What do I sacrifice?

[ohhahhh789]

So me and my bf have been together for 2 years. We have sadly been extremely bad at talking about how we feel and what we want. We have now realised this and are trying really hard to address it. Basically I want us to start thinking about living together.... Keith a view to moving in together in the next 12-18 months. He's saying he's not saying no to living together but didn't anticipate we would move in together whilst his kids are young (they are 12 and 14). He can't give a timescale when he would want to. He says he definitely wants to be with me and loves me etc but doesn't think he will be able to shift on this.
For context we both own our own houses, we live 30 mins apart, have kids who live between us and their other parent and I work 30 mins in the opposite direction to the way he lives. For all these reasons, moving I. Together would never be an easy task and would need a lot of planning.
I don't know what to do....do we walk away because we want different things, as I know I'll never be fully happy living separately. Or do u sacrifice this for our relationship? Is it really worth throwing a relationship away for? I'm not sure what to do. My head says I should walk away but then I worry I'll regret it given that I do love him and want to be with him what would other people do?

I thought you were going to say his children were younger than that. Have you met them? If he's not willing to compromise that would be a deal breaker for me, you're asking to be living together within 4 years of dating that's not too fast. Also is his name Keith by any chance?

Well I'm not the one to give advice really as I don't see the point in living together. But he sounds nice

Not sure why you would be so keen to live together if things are going well as they are. It would be cheaper, but you don't sound as though money's a problem. You lose your independence, you take on extra household duties. Someone else to clear up after and whose socks to wash. Probably football to deal with? The romance soon dies.. I'm with him on this one!

If you won’t be happy living apart that’s your answer. You shouldn’t stay with someone who isn’t right just because you’re afraid of being alone.

OP I'm 10 years into your situation and we're still living apart, 3 streets away. I wish I had walked away when we had the initial 'when the kids are older' discussion as the being in a relationship but sleeping on my own most nights has broken me

I would imagine living with someone who has young teenagers would be extremely challenging ... how old are your own children? Very hard to ‘blend’ families (look at all the step parent threads on here), regardless of where the children actually call ‘home’. It sounds as though he is prioritising his own children which is absolutely right.

I would examine why you are so anxious about wanting to live together. Many people, especially those with children, have very good relationships but don’t live together.

No he's not called Kieth!!

Yes I've met his kids quite a few times. They apparently are happy with our relationship.
They aren't challenging. They are really good kids. The younger one does have the potential to become challenging though as she gets older but of course I'd be happy to keep it under review as things progress in our relationship and spend more time together..I would expect it to happen if there were issues with the kids and it looked like it wasn't going to work.

I've thought about the positives of not living together and there are many! Yes it's good to still have my independence, time on my own, not be responsible for someone else etc. But overall I do want to see the person I'm with every day, come home to them every day, share my life with that person etc.

Not wanting to end the relationship and wondering whether I should sacrifice this isn't about the fear of being alone. It's about me really loving this person, having a good relationship and wondering whether you should end it for something like this.

I was once in a similar situation to you. We moved I together when his DC were 14 and 12, mine were 13 and 11. It was extremely difficult and we went out separate ways after 2 years. Our relationship was great before we moved in together, but we found all we did was argue about the kids. My advice would be to stay as you are for the foreseeable future.

In his shoes I wouldn’t want to live together either. Too much upheaval for the kids with no benefit at all to them. Just enjoy the relationship, it sounds great as it is.

In your situation I can see why he would think that living separately would be better. I think combining children can be very tricky and they’d all have to make adjustments that might not necessarily be fair for them and the teenage years are the trickiest time for this.
I also think that a relationship before you live together is in some ways much better as there’s not the domestic drudgery and you get time to yourself.
If this is the only thing that makes you question the relationship then I’d stay with him on the basis that at some point you will live together.

Yes maybe living separate isn't a bad thing. I suppose living together is my 'ideal' but I know deep down that it probably wouldn't be that easy. I suppose I need to have a chat with him about what our relationship will look like if we don't live together. If we are more integrated and still spend quite a bit of time together then maybe I'd feel ok about it.

Do his children live with him full time? If not, is it a possibility that he could stay at your house when his children are with their mother.

I know how you feel OP. The idea of living together and being a 'proper family' is great and I can totally understand why you want that. I did too. However, the reality of dealing with other people's teenagers is not much fun! Also, when you've livid alone for a while, it's really difficult to get used to someone else's ways of doing things. Honestly, you're better off as you are. Extracting myself from the situation when I realised it wasn't working cost me a fortune. Luckily it didn't damage my relationship with my DC, but it could well have done.

No they don't live with him full time. Yes I suppose that's one option, staying with me when his kids aren't with him but he works a shift pattern and has the kids around that so we wouldn't really be any better off because of how his shifts fall. It would work out that he'd be at mine all day whilst I was at work, or sleeping at mine all day (when he's on nights) when he has his own house sat empty!! He wouldn't be keen on that! There is a possibility that he may be going on to days in a few months time and if that happens, that could be much more of an option.