DS's meltdowns - I'm at my wits end (posting for traffic)

[alltheteainchinajustisntenough]

Hi,

I'm here as I've got no idea where else to ask for help so I wondered if anyone had any advice on this. I've NC'd as, frankly, I'm really ashamed that I'm in this position and feel that this is happening because I've done something wrong along the way.

DS is 5 and in reception. A very lively, very happy, cheeky boy. Enormously loving, kind, adoring of his DS and of me and DH. Is very considerate, very sweet and tells us often he loves us etc.

Until the meltdowns happen......

I've just got no idea how to describe them other than absolute hell. It's like Bana turning into the Hulk. For the most part, these happen during specific 'times'; generally around tiredness, or heightened excitement, so it seems to be about regulating emotions - think school pickup (always in front of 100+ other parents so I feel like the worst parent in the world.....), when we're at home after school or at a party or a playdate etc.

This week, I've just had my fill of it. On Wednesday after school, I had to drag him through the playground kicking and screaming because we had to get to DDs swimming lesson so there was no time to play after school with his friends. This is the case every week so it was no surprise to him. It got to the point where all I could do was put him in the car, close the doors (we have an MPV style where the kids can stand up), and stand outside until he calmed down. In that time frame, he kicked the hell out of the car console (where the temp gauges are etc) to the extent it needs professional repairs (I cant strap him in as he can just undo the straps). All the time, DD and I are standing outside the car, both close to tears, just feeling like I want the world to swallow us all up.

Tonight, we were leaving school and he fell. He was a little upset so I got down, face to face (like all the help books tell you to do) and asked him if he was okay, and he punched me in the face.

When we got home, he was still 'in it' and started throwing drinks bottles and toys etc. at the wall, so I picked him up, carried him upstairs to his room away from his DS. I knelt down again, and explained I understood he was angry but this wasn't acceptable behaviour (trying very bloody hard to stick to the words EVERYTHING I read says I should say) and he says 'I'm going to punch you in your stupid face.' I said that was really unkind and really upsetting to hear, and so, of course, he kicked me in the stomach full pelt. I was genuinely winded and collapsed to the floor, and basically just burst into tears. He then just collapsed into tears screaming 'sorry Mummy, sorry, I'm so sorry' which just breaks my heart and threw himself on me in a hug and a cuddle and just sobbed for about ten minutes. Then he went and got a toy bear from his room he's had since a baby and gave it to me with a hug, and he's been clung to my side ever since.

But i'm just at my absolute wits end with all of this. These are just a couple of examples but this stuff pretty much happens every day. I have no idea how to manage it and I don't know how to cope anymore. I'm in floods of tears. I feel like every minute of my day is spent worrying about when the next explosion will be. Every party we go to (which in reception class seems to be at least twice a month) I'm terrified at what moment things will kick off. Just being at home and making dinner I'm petrified about what will happen between now and bed time.

We've tried everything going; timeouts, rewards charts, time-in, distraction etc...... I don't know what's left to do.....

My DH works away, so is only around at weekends, and these meltdowns are literally always directed at me. I've spoken to school who have said that although he can get quite visibly cross and frustrated, they've had no issues like this, and frankly, I'm too ashamed to discuss it with anyone I know IRL because I feel like such a failure.

I had PND after both births and I think I've just been getting it all wrong from the start. Despite the PND, I've always been really loving and cuddly with them both and DD doesn't react this way at all when she gets cross so I don't know what's driving it. I'm not a smacker, but when I get really frustrated I have yelled occasionally, but I try really hard not to, but I just don't know how to manage this kind of explosive behaviour, and the anger and aggression that comes with it.

I know every child has meltdowns, I do. But these just seem so much worse, and so frequent, compared to anything else I've seen or hear from other parents. I just don't know where to find advice or actually speak to someone who can give me some help to make a plan/strategy I can use consistently and make effective. I've read all the books under the sun, and I just can't seem to make a change. I'm just emotionally drained by it, as I suspect is he, and I just want to help him.

I'm also worrying that by not getting this under control I'm totally fucking up his emotions for later life by not helping him learn any self-control.....

Does anyone, have ANYTHING they could suggest? I've tried contacting a few local child behaviour therapists/psychologists and none have come back to me.

