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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Best Friend TTC

13 replies

thatblue · 16/05/2019 19:46

This is a very sensitive topic, so if it's on the wrong board, just let me know. I also just really quickly want to say that I love my best friend, and that this isn't at all rude/malicious/me trying to be a CF - but let me know if it is!

My best friend has just told me she is TTC again. She has 2DC - one of each, and wants a third, which is something I've known for a long time. She's also had 6 miscarriages. I try to be excited at the idea of my best friend having a new baby, but I almost wish she wouldn't. The idea of her having another miscarriage breaks my heart, and I just don't want her to have to go through that heartbreak again.

Obviously I wouldn't say anything to her, but aibu? I know she desperately wants a third, but every time is just so heartbreaking :(

OP posts:

BambooB · 16/05/2019 20:18

It's not about you. It's about her, and her family.

Original poster

thatblue · 16/05/2019 20:22

Bamboo I know it's not about me, and that's why I'd never say anything to her about it other than letting her know she has my absolute support. I know that I'm lucky that I never had any issues at all ttc, it's just that when she's trying again, her whole life revolves around babies, even before she's pregnant. Buying outfits, always texting me pictures of how cute the nursery would be. It's just heartbreaking to see someone you're so close to so upset.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 16/05/2019 20:25

Does part of you feel that you’ll need to support her again if she should sadly miscarry? Because otherwise I don’t understand what you’re saying. Obviously we don’t like to see our friends going through awful times but this isn’t your pain if it were to happen again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2019 20:31

They’re her losses, I’m sure she’s well aware of how hard it will be if she has to go through it again. It’s obviously painful to see people we love going through heartache but it’s not for you to judge her ttc again, at all.

Original poster

thatblue · 16/05/2019 20:31

NoSauce I've been best friends with her for our whole lives. It sounds so dramatic, I know, but when she's upset it genuinely upsets me so much. And I do end up being the one supporting her, which I try to do, but it can be so exhausting (which makes me sound so horrible to say).

OP posts:

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 16/05/2019 20:34

You say her whole life revolves around babies when she's ttc - sorry OP almost sounds like that's the issue to you? That you don't want to hear about it all the time??

you said you've never had a problem getting/staying pregnant so you can't possible imagine what it's like for her so I wouldn't worry about what she can handle - believe me when you've had multiple miscarriages it makes you a lot stronger than what people imagine themselves to be in the same situation. She texts you outfits and nursery photos because she has hope and I would 1000% support her in her optimism

NoSauce · 16/05/2019 20:37

Realistically there isn’t anything you can do here. Hopefully all will be well for her but if it’s not all you can do is support her. Maybe take a bit of a step back if you don’t feel you can do that? Has she had any investigations into why she’s had so many miscarriages?

Original poster

thatblue · 16/05/2019 20:39

itwasalovelydream That's definitely not how I wanted to come across, or how I feel! I support her every step of the way, and even send her cute things back that I see. I just think it's seeing her so happy, and then seeing her so upset that gets to me. I get that I seem way too involved in it, but it really is that we're just so close (go on most/every holiday together, lived together for nearly ten years)

OP posts:

Original poster

thatblue · 16/05/2019 20:43

NoSauce I give her all my support all the way through and afterwards. She mentioned once that she was thinking about adopting, but I do understand that it's not the same for some people. I don't know if she has had any investigations, but if she's trying again it doesn't seem like it could've been anything definite.

OP posts:

Sweetpea55 · 16/05/2019 20:44

I think you must really care about your friend and dont want her to go through another miscarriage. Seeing her so heartbroken must make you feel really upset.
She's lucky to have a friend like you but at the end of the day it's her call. Be there for her if it all doesn't go well.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 16/05/2019 20:55

I get what you mean OP.
Unfortunately your friend is susceptible to miscarriages. And the odds are that she is going to suffer one when TTC. Nobody wants their friends to suffer or go through something like that.
You can see it coming and you can't do anything about it.
That is sad.

KellyW88 · 16/05/2019 22:52

I understand your concerns for your friend OP - it’s lovely you’re so caring towards her.

Trust me when I say that any worry you have considered, your friend has too. After multiple losses I doubt she’d throw herself into TTC again without serious consideration that she may have a repeat of her tragedies.

The best thing you can do (and I’m sure you know this) is to be there and support her as best you can. I wish your friend luck

Snowfalling · 16/05/2019 23:05

You sound exhausted op. I know everyone is saying be there for her, support her etc. But I would say the opposite. Hold back a bit of supourt, you can't keep supporting others at your own expense. Try to detach a little and look after yourself. You sound like an amazing friend, however you need to put yourself first sometimes.

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