Grandmothers' husband hates me. Awkward.

[buancccca]

Really horrid situation. My grandmother is married to a Man I once got on with. He now has advanced dementia and has lost his inhibitions. He's made it very clear he doesn't like me or my son and always asks when we are leaving over and over when we are there. It's not nice but equally I understand that it's not his fault. It's extremely awkward as he makes comments about us leaving and being unwelcome in the house. It upsets my grandmother and she becomes flustered and stressed every time we visit. She is his carer and won't leave him on his own, she's equally not well herself so the option to meet up outside of the house isn't one she's happy with, which is fair enough.

I just don't know what to do. I can't blame him as he's not well, but I feel extremely guilty whenever I visit as it stresses him out so much and my gran just ends up beside herself because her husband has this real hatred for her granddaughter and great grandson.

If I stopped going round my gran would be really hurt and it would no doubt make her feel awful, but equally I feel like I'm creating a real issue by being there.

AIBU to feel a bit lost? I want to support her and wish I could help with his care like I used to but it's just not possible.

What do I do?

Is there another family member who can run interference on him while you spend time with your nan?

Not really. My mum comes with me but he knows we are in the house and complains as soon as he sees the car arrive. He won't even come in the room to eat his dinner when I'm there. He really hates me.

Also, dementia doesn't tend to stay still for long, so you may find this resolves over a little time.

It's not him it's the disease I'm so sorry you're going through it. My Nan hated me when she got dementia, she went from mild mannered and nice to screaming obscenities at me every time I saw her. Interestingly she did think I was my mother but that's a different story.
In your shoes I'd try and support your grandmother but maybe do some jobs for her in a different room to him/ go and do her shopping etc for st least a portion of the time.
I hope your poor ds is aware it's not personal and just a disease. That must be hard for you to make clear with him, age dependent of course.
You sound really nice,

Can you meet your dgm somewhere nearby, rather than at the house? Is there a pub or cafe somewhere near? Can he be left for a short while, an hour or two, or is there someone who could come and babysit while she comes out to see you?

Thanks @MrsBertBibby - it's really awful. I had never had first hand experience of dementia before, however now that I have I understand how much of an effect it has on families. My poor gran is so isolated because of it. He's a completely different person and it's sad to have seen him deteriorate so quickly. All in all it's sad for everyone.

Your mum is acceptable then?

I think you are going to have to tell your nan that if she can't come out to spend time with you, there's not much else you can do.

It's a bastard cruel disease. I'm sorry.

Yep. My mum has dementia, and the impact on dad is horrendous.

There's a thread in elderly parents that might give you a place to scream, if nothing else.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3533423-The-second-new-shiny-2019-thread

Does he hate you or is this the dementia talking? He probably dislikes anyone taking her attention . If you want to see your gran you are going to have to teflon up and realise it is not personal. If you wanted to answer back rather than ignore, then think of some standard quips:
That was rude, I will ignore that for gran's sake
Long stare, deep breath and carry on your chat
I am here to see gran, don't spoil it for her by being rude
Someone has forgotten his manners today
If you cannot bring yourself to say anything then try and converse with her in the kitchen, garden or dining room, away from him. It is more than likely be does this to anyone visiting your gran and she may be feeling isolated as a result.

Jamie none of those are fair on someone with dementia. They really are not in control.

Sure, some of the nasty comes from real bits of their psyche that have laid buried for decades, but they no longer have the capacity to choose to keep it hid.

It's like the absolute worst of having a toddler but with no hope of improvement, or release, except more profound illness and death. And much less cuteness

maybe if you can show that it's not bothering you your nan would be less stressed? What about responding with some old TV slogans that might trigger a laugh from him? Basically pretend he's joking and laugh yourself? The slogans don't have to make much sense, they're just catchphrases-

'ooh you are awful but I like you'
'ooh I could crush a grape'
'first prize a week in bognor, second prize two weeks'

etc etc. As a pp says, it will probably change over time.

'

What respite does your Gran have? This sounds tough on her. Is respite possible? A Carer to stay for an hour or two so that she can get out of the house with you or others? This is important for her health.

Firstly, he doesn't hate you, he has dementia. He isn't making an active decision to dislike you, it isn't because of anything you have done or who you are. It's because of a disease in his brain.

If you try thinking of all his behaviours like this, it may help because nothing he is doing is personal to you.

Is your Gran having any help with him at all? He sounds exhausting. Options would be him having a befriender sit with him so she could go out and meet up with you and have some free time away from him or that he goes to a day centre and she has a free day.

He won't want to do any of these things of course but it is vitally important that your Gran has support as he is so reliant on her and she is effectively keeping him going so she has to make sure she doesn't end up exhausted.

Christ this is so hard. My aunt had dementia and would scream obscenities at me when I went to visit my gran who was her carer. My Aunt had been a very proper Christian woman, so it was tough to have this very proper woman suddenly telling me to go fuck myself.
All I can advise is very short but frequent visits. Maybe 20 minutes half an hour at most. Your grandmother needs visitors however hard it is on you.
And yes, dementia changes so it may be in another 3 or 4 months this is no longer an issue.
And the person suggesting your gran leaves him alone for an hour or tow while you meet in a cafe I suspect does not understand dementia. Someone who has lost their inhibitions to this degree is unlikely to be safe left alone for even 10 minutes.

OP it might help to think of what toddlers are like. Toddlers can scream and get upset at crazy things e.g. because you gave them the blue ball that they had asked for!!
Maybe think of him in that way? Like a toddler who hates you for no real reason, or reasons that can't be fathomed. It really is not personal. And it may be that he is mixing you up with someone else anyway.

There are some phases of dementia when you wish for a faster disease progression. This may sound heartless, but I am sure all who have experienced dementia know the relief that can sometimes come with a less functional, but more manageable next phase .

I think the main thing is to try to reassure your grandmother that you understand it's the dementia, and try to keep your chin up, though it must be awful for you.

Could you say to your granny that given how upset he is becoming at the moment you understand if it is just more stressful for her having you visit and does she want you to stop visiting for the time being? It may be that she doesn't know how to ask you not to come. As others say, he will move on to a different stage of the illness.

Perhaps you could write her supportive, newsy letters instead. It will give you both a feeling of uninterrupted conversation, although I don't imagine she will have the opportunity to reply.

I'd phone her instead or get your Mum to sit with him, while you see her at a local café/pub/ coffee shop type place.

Please don't follow Jamie's advice. That's terrible and would be a horrid thing to do.

He can't help it as you know. If you can visit when he's asleep that might be easier for now, it likely will pass. But tell your Gran you are happy to stay away for now but equally happy to visit and put up with it. I'd do whatever she wants. Dementia is so cruel

Is social services involved at all? Both would benefit from respite - your gran from getting some time without him and him from either different company or ideally a social group he could go to. they can be really beneficial. Those would be your time to see your gran but be prepared that she may need time just on her own- it can be incredibly draining having to be with someone 24/7 and you sometimes need space inside your own head.

The other option is the phone. Will he allow her to talk on the phone or does he see it as taking attention away from him? If he will then you will still have a chance to talk, although obviously it's not as good as in person.

Try to remember that it is his dementia talking and not him. In time he may completely change his mind - people vary. I do think it would be a good idea to involve socisl services as in my experience it only gets harder. Dementia has a physical element as well as a mental one and the sooner you can get support in place the better.

I know this is hard for you and your family and wish luck.