Sorry such long post but don’t want to drop so best try to explain full story...
I’m looking for advice on how to deal with a “mean girl” who i want to cut out my life.
For simplicity I will call her MG (mean girl, not initials!!)
MG is SIL best friend and has been for years. SIL and I had mutual friends in common since we were teens and MG was always part of the wider group. This is how I met DH. We are not so young anymore so this wider group of lots of friends has shrunk and I have 2 close friends from this time, and in the same way SIL stayed best friends with MG.
I have always disliked MG but put up with her the way I think a lot of girls put up with mean girls when we were young, but even back then she was always nasty and found a way to always bully the quiet girls or leave people out / cause drama.
Me and SIL are friends and get on as family but we have never been best friends and that’s fine for both of us - we live on the same street and spend a lot of time together with her and DP, me and DH and all DCs who love being close to their cousins, but I have my own friends and she has hers.
About a year before DH and I got married, MG had a very quick engagement and quickie wedding to DH’s best friend (they are now divorced, and no DCs so no longer in contact). But DH was best man at the wedding so I spent time with MG at the time as our partners were spending so much time together - but then MG did not invite me her hen do!!
Other stuff on top of the snub to her hen - she once told SIL I was talking to my ex online and planning a weekend away to cheat, told SIL that DH and having trouble TTC (we have 3 DC and don’t want any extras!!!!)when round at friends for lunches / bbq’s she does things like “accidentally throws my drink away”, tells my DCs embarrassing stories about stuff I did as a teen. She talks about me and others behind their backs constantly, SIL just rolls her eyes and shrugs it off and says she’s always been that way and not to take it personally.
When SIL has gatherings etc at her home, DH and I’s first question is always “Will MG be there?” And sometimes we make excuses not to go places because we are too tired of her.
About a month ago, her ex got engaged and getting married next year, with DH being best man (again!) - wedding abroad so we are going for a week with DCs and making holiday - and since then any time I’ve seen MG she has made comments that I have “clearly picked sides” and “shown my true colours”.
I have never really understood why SIL is still her friend when she’s so nasty about others. And I don’t take it personally because she clearly has nothing better to do and must be insecure.
But SIL is getting married in September and MG is MOH and planning the hen do. I found out from mutual friend this week that all the plans had been booked like activities/ restaurant, and I have not been invited. It is a surprise for SIL so I can’t tell her I have been snubbed. Thankfully the mutual friend added me to the fb group and MG commented saying “oh I didn’t know you wanted to come, I suppose I can change plans”
DH and I decided that after the wedding we will have nothing more to do with her and make it clear to SIL that we don’t want to be around her / have the kids around her again.
AIBU about this? Do we all have those people who are friends / family that we need to put up with it? Am I overreacting and letting her get to me?
I don’t mean we will keep doing what we are doing by choosing to avoid her - I mean I will say to SIL that I think MG is toxic and I don’t want my DCs around her or to spend another second in her company after the wedding. And if MG finds out then I will also happily tell her this.
I worry this might create a drama that MG will love and give her ammo to play victim or make it about taking sides with her ex.