To have lied about this?

[RellaU]

My partner of 6 months has asked a pretty intrusive question of whether I slept with a particular person. He knows of this person but had no actual reason to ask. This happened over a year before I met him.

I told him nothing happened but he knows it's not true. I'm beating myself up for just not being honest in the first place but he put me on the spot unexpectedly. Now I look like I'm a dishonest person when it's the only thing I've not been honest about.

The man in question was someone I was in an abusive relationship with for 2 years. He got back in contact 18 months after we split and ended up staying with me for a couple of months as friends but things turned nasty. So my current BF wanted to know if anything happened in that time. It's something I'm ashamed of and had tried to forget ever happened.

NC for this.

Anyone?

Well if this was before your relationship with your current partner it isn't any of his business who you might or might not have slept with previously and he had no right to ask. I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate being interrogated about his previous relationships/experiences. Why should it matter to him whether you did or didn't sleep with this guy?

I think if you sat down with your bf and explained it how you have in your message he will understand. I would let him know you want to be honest with him but that it was a very difficult part of your life and if caught you off guard. I think if you can do that, at the right time for you, but sooner rather than later he will accept the reasoning rather than him asking you again another 6 months down the line and you giving a different answer.

You said he know's it's not true, why not just tell him exactly what you wrote in your last paragraph?

6 months isn't long, and to be honest it doesn't set it off very well if you lie to him, and he knows that you are.

It'll most likely take a weight off your shoulders by telling him, and he should be satisfied getting a proper answer x

You can't have a proper relationship with the person unless you're honest. Just tell your partner everything, calmly and honestly. Explain what you've said here and express your vulnerability. Apologise for lying.

He ought to be supportive and understanding given the circumstances but only if you tell him the truth immediately. If you sit on this for weeks you are being dishonest and you will break the trust.

If you tell him today, and he is accepting of you then your relationship will strengthen, the trusting bond will develop and you will move past this and feel much better. You would also be respecting him, which is essential in a healthy partnership. If you don't tell him then your relationship isn't real enough for you to be vulnerable with him, which means you're not being authentic around him, and it's only going to go down hill.

There's a good book called 'How to be an Adult in Relationships' by David Richo which you might find useful as someone previously in an abusive relationship. It's on Amazon.

Edit what you've said above and send it him via message or email? Say you were put on the spot and panicked, that you don't want to lie so you're setting the record straight.

@RellaU

I think honesty is the best policy - usually, but I would be more concerned about why he wanted to know.

I assume he knows about this ex, and that he was abusive etc, as you say he knows you got back together for 2 months and it turned nasty, and your partner wants to know if you had sex in that 2 months.

Why? Why does he want to know?

Sorry if I wasn't clear. He got a bit funny with me last night and was the same this morning so I asked what was wrong. He said he didn't feel like I'd been straight with him. I then said everything I've said on here and he said he's trying to understand why I wasn't straight immediately. He has said it wouldn't have been a big deal if I'd just said the truth.

I'm just beating myself up as we are quite close and have shared a lot of our pasts already. I feel bad that I've put his trust at risk. I'm worried that he might not get past this as honesty is something we have both said is very important to us.

Having said that, I wouldn't go asking them sort of questions as I know it's nothing to do with me and I'm not entitled to know every detail of his past and I wouldn't want to.

Also to add I kinda knew he was upset with what I said and I was trying to think of a way to tell him the truth today but we had the conversation before even getting out of bed. It's not me. I can't lie and hide stuff even though I didn't think it's right that he asked me.

He must have had a reason to ask?

For me if my dp was with someone, had a horrendous relationship with them. Then split, then let the move back in and and was sleeping with them. My concern would be that this is cycle that will continue and my dp found it too difficult to cut ties.

I would be thinking that you will end up going back to this person again. If your ex moves in and you sleep with them, it's not friends. Its getting back together.

Ita something I would want to know and understand if it was finally done before I loves our relationship forward.

Sort should have added, if he just wants to know because he thinks he has a right ro know about your previous partners, then I would be reconsidering the relationship.

Have you now cut contact with the ex?

The reason he asked was we were watching a programme on mental health and the topic came up of how I dealt with him in that situation as he knows he has MH issues.

It's been well over a year since any contact with him and there would never been any chance of that happening again.

Was his mental health the reason he moved back in?

No. He had nowhere else to go and I said I'd put him up. He took money from me and caused me many problems so I told him to leave.

I don't think you should be beating yourself up about this, if anything it's your current bf I'm doubtful of. Directly asking if you've slept with someone? Very intrusive. Now he's punishing you by sulking. What if you'd said it was none of his business (which it isn't), would he have been difficult about that too? Don't swap one abuser for someone who tries to control you in a different way - that is absolutely abuse too! He needs to respect your boundaries OP and I would tell him now that it's absolutely none of his business, he shouldn't be putting you on the spot with instrusive questions, and if he has any kind of problem with that then he's free to find someone else to be in a relationship with. I really would push back quite hard against this kind of thing. For me, it's a red flag.

You're damned either way. If you'd told him honestly when he asked, he wouldn't have liked it and he'd have sulked. Now, because you weren't strictly honest, he's sulking anyway. It seems he just wants to make you suffer. needtotalkaboutit is absolutely right. This is private, none of his business.

Why is he so bothered if you haven't seen your ex in a year? Does he think you're still carrying a torch? Sex with the ex that's a regrettable error almost as soon as its happened is such a common mistake. Sulking and not getting that you feel bad about it, isn't helpful. It's your ex, he needs to draw a line under it & maybe you do too now. I'd avoid rehashing it in future or it will loom larger than it needs to.

I'm with needtotalkaboutit. It's none of his damn business, OP, and his asking in the first place, and his behaviour since, doesn't put him in a good light. There's a reason why you didn't feel able to give him an honest answer.

Stop feeling guilty OP, he had NO RIGHT to even ask. It's NONE of his business.

He's going to hold this over you, you have a choice of how much you're going to put up with.

I'd actually just tell him you dont want to discuss previous partners or what you did with them.

I wouldn't apologise for being dishonest. It's none of his business and you are well within your rights not to tell him.

I'd leave it now. If he wants to sulk about you having a moment of defensiveness about a painful memory then he's an arsehole. You came clean so he has to accept it.

The AIBU question here is your current bf asking you such a personal and intrusive question. Especially as the context is abusive relationship + MH issues.

I would never ask my current partner (of ten years) questions about his previous sexual partners and I wouldn't expect him to ask me. We sometimes volunteer information to each other and have had jokey conversations about ex's but otherwise your bf is BU to be asking you. And he's definitely BU to sulk about the fact that you faltered over such an intrusive question.