I am recently in a majorly bad spell of mental health and was discussing with my therapist things that happened in my last that I felt ashamed of.
First was when I was 18. My brothers best friend. Picked me up from a party and offered me a drink (I presumed was spiked) kept saying to him I don't want to have sex. But woke up/drifted in and out of consciousness to him (this is vile please excuse the phrase here) fingering me. I didn't feel physically violated the next day but felt a bit guilty that I hadn't left his house when I wanted a taxi. He said he booked one but it never came.
The second was with my ex boyfriend. He knew extensively the stuff that had gone on above. At the beginning of our relationship he wouldn't have sex with me if I ws drunk. After we broke up, he saw me at a party very intoxicated. I had drank heavily and was also smoking weed. He came back to minem it was quite obvious I was drunk but so was he. We ended up having sex, but he was very violent. I remember thinking that I couldn't move my body and he kept holding my face down. I woke up with a bloodied nose, and a large bruise on my face and deep scratches on my breasts. I also had vaginal bleeding for a couple of days. I did tell him I was shocked by what happened but he said I liked rough which I accepted because we had always been quite rough with each other. But this felt different and clumps of my hair were missing etc. He said it had been more passionate because he thought it was the last time we would have sex.
I'm in my mid 20s and I feel like damaged goods. I haven't had a relationship since my ex two years ago.
My therapist said these are sexual assaults and would link heavily to my feelings of depression ocd and disassociation... But I can't help but feel like it's been exaggerated? Surely I would have felt the effects immediately after and not many years after?