Do I want another baby?

[Idontlikecheesecake]

Posting on here for traffic. I know ultimately its mine and my partner’s decision, but I feel torn between wanting to further my career and having another baby.

My partner says he only wants one child, but he’s started saying we will talk about having another when he’s finished training (finishes uni in September) and he has a job lined up. He says we have had bery different experiences of having a baby - I had all the cuddles, and she would scream until she was sick (and then carry on screaming) whenever he held her. This went on for about 2 months.

I have always said I want another when my first is 3. Currently paying £308 a month in childcare (for 2 days a week), so I want a few months of not paying that before I have another (with the 30 hours funding)

I have an opportunity to start teacher training, which is full time, (no way around the hours right now). My partner thinks baby number 1 is too young to be away from me right now and I should wait until she’s at school. If I have another baby, that will meaning waiting another 4 or so years before I can start. It’s really something I want to do.

Im 29. Should I have another baby and put my life on hold a bit longer? Should I have a bigger age gap than I intended? Or should I keep my first born as an only child?

Can anyone help me see what it would be like? Benefits and negatives to each scenario? Right now im just thinking she needs sibling/s to play with. Thank you

Children don't need siblings to play with, friends are fab for that. You need to make the decision based on what you and DH want. You should only bring a child into the world if it YOU want another child not for your DD

Teacher training is full-on, but so is your nqt year, and the years after that, when you may be putting in a lot of hours to get promoted.
I did teacher training at 27 and worked bloody hard for years. As a result, I met dh at 36 and had baby no 1 at 41. I wish I had done it sooner. Teacher training will always be there. If you complete your family now, you won't have to break off for maternity leave later.
Just my opinion, of course it is entirely up to you. Many people make it work whatever stage they are at.

Liverbird77..I too had DS at 41. We met at 33 but life didn't work out for us in terms of jobs and being able to afford a home. Now
DH is currently starting teacher training..He's 45 and with one DC we now have run out of time for a second as I'm 47.

OP, You most certainly have time on your side and yes as a pp says, decide for you, not your DD. Good luck x

If you can afford to have 2 children now then I would do it. You don't want to leave it too long, you might never get around to having a second child if you leave it. How long will you training take?

I dont think waiting until your child is at school to train makes much sense. It wont be easier- pick ups at 3pm, home work, school assembly's and fairs/fetes etc...
What is stopping you from training now?- if just your partner he needs to step up and spend more time with your LO, it sounds like shes not as used to him to scream so much.

As for the age gap- I think this generation is way too obsessed with a 2.5/3 year age gap. Siblings can still be close with 5 year age gaps.
Personally I wouldnt want an only child, (assuming you medically and financially have more children), way too much pressure to constantly entertain one and make play dates as they get older etc.

Yes you do have to put in loads more work with an only in terms of playing with or arranging play dates. But I know mums of two or more who say they sometimes wish they'd stopped at one as they constantly have to sort out arguments! It's what you make it I think.

We just have one.

Life is bloody busy. I'm constantly run off my feet. I honestly don't know how I would cope with two.

We both have jobs that we really enjoy and a pretty good work/life balance and wouldn't want to compromise on that.

Yes we have to play with and entertain our child, perhaps more than we would if we had two. But it's still a long slog to get to the point where they can play together, then there's the refereeing arguments or they just might not get on.

Plus they still need and want your time. I don't think it's realistic to think that if you have more than one that you can just take a back seat and they will happily entertain each other all the time.

Friends who have two or more have reliably informed me that they spend a LOT of time dealing with fall outs.

A family member has three kids and it's not pleasant. The fighting, screaming, the parents are totally overwhelmed and miserable.

I've definitely thought about having another, mostly for my child's sake, which just seems crazy when I'm thinking more rationally.

There are so many reasons for me not to. I hated pregnancy, traumatic labour, PND and have just found the whole thing bloody hard. My relationship suffered too. I just had no interest in him and mostly just felt pissed off all the time for about the first three years.

Having said that, they are awesome at 4.5 yes old. Things are finally becoming fantastic. I feel very happy with life right now.

I guess I just don't feel that I want to dedicate another god knows how many years to raising another child. There are other things I'd rather do with my life. Work, expensive hobby, travel and most importantly, dedicate myself completely to the one I have.

They have a great social life and we see friends with kids and their cousins most weekends. Yes it's an effort but I'm more than happy to do it as I like seeing people and I like to see my child having a good time.

It's a difficult decision if you're on the fence about it, but don't discount your husbands feelings. Your child will be absolutely fine if they are an only. However you may find yourself resentful if you have another as you both sound like you want to concentrate on your careers. You are still very young though so if I were you, I'd press on with your career plans and possibly have another with a larger age gap.

