even realise it was emotional abuse. Or that emotional abuse was a thing. I thought it was me.

Sounds horrible. As little contact with him as possible, ignore abuse, only deal with practical stuff about drop-offs etc, go full grey rock on him.

Switch your attention to yourself and all the things you can now do to have fun, and fill your life with friendship and interests.

Tear your attention away from the nasty bastard. Where you put your attention is where all your energy and emotion goes. Focus on some good stuff, for yourself and your DC and your future.

Ps I know you need healing time too. Maybe counselling would help you recover.

There's no reason to feel stupid. Why should you know it was a 'thing'?

@AFistfulofDolores1 I tried to explain it to a friend and she just looked at me blankly. She didn't know what to say and I could tell she didn't understand why I let him get away with it. Why I had a child with him. I am so down. Trying to get a non molestation order but the court wouldn't pick up the phone yesterday. I'm just exhausted.

Sounds exhausting. Rest when you can, be kind to yourself.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist, @giancarli? The fact that you couldn't see it suggests that it was normalised at some point for you. Typically, this happens in our family of origin. Therapy can help not only unpick and understand that, but also to change patterns that otherwise continue unchecked (more often than not, we will choose one abusive relationship after another, unless and until our unconscious patterning is shifted).

I write this as a woman who was in several abusive relationships.

Please don't feel stupid, as pp said that's him talking through you.

It crept up on you and became your norm and it wore you down, it's how abusers work.

But you're away from him now and that's how it's going to be from now on. You can feel positive about yourself, look forward to the future and move on to a better life.

But first you need to heal and learn how to see yourself as a strong person who got out of an abusive relationship. As pp said counselling might help.

Take care of yourself and your child.

@AFistfulofDolores1 do you mind if I DM you a bit later when I have a chance? I've been in more than 1 abusive relationship too and I don't know why.

Of course you can, @giancarli

It has taken 10 years of separation for me to fully understand what my exh was doing.
It was only after reading another thread on here quite recently that the penny dropped and I realised that my husband used to deliberately hide things and then blame me for losing the, do he could go into a.sulk.
Why didnt I realise? Because it never occurred to me that anyone would ever do this. I am a normal, sane, person. He clearly was not.
We assumed that our partners held the same values as us, but they did not. Don't blame yourself. You cant possibly understand crazy if you are not crazy

@hazell42 I don't think I would've been able to leave my ex without Mumsnet. It's helped me realise a lot of things. It's really an amazing platform.

If you have low self esteem and abuse has been part of your life before this, you would just see it as how relationships are. Domestic violence /emotional abuse normalises that behaviour to any children and sets the template for their future relationships. I think counselling would give you insight as to why you didn't realise & how to avoid it in future. Don't beat yourself up.

May I recommend the freedom programme? In many areas you can self refer. It's a series of group sessions for women who are in or have left an abusive relationship. It can help you understand which behaviours are abusive and recognise early signs in the future.

I wish you all the best op. You have given your child the most wonderful gift by leaving.

I escaped an abusive relationship 9 years ago, and still releasing certain behaviours and actions were abusive and some of it was awful.