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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my mum, and be a little sad about her family

26 replies

Alicewond · 17/05/2019 03:11

My mum was amazing, and loved her siblings and vice versa. She died of a long illness. But after her death her sister turned away from me and my sister as it hurt her to see us. My older brother still has a close relationship. I called so many times to be told she was busy and would call back. Never happened. She was my mums sister and best friend, is it my fault I remind her of her?

OP posts:
saraclara · 17/05/2019 03:27

Has your brother spoken to her about this? Ideally she needs to think about how your mum would feel to know that she's rejected you.

Original poster
Alicewond · 17/05/2019 03:33

My brother adores her, as he did my mum, he’s an amazing loving person who only sees the good in people. My aunt I always thought she’d be there, it’s not her fault I know, my voice on the phone sounds like my mums so she turns away for her own sake. She won’t visit my sister as she live in my mums house as it brings memories. I know all this, yet I remember my mums words to hat she would be there for us. My dads family were so we are ok. But I feel I’ve lost my mums connection. I’m probably being stupid

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AsleepAllDay · 17/05/2019 03:35

You're not being stupid - it's not your fault that she has chosen to pull away from you. It's sad that her inability to grieve - or rather, find closure from her grieving somehow - is costing your relationship.

Original poster
Alicewond · 17/05/2019 03:43

Our relationship is pretty much gone now, I’ve tried to call on so many occasions, but it’s always friendly for a few mins then I’ll call you back, never happens. I want to talk to her as she knew my mum the best. I was only young when I lost her. Maybe I was selfish, I gave up some years ago. But when my brother talks of their visits to him I feel so sad

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Myfoolishboatisleaning · 17/05/2019 03:57

I cannot understand people like this, especially after so many years. She is just making it all about her and that is incredibly weird in the circumstances.

Mothership4two · 17/05/2019 04:02

This is so sad for you all. I have to say I find it hard to understand her.

You could write a letter to her explaining how you feel. If she cannot bear to hear or see you, you could correspond by letter. I know its not the same but it would be something.

Maybe you just need to give her time and let her know your door is always open to her?

Original poster
Alicewond · 17/05/2019 04:04

@Myfoolishboatisleaning she was my mums best friend as well as sister. But she was so close to us. I never doubted she’d be there for us, it hurts. We were lucky, my dads family which is huge stepped up. I really couldn’t have wished for more support. But I do miss someone who could tell me more about my mums younger years, I was 20 when she died and sadly thought I had all the time in the world to ask

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Original poster
Alicewond · 17/05/2019 04:08

@Mothership4two I spoke to her husband, my uncle about a year ago on Facebook messenger. I said I’d love to speak to her again, he suggested I text her to break the ice also.

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Someoneonlyyouknow · 17/05/2019 04:13

It is so sad for you and it sounds as if she is holding on to her grief. This would disappoint your mum dreadfully. Not having a relationship with one side of your family is very painful for you and your aunt is missing out on the joy she could experience, sharing memories of your mum with you. I don't know how you can make her move on, I pity her because she doesn't have you in her life. Perhaps writing to her would work, it might make you feel better to tell her how you feel?

Original poster
Alicewond · 17/05/2019 04:25

@Someoneonlyyouknow we were all so close, I stayed at her house so many times. And we had so many family parties which were amazing. But I sound too much like my mum, and my sis looks too much like her, and lives in our family home which she refuses to visit. My older brother is somehow immune and she visits him all the time and he encourages us to stay in contact, he doesn’t believe that we haven’t tried, but that’s due to how genuinely nice he is. I would love to talk to her as an adult and find out more about my mum, but guess it’s not to be. My mum always told us she’d be there for us, but we didn’t suffer, my dads family were amazing and I’ve bonds to them I never saw coming :)

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SMaCM · 17/05/2019 04:46

Write her a letter to say when she's ready you would love to talk to her about your mum and their childhood.

Original poster
Alicewond · 17/05/2019 04:55

@SMaCM maybe I should do this, but since she was the adult when my mum died, and has turned away all contact ever since would you? I do miss her but I don’t think I can forgive those years I reached out to receive nothing back. She sends me a Christmas and birthday card, for the last decade that’s been our only contact

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SinkGirl · 17/05/2019 05:12

Of course YANBU. I lost my mum four years ago this month and I still miss her so much. Aside from my two siblings, I only have one surviving relative (well, there may also be some on my dads side but I’ve had no contact with him or his family for nearly 25 years) which is my mum’s brother. They had a falling out before she became unwell. When she was diagnosed with cancer I informed him and tried to get him to see her - he had no interest. Didn’t come to the funeral (or his mum’s funeral) and I’ve heard nothing from him since.