Sorry to say, but you can described my ds, who has asd. He has all the same good loving caring traits, and also the meltdowns around transitioning etc.
His behaviour is not your fault and you should speak to your gp to see if an assessment is required and what supports/advice you can get.
The thing is that with a child with asd, the usual parenting advice of getting down to their level when they have a meltdown doesn't work. They aren't having a tantrum, they are having a meltdown and in that moment can't process their emotions or what you are saying.
For me, I have to leave ds alone until he has calmed down and then talk to him about it once he is calm.
When leaving places I have to give him plenty of warning and promoting e.g. "we'll be leaving in half an hour", "we'll be leaving in 20 mins" and continue the countdown and it seems that following this there is less of a reaction when it is time to go.
Luckily there is a song that is ds calm down song, so once we get to the car I start driving and this song is on repeat until I know he's calmed down.
If we're at home I would need to leave the room until he is calmed down, putting his fave program on the tv before I leave the room and usually it catches his attention and he'll end up sitting down and watching it and calming down.
When he is calmed down, then we talk it all through and discuss what has happened, never when he is in a distressed state.
But again I just want to say it does sound like you are doing a really good job as a parent and please don't blame yourself for this.

The explosive child is a useful book took. My DS1 was like this, snack straight away is spot on. Generally, anything you say at the time, even careful parenting expert scripts, will make things worse, a child in a meltdown cannot process anything, so be a silent but reassuring presence. I had to stop my tendency to want to chat at pick up, just appear with a snack and a smile and not bother with pleases and thank yous.
DS is 20 now, and he still tends to get cross when under stress, tired and hungry etc. But if given space will always calm down and apologise, he has not hit anyone since he was about 10 and is good at taking himself away when tensions rise.
I did not always cope well with his mega tantrums, I smacked him more than once and manhandled him into his room too, far from ideal but it did not ruin our relationship because I always talked and apologised when we calmed down and viewed his ability to manage emotions as a work in progress rather than him being " broken".
I suspect he had autism traits by the way, his brother has a diagnosis ( ironically he NEVER loses his temper!) And has to work harder to cope with ordinary social interactions, he certainly found school and work exhausting.

Pick him up last.
Feed him immediately he comes out of school. (Sugar and carbs)
Make him runaround the field a couple of times.. this would make you earlier to swimming than waiting for the meltdowns to pass.
Give him a heavy backpack to carry to the car.
Put DD in the car safely, hold ds firmly, rock in one plane, do not talk. Make sure you hold him in a way that protects you from attack. Head butts and scratches to the face hurts
Do not get in his face... He reacts badly to that.
Learn from the stuff you try.
Not unusual to be walloped when they have hurt themselves...take precautionary steps.
Reduce the sensory input.

Finally consider seeking advice regarding an autism diagnosis..or something else, as this not normal behaviour.

Oh my gosh you poor thing. That sounds utterly draining for you to deal with, not just the tantrums but as you say the whole "walking on eggshells" part in case another one is brewing.

Some really good advice (as usual) from the posters on here, my son's triggers are definitely hunger and tiredness, or God forbid both at the same time at which point I know I'm fucked!

I've also heard the Stress Bucket theory, they hold it in and cope all day and then it explodes once they are with the person that they feel most comfortable with. Unfortunately that's you and you get the full force of it.

You sound like you're doing everything right and trying so hard. Hang in there.

First of all, massive hug because have been in a pretty similar situation and it is really really hard. Really fucking hard. To make you feel better from the start, our DS is 8 now and you wouldn't know he had ever had an issue on that scale.
Our problems started when he started school, and we also felt it was related to being emotional or times of hunger/stress, plus at 4 being too young for the structure of the environment we put him in. I used to be at work waiting for the dreaded call to go and pick him up. It got to the stage where the private school he was in basically told us they thought he was autistic and we had to take him out of the school. Looking back they dealt with it atrociously as we got absolutely zero support from them and we had no idea what was going wrong. It was terrifying. We saw a psychologist with him and they could not identify any traits of autism. Thankfully we knew a teacher in the local primary school and so he went there, but on his first day we got a call to say he had bitten a teacher. He ended up in a behavioural unit outside of mainstream school. We've never felt like such shitty parents. It nearly broke us at its worst.
However, within weeks (even days) the work they did there with him turned him around, and they gave us tools to help manage his behaviour at home. This mainly consisted of a traffic light system, whereby he got two warnings, then was on amber and then red. A reward system alongside aimed to keep him on green. We decided with their input that the problems stemmed from his emotional immaturity, combined with the death of his grandfather and our different parenting styles (one too soft, one too strict). With consistency with that system he quite quickly went back into mainstream school. It literally felt like they saved us and we are forever indebted to those wonderful teachers! We've all three of us worked extremely hard since then in the last three/four years, him on managing his anger and us on meeting somewhere in the middle with our parenting styles, and he is like a different boy now. We moved to Scotland and he started P1 there, and has fitted in no problems with absolutely minimal behavioural issues. Now at home he still has occasional angry outbursts but these are not violent and we just leave him to calm down before talking it through. Very occasionally I'll give him a warning or two and that tends to nip things in the bud. I also must admit that at the beginning I would sometimes react with anger at his behaviour, I think out of the embarrassment of having to turn up to the posh school when he'd done something dreadful. This is definitely not the right thing to do. Compassion, empathy and love love love are the way forward, although it is really difficult sometimes to bite your tongue and swallow your pride.
I think what worked was having ultra consistent boundaries, so he knew where he stood at all times in all situations. Also agree with above advice re:snacks and setting expectations ahead of time.
Please know there is light at the end of the tunnel, accessing the right support is vital and look carefully at yourself and your husband, as in our experience we were a big part of the problem. I dont know if these behavioural units exist in your neck of the woods but it saved us and our family.
Good luck, you are not alone! 💐