Sorry for the essay

I did teacher training with two young children and it was very very hard on everyone. I fell pregnant in my NQT year which is also not advisable!
When I try to make a decision I always think ‘which choice can I deal with regretting later?’ That usually leads me to realise what is more important.

@duffbeer I really needed to hear this. Your experience is eerily similar to mine and now dd is over 1 I have been grappling with feelings of guilt that I should 'give' her a sibling. But...i dont want another baby! Life is hard enough for us with one. I had been wrestling with trying to put into writing why I feel dread rather than joy at the prospect of a second and you've done it for me. Thank you!

I'm coming to the end of my pgce year, with 6 dc. Youngest is reception age. It's been great, but hard going.
Next year will be tougher I expect. I am lucky that my main placement has been at my child's school, which has been a god send with child care etc.
All that can be sorted, but do not underestimate the support you will need from dh. It will only work with young kids if you have back up imo.

I recommend the books (audiobooks borrowed from library in my case):

I know how she does it
A uterus is a feature not a bug.

They are very inspiring for mothers who want to be great parents and have fabulous careers.... believe it or not, having more kids makes you grow through all the challenges hence better at your job xx

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I am feeling better about only having the one child if it comes to it. It will take me a minimum of 2 years to 4.5 years, depending on the programme i go for (MSc, training through work, or BSc) I already have a degree and don’t feel confident converting it into something I could teach so I’d rather start again than do a PGCE

*@Gigis
*
I'm glad it helped. I feel like there is a big social pressure to have more than one. Plus the worry of 'will they be ok?' 'Will I regret it?'

I've had to really talk myself down at times - life is too short to spend worrying about everything. I have one healthy, happy, great kid. That's so much more than a lot of people have.

Two close friends of mine are also only children - they have also opted to stick at 1 with no regrets whatsoever.

If YOU want another baby (as it sounds like you'll be the one doing all the hard graft) then I would do that first and "get it out of the way" so to speak. That's what I did. Had my two 15 months apart and while it was tough as hell the first year, the youngest is only 20 months and it's already paying off in that they don't need my attention half as much and are happy to potter around playing side by side. I appreciate that won't necessarily be the case for all siblings though.

As for education I had just started a two year masters in a completely different field when I found out I was pregnant with DD1 (unplanned). I had originally intended on working for at least 2-3 years after graduation to build up some experience before having children.

So we decided to have them in quick succession while I was already in the baby zone and get the two newborn stages out of the way so I could then focus on my new career and not have to take maternity leaves etc. I completed the masters when I was pregnant with DD2 and was raring to get to work when she turned one.

Obviously it's hard to juggle all with two DC - especially since mine is an industry where juniors are expected to sell their soul in order to progress, but I'm loving it right now. I found the baby stage pretty hellish both times and need the intellectual stimulation, so the masters kept me going and gave me a focus/something to look forward to when I was bored out of my mind with DD1. It was nice to have something new to work towards and not get lost in the whole "mummy" thing.

That all probably sounds very cold and calculated - I promise I'm nice and love my children dearly

Please don’t underestimate the demands of teacher training with young children. I did it with a 1 yr old and a 5 yr old and it wasn’t a good experience at all. My advice would seriously be have another baby (if you want one) and wait to do teacher training until they are older! Just my opinion but honestly teacher training was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

@Duffbeer.. I really needed to hear this too! You write a very good post! Plus totally agree with the following...

Plus they still need and want your time. I don't think it's realistic to think that if you have more than one that you can just take a back seat and they will happily entertain each other all the time

DH is starting teacher training right now and we have a 5 yo DS. We were ttc dc2 but no luck and now I'm 47 and DH now has to concentrate on his course so dc2 is not gonna happen. We have more or less accepted it. So my advice would be the same as @autumnnightsaredrawingin. Concentrate on ttc now and then pursue careers later. You're never too old either. DH has been successful and he's 45!
Good luck x

I'm finding it hard enough with one. I reckon an increasing number of families are 1 child nowadays. I fought with my only sibling until they moved out so it might just be more trouble.... don't have a baby just for DD sake

I have two (age 1+3).

Two is amazing. Much better than one. But definitely more work. Now I really want a third (I'm 40!) but can't decide whether to go for it or not.
I have a very very demanding stressful job and work 3 days / week. DH works full time. We have no family help. It is a massive struggle but I love them so much, it makes me want more.

However you are very young and time is very much on your side. So why rush any decision?

I wasn’t at all sure about no 2. My DH was very keen but I found it very hard physically.

We have no2 now and there’s a 5 year gap. I have no idea how it’s possible, but my older son adores his baby ‘bro’ - he plays with him, cuddles him, wants to actively spend time with him. I thought the 5 year gap meant I’d missed that.

I know plenty with siblings close together and they detest each other.

Have your child/children when it suits YOU and your partner - they’re not for your other child.