In your situation, I would contact her. Yes, she’s been in the wrong absolutely, and you have every right to be upset and angry, but clearly you would love to rebuild your relationship. It sounds like your mum’s death has hit her very hard and she hasn’t coped well with it at all. I suspect she massively regrets the way she has treated you or your sister and maybe she doesn’t know how to tackle it. Someone has to make the first move and maybe she doesn’t feel she can. Maybe she’s scared that you’ll be too angry with her. If you can be the grown up here and offer her an olive branch then maybe things can get better.

Obviously it’s entirely up to you - you don’t ever need to see or speak to her again. But as we both know, life is sadly very short and unpredictable so if you want to rebuild the relationship I would write her a (non-critical) letter about how much you would love to see her again when she’s ready and how much you’ve missed her, and that you love her. The ball is then in her court - she knows how you feel and you can move forward knowing that you tried, whatever the outcome.

Lots of hugs to you and Flowers

SinkGirl · 17/05/2019 05:13

Just spotted that she sends you cards still - that may be her weak attempt to reach out to you. Grief makes people do strange and terrible things and maybe she just doesn’t know how to move forward. I’m not excusing her behaviour at all, but it can help to understand why people act a certain way

Original poster
Alicewond · 17/05/2019 05:16

@SinkGirl thank you, I will think on what you’ve said. How are you coping? I do have my dads family who have been massively supportive. How are you managing alone?

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junebirthdaygirl · 17/05/2019 05:27

She is being a total drama queen and its absolutely ridiculous her carrying on like this. To be honest l would leave her. She has let your dm down by not keeping the contact up and, in my opinion , will not add much to your life being so self centred. I may sound harsh but, seriously, carrying on like this, putting her own needs so much ahead of yours makes her a person l wouldn't bother with. She has actually rejected you and that's disgraceful. Your dm would be shocked.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 17/05/2019 05:32

YANBU to miss your Mum and to feel really hurt and confused about your aunt pulling away from you when you've always been close.

Grief does strange things to people, it's all consuming and can be hurtful too.

I lost my Mum nearly 2 years ago and my family fell apart. I realised she was the pin that held us all together and we don't have that anymore. It doesn't stop it stinging like hell.

Original poster
Alicewond · 17/05/2019 05:37

@InTheHeatofLisbon @junebirthdaygirl thank you both, I have nieces now and can’t imagine anything which would make me turn away from them, especially if they called me x

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InTheHeatofLisbon · 17/05/2019 05:42

Alicewond I can't imagine turning away from nieces and nephews either. I still make the effort with my Mum's brother, because I know she'd have wanted me to, but it's hard sometimes because the only thing that bonds us is also the source of our greatest pain.

I'm sorry about your Mum and I'm sorry that your aunt has hurt you so much.

Original poster
Alicewond · 17/05/2019 05:53

@InTheHeatofLisbon in a weird way it’s ok as it’s brought me closer to me dads family, one aunt in particular who recognised what was happening and stepped in. I’m lucky, I’ve never been alone. But I do miss that promised link to my mums family, I do know I sound and talk to much like her, I can’t change that. I know her sister must feel that as they were so close and spoke almost daily. I know I need to move on, I would just love some old family stories

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Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2019 06:03

I’m really sorry you’re so sad. I do understand how you’re feeling. The same thing happened when my father died with his brother. We saw him and my little cousin all the time. Then after my dad died he never visited the house again. I was too young to drive so couldn’t even go and visit.

My cousin doesn’t remember. We used to be incredibly close. 😢 Now we never see each other and that hurts most of all. So much was lost because of the selfishness of an adult. He didn’t think about me one jot. I had zero support - I mean no one apart from the hugs of a couple of teachers at school. My friends deserted me because the didn’t know how to handle it I imagine.

Personally I would just live your life. Sending her a letter won’t do anything. She’s made her choice. I used to visit my uncle sometimes when I grew up. He was really pleased to see me. My aunt didn’t mind seeing me too I think. Beyond that they didn’t consider my needs at all. He’s been dead a fair few years now. Perhaps you could do the same.

saraclara · 17/05/2019 06:08

Can't you go to see her with your brother?

Silene · 17/05/2019 06:13

This happened to me, and affected me badly. I found it incredibly distressing, as it was so hard to lose our mother so young. Try to keep up some contact, for your Mum’s sake, even if you have no response. You will feel better for trying, and you will have no regrets. Hugs.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 17/05/2019 06:15

I know what you mean Alice I miss being able to ask my Mum about family stuff and my uncle doesn't remember much of it.

I'm glad you had your dad's family and that you're not alone, but it's still ok to miss that bond with your mum's family.

cranstonmanor · 17/05/2019 06:24

When you did speak to her, do you always speak about your mum or did you try to have a relationship with her? I only read that you want her to tell about your mum. If the contact you want is not about her but about your mum that might be too hurtful as well.