Definitely agree with others about involving specialists. Look at the responses here, no one is judging you, this could be any of us either now or in the future. Please don’t let embarrassment stop you and your son getting that help and support. Something is underneath the anger (physical/psychological/social), you both deserve help and support. No shame, these are tough circumstances.

I feel for you! We’ve had similar with DS, now 8. I have a LOT of mud on the inside roof of my car as he kicks the shit out of it after school some days.

When he’s having a meltdown, do you think he still has control over his actions? Like, if it started over you saying No to an ice cream, would he calm down if you gave him one? Does he thrash out/attack without any concern for his own safety, so does he hold back at all so he doesn’t get hurt himself? The reason i ask is that my DS is autistic, and in meltdown, he is not ‘present’. His rage is all consuming, and just has to blow itself out, like a tornado.
Neurotypical children do have meltdowns, and do lose control, so i’m not trying to diagnose your child over the internet! Some autism parents will insist that NT children only have tantrums (ie can choose to stop), but we’ve all seen NT children reach a point of no return where their brains just short circuit and they lose control.
But, it’s worth considering that he may have some issues that he has to cope with all day at school (sensory processing, over stimulation etc) and when he gets out and sees you - his safe place - he explodes as he knows he doesn’t have to hold it in anymore. I know that my son masks his difficulties being ‘good’ all day at school, and is often a little shit for me the second i collect him.

We now know that DS fits a PDA profile of High Functioning Autism, which for him means he reacts with high stress responses to normal requests like ‘DS go wash your hands’. So after all these years, we now know to rephrase to ‘Kids its handwashing time, lets all go’. Small differences.
A lot of our understanding of DS’s issues came from a private Occupational Therapy assessment (£250), which analysed a lot of his behaviour. I’d highly recommend it. We also saw a private Child Psych, as he was hurting his younger brother a lot at the time.

I learnt how to restrain my DS safely when he was small, but unfortunately he’s now too big for me to hold safely, and the last time i tried that method i got a split lip.
It’s really hard to advise as he’s no doubt completely different to my DS, but for me it boils down to giving him a safe space and teaching him safer ways to cope with frustration/anger.
These days i (try to!) keep my voice calm and low, speak as little as possible, hold him still if possible, and when calmed down i explain that it’s not ok to treat people like that (without blaming him, as that builds up shame, which ruins his trust).
It’s completely counterintuitive to how i was parented, but i’ve had to try really hard to combat aggression with comfort.
I hope that makes sense.

Oh I recognise the shutting my son in the car to keep him safe. He was like a volcano.
Please try and contact other therapists or the GP. I was told my son had attachment difficulties so we did 9 months of play therapy together which helped me see things from his perspective and how small and confused he was.
My son was also diagnosed with autism aged 8, as we thought he'd grow out of it and didn't (he graduated from punching me in the face to wake me up to stomping in our room at 5am talking at full volume as he didn't realise everyone else didn't want to get up at the same time as him).
We do all the countdowns, visual timetables, it has helped a lot.

@Stifledlife sorry to jump on but that's amazing advice about the stress bucket and it totally makes sense! As adults if we have days where everything seems to go wrong eventually we tend to over react over what would seem to others as little or silly things. However on a different day these things may not bother us at all or be a minor inconvenience. I will be remembering this when my son has his meltdowns

Thanks all, so much helpful advice - I’ve only skim-read thus far (epic bedtime played out this evening) so going to stick the kettle on and have a good read through! And, although I’m saddened to hear other kids, and families, have experienced the same, I’m really comforted that I’m not alone and really touched you’ve all taken the kind time to respond - thank you xxxx

Nothing useful to add but wanted to offer you a massive hug - you sound such a lovely thoughtful parent and if I had to go through what you described once never mind every day I'd be a mess - you're amazing and the love you feel for your little boy is palpable. I so hope you find a solution! Good luck and enjoy your

Have you had him assessed for autism? It sounds a lot like children I’ve known who have ASD diagnosis. Is it all transitions that cause him anxiety?

Don’t beat yourself up, not all children need the same approach and you’re working hard.

@VforViennetta I think PDA fits my DS best out the various Autism diagnosis, I didn't come across it 15 years ago unfortunately, DS has always hated any demands, when he was little he hated adults asking him his name or to smile for photos! Unfortunately it is still difficult to get him to do anything that's not his idea and high school was not easy. He has just left a job after 9 months, his boss was incompetent 🙄. It's not easy but he is still getting better at life and progressing but I hope he doesn't get married until he is at least 40!

Sounds like my DD at that age. I think I bought every parenting book ever written and tried it all, but nothing worked. I felt like the worst parent in the world. She was diagnosed with autism when she was 15, following 15 years of hell.

Thankfully DS was diagnosed at 4 because of DD's diagnosis. This has enabled us to put strategies in place to make sure it never kicks off. Sometimes these might not look the best from an NT perspecitve, but if it gets you through the day and keeps you all sane ... .

For example in the getting to swimming example, if that were my DS I'd tell him before school that on pick up today there'd be a kinder egg in the car for him. He wouldn't forget that and he'd be in the car quick as lightening once he was let out. But I'd try not to have such a quick transition in the first place because I know he can't cope with needing to hurry to get somewhere.

Thanks everyone once again for your amazing comments.

In answer to a few of your responses, no, I’ve not had any assessments for SEN or Autism etc. Mostly because he meets every milestone, school are very happy and he is for the most-part, a delight. His speech came quite early and he is very articulate - we talk a lot, just lots of chatter and chit chat etc, games and reading, but there is definitely something going ‘wrong’ when it comes to emotional regulation and at times of anger or excitement he just can’t cope - I’m between these times he’s absolutely angelic (almost ;) ) but I will certainly take your advice and pursue all of your suggestions because even though at this stage I can’t make a leap/connection into autism it’s definitely worth looking into, even if just for elimination.

DH arrived home about an hour ago after his week so I’ve been filling him in and we’re both aware we manage these moments differently - but we both agree we need to do something proactive to make some changes so will be on the case with everything suggested here. Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me. It honestly does make a big difference to know other people understand xxx

Just for a slightly different experience, one of mine had mega-tantrums until she was about 8 years old, to which it appeared no negative consequences worked. Over time, we worked on labelling emotions, doing an emotion diary (what 3 things made you happy today, what three things made you sad or upset) and finally we hit on something she really cared about- which was gaming time, and so for every time she threw/hit something, she lost a day on the computer which at the time seemed a huge big deal. This really brought her up short that something had to change! She grew out of this phase and into a very easy-going by comparison teenager with no major anger issues.

I have no idea why it took her longer to learn emotional regulation and not to lash out til much later than most but it doesn't always indicate special needs although of course it can as well.

From reading this it sounds like one of his triggers is transitions?

My DS was like this. We'd have to carry him out of the playground punching us and screaming. His nursery teacher suggested using a timer, and it's been transformative. When we know we need to leave, we set a timer on our phone for say, 15 minutes, tell him and then let him press the stop button when it beeps. It took a while to catch on but now it has it's great. He also asks us to put the timer on for five minutes as a subtle way of telling us he's tired of something.

We also give him warnings when it's 10 minutes, 5 minutes etc. He sometimes comes over to check himself how long he has left by looking at the countdown.

Food diary. Www.fedup.com.au.

Pretty much described my son who is autistic.

Have a look into the stress bucket and masking. Its usually avoidable if you know what the triggers are but sometimes they aren't. Also talk to your school senco or the GP if they aren't seeing these issues at school (very common)

Things that helped enormously are 1 minute warnings..so we do 1 more minute and then 1 more minute has finished and we stp. Took 2 months to work but now it's like a magical spell. Also sensory triggers look out for, too hot or cold, the wind or rain or maybe a coat or some food. Sometimes it's unexplainable just a smuch to the child as it is to the parent and they won't know why they burst but it's like a bottle of coke being shook up all day with demands at school and when he sees you (his safe person) he explodes. My son only behaves this way to me because I'm his safety person he knows he doesn't need to hold his emotions in so unfortunately sometimes let's loose.

If his triggers are transitions, warnings and even photos might help to remind him. Be very clear and also follow through with the countdown otherwise it doesn't work.
Also sand timers or timers on phones work great if he is able to grasp that, he could keep checking the time then and when it's done, it's done.

I know how it feels and it sucks! X